In Memory of Kay

Two Worlds Merging


“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o’er-wrought heart and bids it break.” — William Shakespeare

 

 

–I live in two worlds.

 

The world before Kay’s murder….

 

And the world after Kay’s murder.

 

Truth be told, I’m finding it quite difficult to merge the two,

 

glue them together into something  new & satisfying.

 

I can not.

 

Where is the harmony? 

 

Where is the symmetry?

 

How can one survive stuck between Life & Death?

 

One cannot have both.

 

One  ought to seize one or the other.

 

Let go of one or the other.

 

But…

 

My sister is  Dead.  Dead.  Dead.

 

So…

 

How do  I  Live.  Live.  Live.

 

Ahhhh,  that’s the fucking  rub.

 

In one world, I write about pretty pink cupcakes, chicken cordon bleu  & chocolate chip cookies.

 

In the other world,  sometimes I can’t  make it out to bed in the morning.

 

   Did you know?

 

   Did I tell you?

 

I do not understand why the universe split in half?

 

Why the  monster separated us with three bullets…

 

…leaving me behind to pick up the shattered glass?

 

I still smell your perfume.

 

I still have your journals sitting at my bedside.

 

We talked about growing old together.

 

    Remember?

 

… how we laughed about wearing  hot pink lipstick over our thin lips like old women do.

 

How we’d dress in tiger pants & high heels shoes.

 

How we’d adopt every stray cat in the neighborhood

 

   &  become eccentric Cat Ladies.

 

I remember everything.

 

I remember nothing.

 

The world is sweet.

 

The world is bitter.

 

Dark.

 

Light.

 

I’ll never release you, my dear.

 

Never.

My sister was murdered by Mike Peterson 415 days ago.  We will never be the same….The universe will never be the same. 

Read More About Kay Here:   In Memory of Kay 

 ~~~For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

click here NOW : http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/

Click Here to Donate to ( DAIP) Domestic Abuse Intervention Prevention in Duluth: Click here to donate.


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50 Comments

  • Reply
    Karen Mobley
    July 12, 2011 at 7:43 am

    I’ve seen many before you stand tall and do it with unimaginable class. They live love and laugh as though it never happened. I don’t know how they do it but they give me faith that I can too…. but I am like you…I think about Kay with a heavy heart but it is for your heavy heart Kim. nothing I can say that you haven’t already heard…except my love grows for you a wish for that heavy heart to lighten up so you can lift up and see through the light and sweep away the burden that has come on to you.

    …lovelovelove from a sister in your own home town. A sister that did not reach out to Kay and take her up on her invites to go walking on the trail, or a (light) night out on the town, perhaps spending a day in her garden sipping that red wine….and maybe changing something..anything….

    I wish you well sweet sister ~ I wish you well.
    Karen Mobley
    Duluth, MN

  • Reply
    Kim Sisto-Robinson
    July 12, 2011 at 7:56 am

    Dear, Karen,

    —–“I’ve seen many before you stand tall and do it with unimaginable class.They live love and laugh as though it never happened.”

    Never Happened?

    Unimaginable Class?

    I am not sure what that means….but after Kay was murdered, I’m blessed to be standing up, writing, going to work, cooking dinner, sipping wine with hubby, praying to my God, AND going forward without my dear soul mate.

    I am living. I am loving. I am loving.

    Perhaps not like the others who stand tall with unimaginable class…..But I am Standing. I am mourning.

    I will be mourning forever. Always. Until Kay and I meet again.

    thank you for your comment and reading. I hope to see you in town sometime. Will you introduce yourself to me?

    Love love love.

    xxx Kim

  • Reply
    Alison@Mama Wants This
    July 12, 2011 at 8:34 am

    KIm, you’re living in the world that Kay would want you to be in. Reconciling your loss and grief with life must be terribly difficult, I cannot even begin to imagine how it must be like. But you must carry on, march on and gather the love and support you have to close the gap between the two universes.

    You can always have pink cupcake in bed, that is perfectly okay 🙂

    xoxo

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 12, 2011 at 10:08 am

      ~Dear Mama,
      I am marching forward.
      –what else does one do?
      I am mourning.
      —How can I not?
      I am loving… this is what is left. xxxxxx

  • Reply
    Kelly
    July 12, 2011 at 9:07 am

    I feel this UNBELIEABLE need to protect you!!! From what??? Who the hell knows!! From who???? EVERYBODY!!! Why??? I don’t KNOW!!!!

    I just want to be like a Momma kangaroo that opens her pouch and says, “Hurry jump in everything will be okay”! And when the pouch closes life is just like you imagined no hurt, no pain, and no murders!!!! Just you and your Soul Mate, laughing… uncontrollable laughing, wearing purple hats with red shoes and green dresses with glitter. AND don’t forget the HOT PINK lipstick!!!

    I struggle in two worlds every day, the real world and the world everybody else wants me to live in so THEY feel comfortable. If it were only that easy….

    I can’t tell you enough how much your words help me EVERYDAY!!! Your pain is my pain; your happiness is my HEAVEN!!! I know every day is different, but unfortunately sometimes everyday is the same… I will FOREVER look up to you, the person who has allowed me to be me!! No judgment!!! Just KrAZy Me!!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU!!!!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 12, 2011 at 10:11 am

      “““Uncontrollable laughing.
      This is what we were doing when we spoke about living together with our
      hot pink lipstick stuck to our teeth & our many tabby cats! Yes, We were Laughing!
      –I carry you in my heart, Kelly.

      Love Love Love.

  • Reply
    Charlene
    July 12, 2011 at 9:12 am

    Oh Kim… how I picture you and Kay collecting those cats in your leopard pants and hot pink lipstick. It makes me smile. Even if… you have to wait a little longer than you wanted to do it with her. But you will my friend. You will. Until then, keep writing and living in this world. We are the ones that need you.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 12, 2011 at 10:13 am

      Dear, Charlene,
      One must live in the world…
      what else can they do? What else?
      —you understand…because you know grief…don’t you?
      One must live, love, and move forward.
      I am just finding that difficult at the moment.
      Some days are better….others are not.
      Luv Uuuu.

  • Reply
    Totsymae
    July 12, 2011 at 9:14 am

    You know, Kim, I can feel those two worlds in your postings. Sometimes I’ll wander over here to read about Kay and look at all the beautiful pictures you’ve displayed here of her. And I feel your pain and know how difficult this must be. Having the blog has helped you in some ways, I hope but I know some days or moments may be more difficult than others.

    I love your writing of her. It’s lyrical and loving, filled with adoration and longing. Have you ever considered writing her story? Or something of your relationship with hers?

    I love “how we laughed about wearing hot pink lipstick over our thin lips like old women do.
    How we’d dress in tiger pants & high heels shoes.”

    That’s so visual and comical, showing the relationship you had. Makes me smile.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 12, 2011 at 10:16 am

      “““Totsymae,

      My first book with be about Kay, Domestic Abuse, Mourning, SIsters, Love.

      I’ve never mourned before…so this is all new. & it Sucks!

      I hate it. I hate it.

      But words and poetry have saved me for many years….including now.

      Love your blog! xxxxx So glad I found you.

      • Reply
        Totsymae
        July 12, 2011 at 1:20 pm

        Glad we’ve met too. Be encouraged.

  • Reply
    mercy
    July 12, 2011 at 9:15 am

    I think of you. Your painful words just get me. I am in awe at how you manage to live!

    Thanks for the peanut chocolate and the one that has sea salt 🙂 Yummy!

    I feel your love sweet heart.

    Mercy

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 12, 2011 at 10:19 am

      Dear, African Queen,

      you have told me several times….

      MAN MUST LIVE.

      Yes.

      So what do we do now.

      I luv you. More than chocolate peanuts. xxx

  • Reply
    Lady Fi
    July 12, 2011 at 9:46 am

    I feel your pain. I wish I could help, but I can’t. Just to say.. I’m sending you so many healing vibes.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 12, 2011 at 10:22 am

      One needs to Mourn alone…

      No Words, Lady Fi.

      Just Love. xxx

  • Reply
    Tia
    July 12, 2011 at 10:17 am

    Love you!!!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 12, 2011 at 10:22 am

      ~~~Love you, 2 xx

  • Reply
    Adriana Iris
    July 12, 2011 at 10:43 am

    My lovely friend Kim… this is the way we heal… we write… we purge…we remember… we love… a blog is a cathartic process…all my love.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 12, 2011 at 10:53 am

      Words. Words. Poetry. Books.
      They are my prayer. They are my sanity.
      I thank my God for them.
      Love Love Love.
      What else is there? What else besides Love?
      xxx Kiss for you Adriana.

  • Reply
    lafemmeroar
    July 12, 2011 at 11:30 am

    You celebrate her life and memory through your writing. I wish I could tell you how to merge your two worlds as I feel your pain and love for your sister in your writing. I believe that when a loved one dies a light within us dies as well, which is why the other “lights” within us need to burn brighter.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 12, 2011 at 12:02 pm

      ~~~Dear, Lafemmeroar,
      Yes, my light needs to shine for both of us now.
      Easier said than done (as they say)….
      but after something as horrific as this, one can Never remain the same…
      Never. Everything changes. Perspective changes…
      So the light must be…has to be…. brighter than before.
      xxx Kiss.

  • Reply
    Alex
    July 12, 2011 at 11:56 am

    I feel with you, Kim, even if your pain is unimaginable to me. I understand you even if it is tough for me to comprehend. What should I say? Your life goes on even if feels cruel to live when Kay is not there.
    In human body, when one part is suddenly cut off, the other parts are searching for the new balance, even if the body will never be in the same state as before. Cementary and cupcakes. Black and white. Mourning and joy. Your new harmony and symmetry – your new reality. It is all inevitable in your life now. OWN it all. Love Love Love. Live Live Live. Remember Remember Remember.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 12, 2011 at 12:05 pm

      So beautiful, Alex.

      Love love love.
      …this is what is left.

      Remember. ALways. Forever. Never Released. xxx

  • Reply
    Dad
    July 12, 2011 at 3:34 pm

    Kim, It was fun having coffee with you at Beaners today & talking about bad times, but also all the
    good times you & Kay had together, walking, talking, & also praying. You bet you are going to
    miss those times. I know I do. It’s not always easy to stand tall with unimaginable class, but I guess
    some people can.
    Love You So Much
    Dad

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 12, 2011 at 3:46 pm

      ——Abundant good times, daddy.
      It is sooooooooooo difficult that our family is now w/out Kay.
      It is not complete, is it? It is not full, is it? It is less.
      that’s all there is to it.
      But our family is beautiful. Still.
      Still. So much love is left.
      I love you more than dark roasted coffee with bananas! xxxxxxxxxx

  • Reply
    Karen Mobley
    July 12, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    Hello again Kim

    Kim forgive me I am God Less

    I haven’t had more than a handful of deaths in my family over the 50 years. I steer clear of funerals. I can’t deal with death at all, I just crumble…. I have a friends whom lost their most dearest closest family members…some weep silently….some have strict ‘rules’ for their own morning for their loved ones. I don’t understand it either…they don’t crumble even for their own children….to stand at the funerals and meet everyone with dry eyes….something I certainly do not possess….the unimaginable class…that’s what it means to me…
    are they perfect human beings? They must be. Maybe it really is their faith in God.

    your life has spared Kay from the very same heartache….live and live happy, for your own sake…
    I was just so compelled to reach out…..
    Yes I sure will introduce myself to you!! I haven’t seen you around like I did in the past! I’m just Karen, who stayed in Duluth and had 4 kids and make Duluth MN my hometown. and I love it here and would never leave…yes, I was probably that woman on food stamps..but I left my husband 20 years before Kay did. I have been happily married for 11 years now with a whole bunch of family that I just adore!! I’m not a career woman, but things are working out! I love life and live it fully everyday. you have all that too~you tell us so! I enjoy reading your blogs..I just wish you weren’t hurting so bad.
    Karen Mobley
    I’m always around west Duluth! Always! I promise!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 12, 2011 at 10:25 pm

      ~~~Karen,
      WIthout God,
      I could not go forward. I would have perished a year ago.
      I’ve never lost my faith
      Never.
      ….but that does not mean
      that one does not Yell & Scream & Mourn like Hell.
      xx x

  • Reply
    Irene
    July 12, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    There are no answers. You can keep asking why, where, how, but there are no answers. And the pain will remain. It will cease alittle over the years, but it will rear it’s ugly head now and then. I have no answers or pain relievers for you my friend. I do have a shoulder and if I was closer I’d let you cry on it for as long as you needed to.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 12, 2011 at 10:21 pm

      ~~Irene,
      I know there are no answers
      but I shall always ask why.
      I shall always mourn.
      thanks for reading, my friend. xx

  • Reply
    MommaKiss
    July 12, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    Whoa. This is my first visit, and I’m so sorry for your loss. 1 day ago or 400 days ago, it’s not easy. I lost my little brother much too soon – a car accident of another’s fault. Not murder, but unexpected nonetheless.
    Thank you for coming by today, your comments about my kiddos? The Big Kiss is named for my brother, he who died too soon.
    I know some of what you are feeling. Just some. And thank you for sharing your sister’s story.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 12, 2011 at 10:26 pm

      Momma Kiss,
      Thanks for popping in…
      Mourning never ends…one only learns
      how to live with it.
      So sorry about the loss of your brother.
      xxx Kiss

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    July 13, 2011 at 2:20 am

    You are eloquent even within your pain Kim. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with such candour 🙂 xxx

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 13, 2011 at 7:23 am

      “Dear, L.
      thanks for stopping by to read
      my pain.
      Writing is so much better than Screaming!
      xxx

  • Reply
    Blond Duck
    July 13, 2011 at 4:45 am

    That’s so sad.

  • Reply
    Karen Sosnoski
    July 13, 2011 at 6:27 am

    Kim, just to second and third what you and another reader were talking about above, I hope you *will* write a book about your sister’s story as it intersects with yours. And I imagine the “double life” theme would play prominently. Sending love and strength your way…Karen

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 13, 2011 at 7:26 am

      ““Karen,
      I am hoping you are well.
      So sorry I’ve not read the chapters of
      your book yet.
      I’ve only read 2 books this year!
      Can you send me the first chapter…
      I shall read it. Honest.
      I love your writing so much. xx

  • Reply
    Joan
    July 13, 2011 at 10:00 am

    Kim,

    You were thrust into a world you did not ask for. You now belong to a club with a huge membership fee- your loved one was murdered. I belong to that club, too. It is not a fun club.I didn’t want to belong to this club. But you are doing such wonderful writing that is cathartic and helps other members of the club. Your grief will never go away. Your pain will become less. Your memories will be strong but will become more distant. That part is inevitable. That doesn’t make it better. I am so sad that my sister couldn’t be at the weddings of my kids and will never know her own grandchildren and now not mine. I can’t grow old with her. She would have been older than me so I would have watched her get there before me. But her life was vibrant and she left us with a lot to remember. Her birthday would have been on July 9th. Mine is July 18th. We shared a birthday month. There is no way for the 2 worlds to be separated. Kay wants you to live and love and laugh again. She would be proud of the work you are doing. I know my sister, as feisty as she was, would have loved my fight with the gun guys on my blog. She was a fighter, as was Kay. But they couldn’t win the fight for their lives against angry, vindicative, sick men with guns who couldn’t stand losing their power and control to women who were stronger than they themselves. You are continuing her fight. You are making sure that no one forgets Kay. You go girl!!!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 13, 2011 at 10:09 am

      Dear, Sweet Joan,
      I hate this club that we are both in.
      I despise it.
      It hurts so damn much.
      …but the question is: What does one do now?
      What is the purpose of this pain?
      You are doing it with your pro-active site!
      You inspire me.
      You lead the way for me and others.
      Since we are in the same club…we must meet for coffee soon.
      We can laugh & cry together.
      Love Love love.
      How about I buy you lunch at Beaners next week for your birthday? xxxx

  • Reply
    Brenda
    July 13, 2011 at 11:22 am

    Kim

    A few years back I woke one morning to my own perfect storm, Dad was diagnosed with a rare and malignant brain tumor, a week later my husband came down with a virus that turned into a debilitating illness (he is in remission now and lives on a healthy cocktail of experimental drugs), and to add insult to injury …deep breath, the very same week my gyno told me I was hideously overweight (and I was). It seemed silly that my weight was on the same playing field as cancer but it was. I am not telling you all this to diminish your hurt because nothing can or will, only forgiveness and love, and you have faith which eases the burden. I am only sharing because I wanted you to know that I did find higher ground. It wasn’t over night and it was an arduous journey back from my grief, but I did make it. It took me a long while to settle back into my own skin, to forgive, and even though it took me a long while, I did heal. I have my battle scars and I still question life, and probably always will, but in time you will reach higher ground, but a part of you will always ache.

    Love, Brenda

  • Reply
    Kim Sisto-Robinson
    July 13, 2011 at 11:57 am

    ~~Dear, Brenda,
    Each day is new & uncertain.
    I’m not sure if i’ll be laughing or crying…Living or Dying…loving or despising.
    What I know for certain…is the days go forward….I love God…I love my family.
    But I am without my soulmate.
    It hurts. It hurts more than anything I’ve ever experienced…..When Kay
    was murdered…part of me died, as well. That’s all there is to it. That’s my new reality.
    I thank you for your encouragement, love, words & poetry.
    I thank you for telling me your story. xxxx

  • Reply
    Brenda
    July 13, 2011 at 2:23 pm

    I can’t even imagine your hurt or how your find the strength to go one, but you do. We are wired to fight and keep moving, as you will. Hugs from San Francisco, always.

  • Reply
    Theresa Sonoda
    July 13, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    Big Hugs coming your way, my sweet friend. My heart swells for you. I’m so proud of the person I’m getting to know, the woman who is learning to live on and push through her sadness and carve a life out for herself. You, my friend, are very strong and very brave. What a beautiful woman you are. Keep expressing yourself and your feelings. Your words help you heal……but they also touch your readers in a unique and moving way.
    Love ya sweets!
    Terri

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 13, 2011 at 11:05 pm

      ““Dear, Terri,
      I do not feel brave or strong…
      I feel utterly weak & oh-so-unbelievably, horribly human.
      —but i guess getting out of bed in the morning is a
      start….& writing is such great medicine.
      Love Ya Back, Sweet girl. xxx

  • Reply
    she writes
    July 13, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    I am so sorry. There are too many lines here that ring true in the piercing loss that grief violently demands we travel. My heart goes out to you and your family.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 13, 2011 at 11:08 pm

      Dear, She Writes,
      The journey of grief SUCKS. It hurts. & I despise it.
      ….but one must walk thru the valley.
      And one day … perhaps I’ll get to the other side.
      Thanks for stopping by. xx

  • Reply
    mom2kiddos
    July 14, 2011 at 10:58 pm

    Hey, Kim. I’m sorry to read about your sister here. I cannot begin to understand what it’s like to have someone so close to you murdered. Although I can understand what it’s like to lose a sibling – I lost my brother to cancer 4 years ago. It was a really tough time for the family; especially my mother. I know from this experience that time will heal and that everyone who’s lost someone close to them will need time to grieve over it. In your case, you are probably having to deal with resentment/hate as well and I can only hope that you will find peace with that some day.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 15, 2011 at 7:40 am

      Dear Mom2kiddos,
      No hate. I dont’ believe in hating.
      My peace will be when I meet Kay again….that
      will be true peace.
      So sorry about your brother.
      Life is never the same after you lose part
      of your self.
      xxx Kiss from Mn.

  • Reply
    Latoya
    July 15, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    I am truly sorry for your loss. Reading this bought a tear to my eye because no matter how hard I wish to relate to losing someone so close to me, a sister, I cannot. I cannot grieve the way you have grieved… but I can say that these words are very inspirational. They touch the hearts of many even when it was not necessarily your intent to do so. Kay is definitely in my heart and I am proud that I had to chance to stop by once again and read this entry!

    xx
    Toya

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 15, 2011 at 1:24 pm

      ~~~Dear, Toya,
      Kay will live forever in all of our hearts.
      My peace will come when we meet again in paradise…
      thank you so much for reading her story here.
      xxx

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