In Memory of Kay

What is Left.


      

~~~It’s been  an eternity 406   408  Days since Kay’s murder.

 

And I still wake up  saying  moaning, “My sister.  My sister  Oooh, my dear dear sister.”

 

Grief endures—grows—cultivates.

 

Have I told you that mornings are the absolute worst? 

 

When one awakens to a dull sun, a chilly breeze., a cold truth.

 

I lay in bed and think:   “What will I do?  How will I survive another day?  Who can I call?  Why is my heart still pounding?” 

 

Sometimes the hours drag on as if I’m walking thru deep sand–never reaching my destination.

 

…like one of those bizarre dreams where one is running but the legs are standing still.

 

Sometimes I can block out my new reality by having a glass of wine or two, a martini or two.

 

I pretend I’m the old Kim, the fun Kim, the carefree Kim.

The Kim that that once praised God for all her sweet, astonishing abundance.

 

My family likes that.

 

Likes when I’m happy.

 

But it doesn’t last.

 

Nothing lasts. 

 

Nothing.

 

Nothing  damn well  fucking lasts.

 

How can it?    How can it….without Kay?

 

We all go Minneapolis for the 4th of July.

 

We grill, laze on the deck, laugh at family stories, & sip cold drinks.

 

I look at mom and say, “it’s not the same, is it?”

 

She smiles a half smile

 

That’s all.

 

We know.  We know.

 

A few of us go shopping in Albertville.

 

Some still waters appear  as we stroll around Gap, Adidas, Guess, Wilsons, Banana Republic, Coach,  & Ralph Loren.

 

I turn to Kay’s son Jordan, and say  “Ooooh, your mom would love this, wouldn’t she?   Walking around with her Starbucks buying Everything in sight!”

 

We walk together without words.

 

…clicking cement—bumping into one another’s shoulders—swinging our Gap bags.

 

We walk together ….

 

trying to love what is left.

My sister was murdered by Mike Peterson 408 days ago.  The sun dulled.  The clocks stopped.  The world weighs so much less.

—Read More About Kay Here:   In Memory of Kay 

 ~~~For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

click here NOW : http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/

Click Here to Donate to ( DAIP) Domestic Abuse Intervention Prevention in Duluth: Click here to donate.

 Large Pink Glitter Lips - Glitter Lipsxxxx


Subscribe To My Inner Chick

Never miss an update!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

You Might Also Like

36 Comments

  • Reply
    Alison@Mama Wants This
    July 5, 2011 at 8:40 am

    My heart is heavy for you Kim. Mornings should be joyous with new beginnings for a new day, I’m so sorry they are so hard for you. When the sun shines, look up, feel the warmth and imagine that it’s Kay, with you. Perhaps then, mornings will feel different. I hope in my heart of hearts, that it does.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 5, 2011 at 10:22 am

      “`Alison,
      Perhaps some day …
      Thanks for your beautiful words. xx

  • Reply
    mercy
    July 5, 2011 at 9:14 am

    I can feel your pain all the way. I know God can feel it too.
    He feels us when we cry, and when our hearts are breaking, He feels the pain…

    Love you.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 5, 2011 at 10:23 am

      Mercy,
      I know He does.
      …Yesterday was a bad day. Very lonesome for my best friend.
      maybe today I will have some Still Waters.
      Luv U.

  • Reply
    Totsymae
    July 5, 2011 at 9:59 am

    Like Allison stated, my heart is heavy for you. I know it’s an ache that has to be oh, so difficult.

    I know you’ve probably heard it all before but I want to encourage you. You’re sister was taken away with no just cause and you cannot, better not let that man who took her steal you away from the people that love you so much. Please don’t do that.

    I’m sending out a big virtual hug to you right now and blessings to comfort you.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 5, 2011 at 10:25 am

      Yes. Yes.
      I’ve heard that.
      It is so easy to say…but he has taken so much….So much.
      Each day is New.
      Each day is different.
      As my African Pal says: “Man Must Live.”
      xxx Kisses for you.

  • Reply
    Theresa Sonoda
    July 5, 2011 at 10:40 am

    You have a friend right here. I don’t know what makes me and and you click, but we do, and I’m here if you ever want or need to talk. I know your family is a huge help to you, as well as your friends. Just letting you know you have one more right here.
    HUGZ,
    T

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 5, 2011 at 11:01 am

      Hugzzzz back, Sweeeeet, Big Hearted Terri.
      xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx And lots of kisses.

  • Reply
    Cheryl`Lewis
    July 5, 2011 at 10:58 am

    You understand, as few can. Grief… is a lonely, soulless partner. Only joy, which is so elusive (but exactly what He promises!), can defeat it. In time, my beloved friend… sweet, hateful, eventual, precious time…

    Love you big.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 5, 2011 at 11:02 am

      Cheryl.
      I thank God for your words…always sweet & true.
      xxx Luv U.

  • Reply
    Annie
    July 5, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    This is my first opportunity to visit your blog and I was so sad to read of your loss. I cannot comprehend your level of pain right now so I will not try to put it into words, but I will just say that I am so very sorry and hope that you find peace in the days ahead.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 5, 2011 at 5:16 pm

      ~~Thank you, Annie,
      The loss is great…abundant.
      I will find peace when I meet Kay once again…
      xxx

  • Reply
    Bella
    July 5, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    Kim, in spite of your pain, it’s good that you still have these beautiful memories, these beautiful times you once shared with your sister. They give you strength;hope that you’ll see her again. They sustain you and keep her memory alive. May the sun light your way and warm you when it becomes cold, dark and unbearable. You’re in my prayers.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 5, 2011 at 5:11 pm

      —Dear, Sweet Bella,

      I am waiting for the Sun / Son.

      It is so hard to feel it without my soulmate beside me.

      Thank you for your Prayers. I need them badly.

      Yes, we shall meet again. I know this to be true.

      xxxxx

  • Reply
    Charlene
    July 5, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    We walk together ….

    trying to love what is left.

    Oh Kim… I just love your beautiful words… and you….

    My heart is pouring with love for you sweet Kim.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 5, 2011 at 5:40 pm

      Sweet, Charlene,
      I feel your love in Minnesota 🙂 xxx
      & I send it back to California.

  • Reply
    Tia
    July 5, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    I Love You My Dear Friend!!!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 5, 2011 at 6:14 pm

      ~~I hope so…. cuz i need lots & lots of Looooooooooove. xxxx
      luv U 2.

  • Reply
    Christina
    July 5, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    I can relate in a way. I lost my godfather and since he died it’s like nothing is the same. It’s hard to go on when we lose someone so close to us.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 5, 2011 at 7:00 pm

      –Nothing will ever be the same without my sister. Nothing.
      Everything has changed.
      My universe has been turned upside down….
      I am sorry for your loss, ttoo, Christina. xxx

  • Reply
    Brenda
    July 5, 2011 at 8:45 pm

    No nothing will be the same, never and yes things have changed on the outside, but the love you have for Kay only grows and grows. Hugs to you my sweet, Kim.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 5, 2011 at 10:54 pm

      Love lasts forever. always. for all eternity.
      —thanks for your lovely words, Brenda.
      Hugs back to you…. xxoo

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    July 6, 2011 at 12:50 am

    I know it feels like it will never get better but I really hope that the pain lessens over time for you dear Kim! xxx

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 6, 2011 at 7:29 am

      Dear, L.
      I believe that one just learns to live with the pain…
      and adjusts her life around that pain & void.
      Love love love.
      K.

  • Reply
    Amanda
    July 6, 2011 at 1:26 am

    Big hugs to you and your mom. I wish God, someone, anyone could give us a satisfactory explanation on why these things have to happen. 🙁

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 6, 2011 at 7:43 am

      —–Dear, Amanda,
      Believe me,
      When I see God, I have MANY questions for Him! Many of the questions will begin with WHY? WHY? WHY?
      Hugz back to you. xxxooo

  • Reply
    Blond Duck
    July 6, 2011 at 4:40 am

    I’m so sorry. 🙁 I wish it would get easier for you.

  • Reply
    Tara
    July 6, 2011 at 6:22 am

    Hey Kim,

    Sorry I’m just now reading this. Fourth of July is crazy busy in the food service industry. 

    It sounds like you are most definitely “in the dessert,” as any theologian would say. It feels like an endless, hot journey to only God knows where. Maybe it would help to imagine yourself on a boat, rather than in the dessert. The image of open sea trumps open dessert for me every time.

    Either way, you want an end to your pain – the sight of open land, fresh water, and rest. Honey, I wish I could tell you when it will come, but I can’t. All I can do is assure you it will.

    In the meanwhile, you and your family continue to lean on each other. God gave you all the support and love you could ever need, and then some. I don’t know why you all are being made to suffer this; only God does. And it’s okay to be mad at Him; the dynamics of your relationship have definitely changed. Just as long as you continue to trust in His love for you and praise His name, you can be as mad as you want.

    ‘Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ Isaiah 41:10

    Love you,
    Tara

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      July 6, 2011 at 7:38 am

      ~~Tara,
      you words ALWAYS move me, make me cry.
      —-Always.
      I have learned several lessons walking thru the valley…
      1. one must walk thru it.
      2. perhaps God’s desire is not for everyone to be utterly Joyous & Giddy.
      3. one must learn how to live with the pain….adjust her life around that pain.
      4. there is a MUCH higher purpose….
      5. we are only here to serve others.
      6. greiving NEVER ends.
      7. LOVE endures Forever.

      Luv You!! xxxx

  • Reply
    Dad
    July 6, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    Kim, That guy’s name isn’t worth mentioning. I love the scripture that Tara sent to you, Isaiah 41:10.
    It’s worth reading over and over.
    Love You More
    Dad

  • Reply
    Kitchen Belleicious
    July 7, 2011 at 5:16 am

    Kim, my heart is hurting for you and your family. I am so glad you stopped by my blog so I could find yours in memory of your sister. None of us have the answers but the Lord is our only hope for comfort and peace. I pray you find that in Him. I think your sister would have been proud of you. I think this is great what you are doing for her!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 7, 2011 at 7:02 am

      Dear, Belleicious,
      Without God, I may have perished 1 year ago.
      There is no doubt about that.
      …but He must have a plan to put one thru SO MUCH PAIN.
      Loved your blog! xx

  • Reply
    Adriana Iris
    July 7, 2011 at 7:42 am

    i read this yesterday and had to walk away. i am back though. life is unfair so freakin unfair and no one tell us about that part until we later find out by ourselves. in love and light friend i am here.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      July 7, 2011 at 8:41 am

      —Adriana,
      my dear cyber friend.
      i know you understand this pain…this loss…this darkness.
      somehow this helps me to survive a little bit more…
      Nothing remains the same. ahhhh, that ‘s the rub…
      xxx Kiss

    Leave a Reply

    CommentLuv badge