In Memory of Kay

Missing You.


{If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.}  ~Claudia Ghandi

 

It’s been 1 year and 26 days since we last talked.

 

It’s been a treacherous ticking timepiece without end.

 

God, I miss you. 

 

I miss you deeply, completely, entirely.

 

 The pain is unreachable, inexplicable, unimaginable.

 

I fucking fucking fucking fucking miss you, my dear sister.

 

I want to talk to you so badly that my insides bleed-

 

–my organs weep, my lungs sigh, my heart is an angry fist.

 

I have so much to tell you, so much to say.

 

For example, that you are dead & part of me is, too.

 

That he shot you three times in the head like a fucking coward, like a mother fu  devil.

 

That he never had the backbone to exist without you.

 

That he left his kids to pick up the pieces.

 

We never said goodbye.

 

I will never say goodbye.

 

Mourning never ceases….

 

It is only born.

 

   Anyhow…

 

I went for my first doctor’s appt. yesterday since your execution.

 

You’d be proud of me. 

 

There is no more anxiety or fear about what may be discovered or uncovered.

 

None.

 

The closer I get to you,  the lighter I feel.

 

I sat in the waiting room watching the phlebotomist chatting with her patients.

 

She was a bit abrupt, smile-less, snotty.

 

Not like you.

 

Not like you, my pink lipped Angel.

 

Did you know some of  your  patients had to go thru therapy after you were murdered?

 

Did you know I was your patient, as well?

 

Sometimes, even when I’m surrounded by countless people, still, I have nobody to talk with, laugh with, tell my secrets to?

 

It’s as if you were surgically removed from my body-

 

 like a Siamese twin.

 

 like the deepest root of a root.

 

It’s as if we were joined together by one heart, one soul, one blood.

 

So I find myself wondering how I can still be here…

 

Sliced apart…..Split in two….

 

..…my heart beating for both of us.

 

I love you.  I love you.  Forever.  Always.  Until we meet again, my dear.

Read More About Kay Here:   In Memory of Kay 

 ~~~For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

click here NOW : http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/

Click Here to Donate to ( DAIP) Domestic Abuse Intervention Prevention in Duluth: Click here to donate.

 Large Pink Glitter Lips - Glitter LipsXXxx


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36 Comments

  • Reply
    Tia
    June 22, 2011 at 8:33 am

    Very powerful, I miss her so much too. It is still like a nightmare that you never awake from.

    I Love You!

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 22, 2011 at 8:49 am

      Awakening to the reality is the hardest part of my day.
      It’s like “WOW, this really happened?”
      Still hard to believe.
      Thank God we have each other, Tia. Cause you will
      Never give up on me. xxxxxx Luv you.

  • Reply
    Tara
    June 22, 2011 at 8:58 am

    “Mourning never ceases….It is only born.”

    For some reason, that line really struck a chord in me. So true, isn’t it? The day Kay was shot, you received a bundle of mourning and suffering. It probably won’t go away, Kim, but as I always say, one day at a time…

    That’s interesting you don’t fear the doctor anymore. I think that shows another sign of how you’re changing for the better. You have the big picture now, and you know what awaits you. Your sister is and always will be there to listen to and comfort you until, finally, you are reunited.

    Love you,
    Tara

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 22, 2011 at 9:11 am

      Tara,
      your words continually “Lift” me up.
      Especially the “Reunited” Part.
      One. Day. At A. Time.
      this is how I live now.
      Luv you my sweet gem. xx

  • Reply
    Amy
    June 22, 2011 at 9:36 am

    Such an imperfect situation. . .expressed so perfectly. Kim, you never cease to amaze me in your expression of your emotions when writing about your sister. xoxo

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 22, 2011 at 9:40 am

      ~~~Amy,
      have I told you lately…that you amaze me, too?
      luv UUUUUUUUUUUU. xxx
      Ps. thank you for you words…for reading my mourning.

  • Reply
    Theresa Sonoda
    June 22, 2011 at 9:38 am

    So beautiful as is everything you write about her…..tragic, timeless, powerful. Lovely. As you are. Lovely. My lovely friend.
    XOXO’s

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 22, 2011 at 10:18 am

      ~~~Kay was (is) the kindest…
      most gentle person I’ve ever known…
      How can one person miss another person soooo damn. much?
      You are lovely, too, Terri.
      xxx Kisses from Wet Mn.

  • Reply
    mercy
    June 22, 2011 at 11:36 am

    My sweet friend in America,

    You move me anytime that you write about Kay.

    I can only imagine your pain.

    Man must live, how sad.
    Loooove you.

    Mercy

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 22, 2011 at 12:29 pm

      ~~You understand my pain, African Queen.
      you have been there with your friend, you daddy, and so
      many other deaths in your country.
      Love you.
      How does man Live?
      xx

  • Reply
    Alina
    June 22, 2011 at 11:59 am

    Kim, I still read every entry you write. Smile please, because you are making a difference in everyones’ lives by telling Kay’s story.

  • Reply
    Pat
    June 22, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    Wow, Kim, those are powerful words that brought tears to my eyes. I wish I had some words for you that could ease some of your pain, but I have nothing but my prayers.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 22, 2011 at 12:56 pm

      ~~Pat,
      No words to ease the pain.
      The pain is there…it will always be there.
      One needs to live between the pain…
      Ahhh, the distractions of Life!
      The distractions are the “still waters,” the “small prayers.”
      xxx Kiss for you Pat.

  • Reply
    Bella
    June 22, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    Kim, I have a confession to make. Every time I’m about to read one of your posts, I brace myself. I brace myself because without a doubt, I know the power, the emotion, the raw pain that comes through each and every word, is going to move me to the depths of my soul. I can’t stop the tears as I read your beautiful words; words that I’m certain make your sister proud. Proud that you are a part of her as she is a part of you. Proud that you continue to raise awareness of the dangers of domestic abuse. Proud that you keep her memory alive with your beautiful tributes that honor the love you feel for her. And upon reading the last word of your post, I wipe my tears, try to shake the sadness I feel, say a prayer for your sister, and send comforting thoughts your way. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of your journey.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 22, 2011 at 6:08 pm

      ~~Bella,
      SInce Kay was murdered…I write with my blood.
      Thank you for following me on my so-called journey…
      …and also, thank you for the distractions of you hilareous blogs. xxX

  • Reply
    Wild Child Mama
    June 22, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    So powerful. So powerful. When you said you will never say goodbye to her, I realized it then. Just to look her in the eyes and say goodbye. It’s not the same, is it, to say it in your heart. I hope that she will send you someone to share your secrets with. Even though it won’t be the same. I know. Until you meet again. SO powerful.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 23, 2011 at 7:20 am

      ~~~Dear Mama,
      I have a great support group…
      but not her. You know?
      I have friends…great friends…
      but not her.
      I will never have her until we
      meet again.
      Nobody will EVER be her. Nobody.
      Thanks for you words. They
      are so much appreciated. So
      glad I finally got on your site!! xxX

  • Reply
    Adriana Iris
    June 22, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    i can always feel each one of your words thank you

  • Reply
    Alison@Mama Wants This
    June 22, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    KIm, as always, your posts about Kay leave me breathless. The depth of your grief and pain, so real. I hope that writing it all down, gives you some peace. And knowing that your readers are here for you.

    xoxo
    Alison

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 23, 2011 at 7:24 am

      Dear Alison,
      The WORDS!
      —they have been my refuge for a year & beyond…
      I thank God for them.
      Without words & Poetry…
      I may have shriveled up by now.
      Luv to U .. XXxx

  • Reply
    Mandy - The Complete Cook Book
    June 22, 2011 at 10:26 pm

    Your pure, heartfelt emotion is extremely powerful Kim! You are brave and strong enough to write and say what so many others just lock up inside! I am sending you a warm love filled hug.
    🙂 Mandy

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 23, 2011 at 7:30 am

      __Dear, Mandy,
      I don’t feel brave or strong…
      I just write what is inside ( with my blood & soul)
      I write the HURT. Cuz it hurts so damn bad.
      I write the lonliness. Cuz I am so damn lonely.
      I write.
      Luv your blog. Thank U for the sweet distraction. xxXX

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    June 23, 2011 at 1:16 am

    I can only imagine how heartbroken you are Kim and how it feels like a heart ripped in two will never heal. We are here for you xxx

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 23, 2011 at 7:32 am

      ~~~~Lorraine,
      Somebody asked me… “When will you stop writing about Kay?”
      my answer: “NEVER”
      sometimes it all seems so utterly redundant–but the words are my prayer & my sanity..
      luv to you in Austrailia. Thank you for taking me on your adventures.
      since you, i have gained 10 pounds! xx

  • Reply
    Lady Fi
    June 23, 2011 at 8:18 am

    I feel your pain and rage. There is a beauty too in your love.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 23, 2011 at 8:38 am

      Lady Fi,
      So bitter..So painful.
      It is difficult to observe the beauty in the world…
      except when I look in the eyes of my children.
      xx Kisses.

  • Reply
    Beth
    June 23, 2011 at 8:27 am

    I almost never follow blogs that use the *f* word but I’m going to cut you some slack. 🙂 I am so terribly sorry for your loss! And I have no idea “how you feel” though I am well acquainted with pain. I pray that you can know that she is at peace now and that you WILL be reunited when your work on earth is done!

    Are you raising her children?

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 23, 2011 at 9:08 am

      ~~Beth,
      I never used the “F” word until Kay’s murder. Somehow it
      seems so apt right now. SO utterly apt & appropritate.
      I know we will be united, but it’s the living on earth without her.
      ahhhhhhhhh, that’s the rub.
      All of Kay’s kids moved into my parents house.
      My dad has been the only father they have known for
      several years.
      My daddy is awesome.
      I shall check out your site right now.
      xxx

  • Reply
    Brenda
    June 23, 2011 at 11:31 am

    Only hugs and hugs and more hugs, woman. Loving you from afar.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 23, 2011 at 2:10 pm

      —and i send hugs back to you, Brenda.
      Thank God for WORDS.
      Once again, they have helped me
      thru these dark dark dark days. xxx

  • Reply
    Dad
    June 23, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    Kim, Just think, it’s been over a year sense KAY’S death, and we are all still hurting————– just
    keep writing Kim, it helps all of us.
    Love You So Much
    Dad

  • Reply
    Mommas Soapbox
    June 25, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    Wow! I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the pain you must have having lost her in such an awful way. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))) You will be in my prayers.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 25, 2011 at 5:57 pm

      Thanks for reading, Mamas Soapbox.
      And I send Hugs back to you…. OOOxx

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