In Memory of Kay

Dear God


     

{In the night of death, hope sees a star, and listening love can hear the rustle of a wing.} – Robert Ingersoll

Woman-on-knees-in-prayer 

~Dear God,

It occurred to me that I’ve written letters to Kay,  the Murderer, Myself—but not to You.

 

You—The One who creates, and just as quickly,  takes away.

 

You—The One who constructs colossal temples, and then,  crushes them to the ground with a swift brush of a hand.

 

You—The One I’ve trusted & loved my entire life.

 

I never needed proof of Your existence.

 

I knew instinctively.

 

As one knows about air and water and food.

 

I was never thirsty.

 

Until now.

 

Never panting.

 

Until now.

 

Never hungry.

 

Until now.

 

Do you remember how I previously prayed?

 

Lifting my entire being.

 

UP:::UP::::UP.

 

I prayed like this:  

 

Thank You!  Thank You!  Thank You!”

 

Now I pray like this:

 

Help Me!  Help Me!  Help Me!”

 

I am no longer standing,  my God.

 

I am down on my knees.

 

I am planted to the ground.

 

I am back in the womb.

 

I live between still waters & deep valleys

 

…between green pastures & unlit stars

 

 But I am here.

 

I AM HERE.

 

My heart POUNDING.

 

My voice SCREAMING: 

 

Help Me!  Help Me!  Help Me!”

 

… Even now

 

thru this dull haze

 

this broken glass

 

I can sense your breath like rain

 

Falling:::Falling::::Falling.

 

Flowers opening.

 

Roots rooting.

 

Sun rising.

 

Like small resurrections. 

Like a pierced hand extended out to me.

Me.

~~My sister was murdered 1 year and 21 days ago by Mike Peterson.   Our love was (is) Great & Without End.  We shall meet in Paradise once again.  xxXX     Love.  Always.  Forever.

Read More About Kay Here:   In Memory of Kay 

 ~~~For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

click here NOW : http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/

Click Here to Donate to ( DAIP) Domestic Abuse Intervention Prevention in Duluth: Click here to donate.

 Large Pink Glitter Lips - Glitter LipsXXxx


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46 Comments

  • Reply
    Cheryl Lewis
    June 16, 2011 at 2:22 pm

    I have never read anything more beautiful than this – or believed in anyone more than you. You are loved…

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 16, 2011 at 4:43 pm

      Oooooh, those words felt like a big WARM hug, Cheryl. xx Luv U.

  • Reply
    elizabeth
    June 16, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    Kim- it just breaks my heart that you have no peace. I will ask the universe to bring you some comfort. I do know that you are greatly loved. by Kay, By all of us. xxxx

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 16, 2011 at 4:44 pm

      Peace (Sometimes) because I Believe…but
      girl, that still doesn’t take away the pain & lonliness of losing
      your bestest friend in the entire world.
      Luv U, Elizabeth. xxx

  • Reply
    mercy
    June 16, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    Sweety,

    The sun gets killed, but it comes out again. The rays might be slow, but Our God ensures that the sun comes out. To all! Your sun will come.
    Not today…
    Not tomorrow,
    But as we always say: someday…
    God is the one who causes. He causes in a way that we cannot understand. Like I always tell you, i dont understand God.
    But one thing that I know…He is God! And He holds the sun.

    I hope it shines on you soon.

    Looooove you like a tiny white cat!

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 16, 2011 at 4:46 pm

      “He Holds The Sun.”
      Who else would have said this besides YOU, My African Queen.
      So beautiful. What an image…
      You words fill Me up. xxxx Luv uuuuuuuuuu

  • Reply
    Bella
    June 16, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    Kim, reading your post today was quite a humbling experience. We go through life whining and complaining about stupidities. We cry out to God that life isn’t fair as a result of not finding a parking space when we need one, of not having enough money to travel, or even when our kids misbehave. I wonder how shallow and frivolous are the likes of us, when others like you are in such pain; real pain; justified pain as a result of an unimaginable cruel act that should never have happened. Your letter to God has provided me with food for thought. I feel so small now as I realize I have no right to complain; to object or question. Nevertheless, I believe God comforts his children, takes care of their worries, big or small and is unconditional in His everlasting love. You are in my prayers tonight. May the Lord’s comfort reach you and envelope you in its warmth and may the sun’s rays shine on you tomorrow. Keep the faith. You are not alone.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 16, 2011 at 4:49 pm

      ~~~Bella,
      We are all so utterly HUMAN.
      If this were not so… I would not be in so much pain.
      Yes, I believe in God’s comfort, love, & promises.
      Without Him….I do believe I would have shriveled up a
      year ago.
      With Him, I (and my enitre family) have hope of seeing Kay again.
      Thank you so much for your lovely words & prayers 🙂 xxxxx

  • Reply
    Tia
    June 16, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    Very Powerful. I Love You!!

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 16, 2011 at 4:50 pm

      Tia,
      You see how I even bitch to my Great God?
      He must be tired of me!
      I am glad you are not.
      luv U lots. xx

  • Reply
    Theresa Sonoda
    June 16, 2011 at 7:16 pm

    Hauntingly beautiful. You amaze me. You move me. I’m so glad we found each other, my friend.
    XOXOXO

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 17, 2011 at 6:39 am

      And I found you, my dear. I found you as one of my great distractions 🙂 xxx

  • Reply
    Tracie
    June 16, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    I am crying with you and praying with you as I read this.

    There are no words to say how much this touched my heart. I pray that you will find moments of peace today, and glimpses of His love, even in the midst of your pain.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 17, 2011 at 6:41 am

      ~~~Tracie,
      I love that you are praying.
      I find this difficult to do…so I repeat the 23 Psalm over and over…
      And of course, I scream: HELP ME, JESUS.
      xxxx Love Love Love.

  • Reply
    Alison@Mama Wants This
    June 16, 2011 at 10:11 pm

    This was beautiful Kim. I hope the peace you seek? You shall find soon. xoxo

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 17, 2011 at 6:41 am

      Mama,
      I shall find my peace when I meet Kay again.
      Love to you, Sweet Mama. xx

  • Reply
    Mandy - The Complete Cook Book
    June 16, 2011 at 10:26 pm

    You are beyond remarkable!
    🙂 Mandy

  • Reply
    LBDDiaries
    June 16, 2011 at 10:29 pm

    What I can say about you and Him, the One I know so intimately and personally, will require a private email. Just realize He never gave up on you; He never stopped loving you; never stopped talking to you altho, in grief you could not always hear; never, never, never believe He is the author if this evil.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 17, 2011 at 6:55 am

      Dear, LB,
      I love Him. I love Him. I love Him.
      But I need to trust Him.
      I am sad. I am lonely. I am so alone sometimes (without my sister)
      I need to know He has a higher purpose for this PAIN.
      Luv to You, Sweet Nan. xx

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    June 17, 2011 at 3:24 am

    Kim I can feel your pain so directly through your words. You touch all of us so much xxx

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 17, 2011 at 6:46 am

      ~~And thank goodness I have you, Lorraine, as one of my Greatest Distractions. The adventures you take me on are like answered prayers … XXxx

  • Reply
    Kelly
    June 17, 2011 at 6:37 am

    Kim, the Woman who changed my world,
    I am finding that God is deeply mysterious, but I feel he is somehow here right now in everything with us. So while you and I are agonizing about what you are going through, I believe God is agonizing with us. It absolutely affects our life and the way we deal with death, because if you believe in the life after death, then it’s only a temporary goodbye, and not a permanent goodbye. I find that VERY comforting.

    Kim, I hope when I grow up I can be just like YOU!!!!

    LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!!

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 17, 2011 at 6:49 am

      ~O000000hh, Gorgeous Kelly,
      You are sooo beautiful & inspiring “Just The Way You Are.”
      Your comments moved me, spur me on… make me laugh, make me ponder…
      Yes! Life after Death. Without God (Whom I will never understand) I would have NOTHING. Nothing at all.
      Love Love Love. xxxX

  • Reply
    Barbara Barth
    June 17, 2011 at 7:28 am

    So beautifully written. You are amazing. B

  • Reply
    Lady Fi
    June 17, 2011 at 10:47 am

    This was painful and beautiful. I wish you strength.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 17, 2011 at 11:16 am

      Lady, Fi,
      I am finding that one lives in between the distractions.
      Your Blog is one of my lovely distractions. 🙂

  • Reply
    Brenda
    June 17, 2011 at 11:56 am

    My dearest Kim, you always manage to stand me still, take my breath. You’ve kept your faith and your strength grows by the day. Love and hugs, Brenda

  • Reply
    Dad
    June 17, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    My Dearst Kim, God will never get tired or sick of you, he loves you so much that he sent his
    only son down to die for you & all of us. He said he will never leave us or forsake us, even if
    we don’t understand him——————– that is what faith in him is all about.
    Your blog was so beautifuly written, you also amaze me.

    Love You So Much
    Dad

  • Reply
    Marthese
    June 17, 2011 at 10:20 pm

    Great virtual hug, coming your way…It is amazing how our “Faith in God”…how it helps each and everyone of us to deal with hard situations in our Life xxx

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 17, 2011 at 11:25 pm

      Marthese,
      I’m trying to trust Him. It is very hard to
      do so when one is Mourning so deeply.
      I send a virtual hug back to you. xxx

  • Reply
    Jane
    June 18, 2011 at 12:05 am

    I came over from LBS, I wasn’t expecting to read a post like this. And, once I started I didn’t expect it to effect me the way it did. This was really beautiful. I hope for that you find the help you need from God. It strengthens my own faith, when I hear about someone going through turmoil in their life, and still having faith, believing and praying.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 18, 2011 at 6:25 am

      Dear, Jane,
      It is so strange, but when I hear about other women going thru the same
      sort of pain, I feel suddenly connected to them.
      Most people do not understand this kind of pain….Oh, God,
      I wish I didn’t.
      Thank you for popping in. xxxx

  • Reply
    Nicole Abdou
    June 18, 2011 at 5:55 am

    WOW. This was very powerful. I am stopping by from the LBS Tea Party, and so glad I did.
    I am terribly sorry you lost your sister in such a violent way. It’s heart breaking.
    You have a new follower!

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 18, 2011 at 6:21 am

      ~~Dear, Nicole,
      Thanks for popping by.
      I shall stop over to your site right now.
      xx

  • Reply
    Christina
    June 18, 2011 at 6:36 am

    It is a very heartfelt letter. Thanks for sharing this with others.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 18, 2011 at 8:55 am

      ~~Christina,
      Thank U for reading.
      It is appreciated 🙂

  • Reply
    Petite
    June 18, 2011 at 7:18 am

    Kim dear,
    Your Post moved me to tears.
    Very soul wrenching and honest.
    Take care sweetie and keep your head up.
    You are loved.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 18, 2011 at 8:56 am

      Dear Petite,
      And you are loved by me, as well.
      Haven’t been able to post on your site for some reason.
      I miss your posts. xxx

  • Reply
    carol anne
    June 18, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    I’m here by way of the LBS. I’m awed and humbled by your strength and faith. I’ll be back to read again.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 18, 2011 at 2:21 pm

      Dear, Carol Anne,
      I do have the Faith…
      But I’m not quite sure about the Strength…
      Every Day Is A New Day.
      Thanks for reading. xx

  • Reply
    Sandy Webb
    June 24, 2011 at 10:28 am

    I commend you for your continued spirituality. Mine has faltered since TJ’s death. Frankly, it is just doesn’t exist any longer.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 24, 2011 at 10:32 am

      ~~~Sandy,
      without my faith & knowing where Kay is…
      I have NOTHING.
      NOTHING.
      I would love to hear your story sometime.
      I think of you.
      xx Kim

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