In Memory of Kay

The Final Awakening.


 

Death–the last sleep? No, it is the final awakening. –Walter Scott

~It’s been  the longest year of my fucking existence.

The year of fire and hell and small awakenings.

The year of dreamlessness dreams and sleeplessness sleeps.

The year of darkness and dimness and tiny flickers of  light.

However…

Today I feel  somewhat ordinary,  somewhat sane.

How I used to feel in my other life.  My old life.  My carefree life.

Slipping into a familiar shell.

Sometimes it’s like  I’ve been lifted up from my knees and positioned into  new place.

A place of partial  peace. 

Sometimes.

Sometimes.

I’ve actually gone thru an entire day of work without the need to burst into a fit of tears while sitting in the girl’s bathroom.

I’ve actually stopped loathing my co-workers for moving forward, laughing at jokes,  &  being blessed with whole families & SISTERS.

You see, I blamed all of you for living when I was dying.

I hated you for that.

Hated that your heart continued opening when mine continued closing.

I blamed you for not understanding, for musing how amazing your holidays were, for attending soccer games, for not recognizing my excruciating, intolerable pain.

I blamed you for the black hole I had fallen into when you were standing above ground.

I despised all of you for awaking to a luminous sun when my sun had dried up.

I’m sorry.   So so so so sorry.

It wasn’t your fault.

It wasn’t your responsibility to carry my heavy burden, too.

It wasn’t your fault for breathing easily, for living your days undisturbed and uninterrupted.

I can see that now.

I can see that I was wrong for needing…wanting…all of you to experience my pain.

So if I haven’t called you back or responded to your emails or attended your graduation parties and barbecues….

It’s not that I’m disregarding you.

The truth is– I’ve been walking thru a deep valley.

The deepest valley I’ve ever known.

I’ve been walking…walking

Slowly.

Oh-So-Slowly.

This smoky air.

This low fog.

This unimaginable truth.

And from time to time when I look up…

Sometimes.

There is light.

Sometimes.

There is sun.

Warm & beautiful upon my face.

My Sister was murdered 1 year & 18 days ago.  The clocks stopped.  Part of me is changed FOREVER.  Always.

Read More About Kay Here:   In Memory of Kay 

 ~~~For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

click here NOW : http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/

Click Here to Donate to ( DAIP) Domestic Abuse Intervention Prevention in Duluth: Click here to donate.

 Large Pink Glitter Lips - Glitter LipsXXxx


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43 Comments

  • Reply
    Karen Sosnoski
    June 13, 2011 at 9:05 am

    I’m sure no one reading these heartfelt, beautiful words could blame you for the missed barbecue, graduation or email. As always, I’m wishing you more sun-warmed moments as well as understanding from all who love you when you have no choice but to endure more darkness. XO Karen

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 13, 2011 at 10:44 am

      Karen,
      people like you…your words…encouragement..passion…kindness…
      this is what spurs me forward little by little.
      xxx Luv.

  • Reply
    Alison@Mama Wants This
    June 13, 2011 at 9:05 am

    And may the sun continue to shine on you, Kim. xoxo

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 13, 2011 at 10:45 am

      ~~Alison,
      this is my hope. yes, this is my hope…my prayer. xxx

  • Reply
    Lady Fi
    June 13, 2011 at 9:31 am

    May you grab the sunlight with both hands!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 13, 2011 at 10:46 am

      Lady, Fi,
      What a beautiful image 🙂 xx

  • Reply
    Kelly
    June 13, 2011 at 10:05 am

    “No matter how dark the night, somehow the sun rises once again and all shadows are chased away.”
    – David Matthew Click

    Love Love Love YOU!!!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 13, 2011 at 10:47 am

      ~~Come Sun. Come. Come. SHine upon my face.
      Love love love, Gorgeous Kelly. xx

  • Reply
    Tia
    June 13, 2011 at 10:16 am

    That was incredible! I Love You!!!!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 13, 2011 at 10:47 am

      ~~Luv you more…Don’t you know that? xxx

    • Reply
      Kim
      June 16, 2011 at 9:42 am

      Kimmy
      It has been my honor to help carry your burden as a friend because I love u. I know u would do the same
      For me. No one will ever know Your pain but u. Just always remember u are surround by love & support to help u carry on one day at a time. Together in Paradise when it’s our time. Love u

      • Reply
        Kim Sisto-Robinson
        June 16, 2011 at 11:33 am

        Kimmy,
        You have been there to listen to my cry, scream & swear waaay too much. I luv u. I will never forget. Never.
        One day in Paradise. One day. I look forward to that day.
        xxx Many Kisses.

  • Reply
    mercy
    June 13, 2011 at 10:35 am

    Kim,

    I understand how you felt. A part of you leaves when you lose your soul mate. You ‘forget’ how to be normal. It reaches a point where all you can do is to try being…

    One becomes a totally different person. But then a time comes when you get a new ‘normal’

    It is never the same.

    Love you.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 13, 2011 at 10:49 am

      ~~African Queen.
      “Try Being.”
      that is a perfect desription. 🙂
      Love love love U… xxX
      ps. You know the pain, don’t you?

  • Reply
    Amy
    June 13, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    Ahhh. . .your beautiful heart. Kim, I adore you and there isn’t a person who knows you who should judge you for feeling how you felt, how you feel now or how you will feel in the future. Learning to live after something so devastating has happened. . .well, it’s one excruciating process. Love you til the end of time!

  • Reply
    kim sisto robinson
    June 13, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, until the end of time.
    I shall see Kay & you shall see your Brother then.
    How sweet will that be?
    How wonderful that will be….
    Luv U, Amy.
    XXxx

  • Reply
    Theresa Sonoda
    June 13, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    You are healing, my sweet friend. Time is healing you. YOU are healing you. The process has beaten you up but not taken you down. You are one strong wonderful woman.
    Love!
    XOXO

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 13, 2011 at 5:15 pm

      Dear Theresa,
      I am oh-so-utterly weak & horribly human…
      but gain strength from women like you xxx

  • Reply
    Charlene
    June 13, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    Oh Kim, there is nothing to be sorry for. Those of us who love you (and I think that’s everyone who’s ever crossed your path) knew that one day you’d be back. Different perhaps, but back.

    We also knew that even though you hated us, deep down you loved us more.

    xoxo my friend.

  • Reply
    Helene Abbott
    June 13, 2011 at 2:29 pm

    So, so beautiful Kim. So happy to hear you are now experiencing the light at the end of the tunel. Your sister would want you to carry on in her beautiful ways and keep the world happy.
    God bless you dear gal…
    Sissy

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 13, 2011 at 5:17 pm

      ~~~Sissy,
      So hard to be in this world without Kay…So very hard.
      I never thought I could live without her…
      but I am trying. Oh, God, I’m trying.
      Each day a new day…Who knows what’s around the corner 🙂
      xxxxx

  • Reply
    Mandy - The Complete Cook Book
    June 13, 2011 at 10:02 pm

    I am giving you a BIG virtual hug!
    The sun will always continue to shine down on you and you will feel it’s warmth more and more.
    🙂 Mandy

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    June 14, 2011 at 3:13 am

    This is wonderful and heartening to know that you are feeling the warmth on your skin again. I know it must have seemed like it would never happen but I think Kay would want you to be at the place you are at now xxx

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 14, 2011 at 7:01 am

      Sometimes Warmth.
      Sometimes (many times) Lonliness.
      Every. Single. Day. Is Unexpected. & New.
      xxx Kiss for you from Duluth, Lorraine

  • Reply
    Bella
    June 14, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    Kim, I read your post and couldn’t help but be moved by your heartfelt words. Your words, while still tinged with pain, shed light on possibilities. Possibilities of giving a voice to those who can’t speak for themselves, of advocating for a worthy cause, of finding light in the darkness you are slowly leaving behind. I wish you strength, continued courage, and light so that you may continue on your journey.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 14, 2011 at 4:30 pm

      Dear, Bella.
      Darkness mixed with bits of light.
      Shadows combined with glimmers of hope.
      It is all sooo slow & difficult without my dear Sister.
      It is hard to find meaning.
      …But now I have a cause…
      And I shall become HER voice.
      A voice that was silenced for several years..
      Thanks for reading xxX

  • Reply
    LBDDiaries
    June 14, 2011 at 5:23 pm

    And now, like the beautiful flower you are, your face is aimed upward toward the sun and Son and it will get better from this point forward. You truly have survived the unimaginable, unbelievable horror most of us never have to face. You ranted, railed, wailed, screamed, yelled, expressed, depressed, shared your pain and life without Kay in it, died a little, and now you will bloom again and become a woman who moves on, never forgetting, never quite letting go, but more able to take a breath, be grateful for it and go on to experience life to its fullest. You will love those around you more fiercely and totally. Never let a day go by without saying, “I love you” to those you do. You can do nothing less but live LARGE now. Enjoy life to the max because you know how short it can be.

    And what you have shared with us here has marked me. I do not take my life for granted anymore – not since I e-met you. I try to enjoy and embrace every day, being grateful and expressing that gratitude. Kim? I love you.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 14, 2011 at 8:12 pm

      Dear, Nan,
      What beautiful words you have to say about the SUN / SON.
      Without that hope…Without His promises, I would have shriveled up and dyed
      12 months ago. But I know Kay & I shall be together one day AGAIN.
      Thank you for your voice & love of God.
      I luv you, too. xxX

  • Reply
    Tara
    June 14, 2011 at 7:18 pm

    In carrying the cross of Kay’s murder, you’re growing stronger. That is why you get those brief glimpses of light, that “familiar shell.” I’d say carrying it has become your new “normal.” But I must say, you’ve embraced it fully. You’ve become an advocate for domestic-violence prevention, using Kay’s story to raise awareness. That’s bold, and it shows how you’re changing for the better.

    “I blamed all of you for living when I was dying.” Wow, that says it all. Kim, I sometimes think you feel guilty for “burdening” us with your pain, and you shouldn’t feel this way. We WANT to be there for you, a full support system. You have so much love around you, and that will never change.

    This was a wicked-beautiful piece, Kim. Here’s to more “places of partial peace,” as you put it. Just take things as they come, one day at a time, as I’m sure you know good and well.

    Love you,
    Tara

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 14, 2011 at 8:15 pm

      ~~Tara,
      My wise, beautiful friend…
      Your words, scripture, & encouragement have
      helped me move forward (bit by bit) Dark into Light.
      I believe that God is using your for one of my angels. 🙂 xxxx Luv U.

  • Reply
    Adriana Iris
    June 14, 2011 at 8:56 pm

    oh dear Kim… sending you all my love. 😉

  • Reply
    Dad
    June 15, 2011 at 8:44 am

    Kim, you coulden’t have said it better, What a great blog to express yourself & how you feel
    now.
    Love You
    Dad

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 15, 2011 at 8:54 am

      ~~~Daddy, Kay used to be my greatest fan…now U R.
      Thank you for loving me “just how I am!”
      luv Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu SO much.

  • Reply
    Wild Child Mama
    June 16, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    Thank you for your honesty, your raw truths. Thank you for sharing your feelings here, for being human, for being strong enough to say what is heavy on your heart. You have chosen to share and I am grateful for that!

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 16, 2011 at 12:49 pm

      Wild Child Mama,
      What else is there besides the “Raw Truth?”
      And it sucks rotten Eggs! The truth hurts…Damn well HURTS.
      And….This is the reason I love your blogs so much…because of your truth 🙂
      xx

  • Reply
    brenda
    June 18, 2011 at 8:40 am

    And after you grab that sunlight, take a turn at the star.. and skip on over to wonderland ( in your heart)… I remember the first time I read your post of Kay on Skirt. I had been away from that site for a long while and was stunned to read your words. I didn’t know you then (and even thought we’ve never meant in person) I’ve come to know you through your words… It warms my heart still seeing all the loving support here on this place…

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 19, 2011 at 7:54 am

      Dear Brenda,
      I am trying to grab the sunlight. Each day is different.
      Some days I am inside the still waters…& other days,
      I am drowing.
      Writing & Words are my medicine., my peace.
      And I know they are yours, as well . xx

  • Reply
    Sandy Webb
    June 21, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    Kim

    XOXOX I can relate. I have been in my shell for over a year now. There are days when I see a flicker of light and other days when the darkness overwhelms me. I know we have only met recently and of course you haven’t read all my blogs but, please, if you get the chance, go and read this one: http://flyingwg.blogspot.com/2011/04/journey.html I stole it and don’t know who the author is but I think anyone experience grief can relate. Big hugs for you!

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 21, 2011 at 2:41 pm

      I am going over to this post right now…
      thanks, Sandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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