Death–the last sleep? No, it is the final awakening. –Walter Scott
~It’s been the longest year of my fucking existence.
The year of fire and hell and small awakenings.
The year of dreamlessness dreams and sleeplessness sleeps.
The year of darkness and dimness and tiny flickers of light.
Today I feel somewhat ordinary, somewhat sane.
How I used to feel in my other life. My old life. My carefree life.
Slipping into a familiar shell.
Sometimes it’s like I’ve been lifted up from my knees and positioned into new place.
A place of partial peace.
I’ve actually gone thru an entire day of work without the need to burst into a fit of tears while sitting in the girl’s bathroom.
I’ve actually stopped loathing my co-workers for moving forward, laughing at jokes, & being blessed with whole families & SISTERS.
You see, I blamed all of you for living when I was dying.
I hated you for that.
Hated that your heart continued opening when mine continued closing.
I blamed you for not understanding, for musing how amazing your holidays were, for attending soccer games, for not recognizing my excruciating, intolerable pain.
I blamed you for the black hole I had fallen into when you were standing above ground.
I despised all of you for awaking to a luminous sun when my sun had dried up.
I’m sorry. So so so so sorry.
It wasn’t your fault.
It wasn’t your responsibility to carry my heavy burden, too.
It wasn’t your fault for breathing easily, for living your days undisturbed and uninterrupted.
I can see that now.
I can see that I was wrong for needing…wanting…all of you to experience my pain.
So if I haven’t called you back or responded to your emails or attended your graduation parties and barbecues….
It’s not that I’m disregarding you.
The truth is– I’ve been walking thru a deep valley.
The deepest valley I’ve ever known.
I’ve been walking…walking
This smoky air.
This low fog.
This unimaginable truth.
And from time to time when I look up…
There is light.
There is sun.
Warm & beautiful upon my face.
Read More About Kay Here: In Memory of Kay
~~~For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.
click here NOW : http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/
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