In Memory of Kay

One Year After


 

One year after…

and I’m somewhat back inside my body.

In the beginning, I floated above myself

A hummingbird hovering— unsure where to fly, what to do, where to go

After all, the bastard shot me, too

But I was wide awake

Ahh, there’s the rub…there’s the cruelty…there’s the shit shit shit of life

I walked around like a slow moving fog…I became the air itself

The doctor had black hair.  Wore an excessively, hideous white coat

A studious man standing erect at the waiting room door

I despised him immediately.  Despised his voice announcing the death of my sister’s brain….the death of me.

One year after…

and I didn’t become an alcoholic.

I tried.  God, I tried.

I drank one glass of merlot, then two, then three, then the entire bottle was gone.

But no matter how much I swallowed…nothing helped

I still saw her beautiful face connected to tubes, a breathing machine, a stainless steel bed

I still saw her dark hair pulled back  against the white pillow case like an angel

Her eyes closed like weary flowers

Her lips pressed together like a last communion

I remember thinking…

Let me go with her.

Please  Please  Please

One year after…

And I still haven’t gone crazy

But I’m on the edge…yeah, on the rim of the rim

A step away from insanity.

A thought away from Bedlam & Plath’s Elm Tree

It’s amazing what a mind can endure

What a body can tolerate

What a mere human being can accept

Or not accept

It’s astounding how a heart can beat when the mind has departed

One year after…

And I can almost go thru a day without crying.

I called my mommy last week and announced,  “Guess what?  I haven’t cried today.”

And she said, “I’m so happy, Kim.”

One year after…

And the sun still shines differently.

The colors of the garden are less

And the deer devoured the tulips I’ve loved & grown for twenty years

This was the first time that happened

The blood red.   The Lemon yellow.  The tangerine orange

Not this year

Not this time

But the roots are still deep inside the soil

Deep   Deep   Deep

They will rise next year

Won’t they?

Kay Marie, my love… My Life was murdered by Mike Peterson 1 year & 9 days ago.

Large Pink Glitter Lips - Glitter Lips

Read More About Kay Here:   In Memory of Kay 

 ~~~For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

click here NOW : http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/

Click Here to Donate to ( DAIP) Domestic Abuse Intervention Prevention in Duluth: Click here to donate.

 

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36 Comments

  • Reply
    Alison@Mama Wants This
    June 4, 2011 at 6:05 am

    Kim, you write so beautifully. Your sister’s memory is forever honored by your words. xoxo

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 4, 2011 at 9:10 am

      ~~She will be honored & adored as long as I have breath inside my body. (and afterwards.
      thank you, Alison xxxx

  • Reply
    Kellly
    June 4, 2011 at 6:19 am

    Oh Kim, I feel so HORRIBLE that what you have lost, in turn you have given me. I see the world so much clearer. The sun shines differently in a most AMAZING way. I stop and smell EVERY flower I come across, from the bouqet at SuperOne, the blossoms on the tree’s, I even make the lady who sells roses in the bar stop so I can smell them. I will ALWAYS stop and smell that magical aroma because of who you have helped me become!!! I must remember to appreciate what I have, and that my friend is because of YOU!!!!!

    Keep Writing.. Keep Feeling… KEEP BEING YOU!!!!!

    LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!
    <3 <3 <3

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 4, 2011 at 9:12 am

      Gorgeous, Kelly,
      Your heart is SO LARGE….& your words are SO LOVELY.
      I appreciate that you inhale the Blossoms & Roses. That you stop and savor the scents of summer.
      Love Love Love.
      XXX Kiss Kiss Kiss.

  • Reply
    Charlene
    June 4, 2011 at 6:41 am

    More beautiful words from a beautiful soul. Yes, Kim, they will rise again and so will you – you already are. The words that come from your beautiful, broken heart always move me. I just love this post. (But then I love all of them.) Keep writing. We’ll keep reading. One year later… two years later… infinity years later… we’ll keep reading.
    xoxo

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 4, 2011 at 9:16 am

      ~~Dearest, Charlene…
      Words Words Words
      They have continually been my friend & escape & constant companion,
      Thanks for reading my dear, dear lovely Charlene. xxxxxxxXX

  • Reply
    Mercy
    June 4, 2011 at 6:51 am

    love you lots Kim. You write beautifully!!!!

    Am still trying to sleep. 🙂

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 4, 2011 at 9:17 am

      Love you, My African Queen. XXxx
      I still do not write as well as UUUUUU.

  • Reply
    Joan
    June 4, 2011 at 7:09 am

    The tulips will grow again, or not. If they don’t, you will plant something else that won’t get eaten by tghe deer. Perhaps they know something we don’t. The tulips would have been a reaffirmation of Kay’s life for you. But you have just emerged from an “annus horriblus”. There are many other things and people surrounding you that are helping with your recovery from the awful event of last year. You don’t need the tulips. You have your very own healing going on and your very own inner chick that is keeping you going. Your writing is the catharsis; your healing is on-going. Keep writing. It’s beautiful and we are reading and grieving and healing along with you.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 4, 2011 at 9:22 am

      Dear, Joan,
      The Tulips. The Tulips.
      But I loved them sooooo much!
      I thank you, dear, for all of your encouragement & inspirtation & strength during my dark days.
      It helps somehow…to know that you have been inside the dark valley, too.
      Love to you. xxx

  • Reply
    Theresa Sonoda
    June 4, 2011 at 8:32 am

    The flowers will grow again. And so will you. My heart swells for you every time I read your writing. You put it all out there and I feel it all. I feel kindred spirit with you even though I haven’t experienced such a loss. You are amazing and I’m so happy to be getting to know you.
    XOXOs

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 4, 2011 at 9:24 am

      ~~~Sweet, Theresa,
      I feel the kindred spirit with you, as well.
      Your humor & sass & authenticity have been a great distraction for
      me during my mourning (which will last FOREVER)
      Thanks for the helping me smile & even LAUGH.
      xx Kiss from MN.

  • Reply
    Karen
    June 4, 2011 at 9:51 am

    so beautiful and sad. Xo.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 4, 2011 at 4:56 pm

      Yes,
      so so so sad.
      Thanks for reading, Karen. xxx Kiss

  • Reply
    Lady Fi
    June 4, 2011 at 10:06 am

    You’re doing so well. These small steps hide the great achievements behind them.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 4, 2011 at 4:57 pm

      Lady Fi,
      your words are as profound as your photos. XX xx

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    June 5, 2011 at 2:50 am

    They will Kim they will. Even though it doesn’t feel like it you are slowly healing. It’s such a slow and painstaking process and it’s one that you should have never had to go through xxx

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 5, 2011 at 7:42 am

      ~~Lorraine,
      Yes, They will… But will I??? That is the question.
      Looooooooooove to you in Austrailia.
      So happy I found your blog 🙂 xxx

  • Reply
    Tina
    June 5, 2011 at 11:34 am

    This was so incredibly moving. Not what I expected when I decided to hop over from LBS to visit your blog. But I’m glad I came. Reminders of how precious, and short, life is seem to come to me when they are needed most. Many hugs to you, and thanks for sharing this.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 5, 2011 at 12:37 pm

      Dear, Tina.
      Thanks for stopping over to My Inner Chick.
      I shall check out your blog now.
      ~Savor the moments. xxX

  • Reply
    Amy
    June 5, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    Oh, dear. . .you are so beautiful. Love you tons and tons and tons. xoxox

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 5, 2011 at 1:00 pm

      ~~You are Beautiful, Amy.
      Your Heart. Your Words. Your Compassion.
      XX Luv U tons back.

  • Reply
    Tia
    June 5, 2011 at 3:52 pm

    I love you!

  • Reply
    Mandy - The Complete Cook Book
    June 5, 2011 at 9:31 pm

    Kim, you are absolutely remarkable! You write so beautifully which will keep your sister’s memory alive for all eternity as these wonderful words you write will never be erased.
    🙂 Mandy

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 5, 2011 at 9:39 pm

      Dear, Mandy,
      My sister will Never be Erased…Never be Released. Never be forgotten.
      Thanks for you kind words. xxXX Kiss from Minnesota.

  • Reply
    Tara
    June 6, 2011 at 7:04 am

    Kim,

    Your opening lines reminded me of a story. When I lived in my apartment, I hung a Boston fern from my patio, and some birds planted a nest in it. They ruined my damn plant, but I let them stay anyways. One day, a severe thunderstorm blew through Atlanta. I didn’t want the rain and winds to damage the nest, so I took the plant off its hook and put it on the porch. I figured it’d be more secure there.

    But when the mother bird flew back, she couldn’t find her nest. Instead, she hovered around the hook, almost in a panic. She flew away, only to come back and find things just as chaotic. She couldn’t understand that the plant was on the porch, she couldn’t see it. So I – reluctantly – put it back on the hook, and watched it sway back and forth in the wind. But this time, when she came back, the mother bird settled immediately, home at last.

    Her sole purpose in life was to take care of those chicks, and when that purpose was tampered with, she didn’t know what to do with herself. I sometimes wonder what she would’ve done had I not placed the plant back on its hook. But while mothering was her only real purpose in life, Kay is just one of your many purposes. Everyone from your family to your talents – the gifts God has given you – is reason for you being here.

    Right now, however, you’re getting your footing. Like the mother bird, you’re flying with little direction, desperate to find purpose in life without Kay. But God puts us here for multiple reasons, and when our purpose is fulfilled, He takes us. I have a hunch that – had I not replaced the plant – the mother bird would’ve eventually found another purpose. God would’ve given her one, or else, taken her.

    I wish I could tell you how to find new purpose, but no one can. I think of life as one, long journey – a pilgrimage – back home, and I’m referring to heaven. We trod on, and we encounter so many obstacles on the way – temptations, struggles, and all sorts of evils. With God’s help, we overcome them, and with each victory, we’re stronger and closer to home.

    Kay’s murder is more than a mere obstacle for you…it’s like a brick wall you have to climb over. This is gonna take time and God’s help. Family and friends can be there and help, but when all is said and done, finding peace will be a personal victory. Yet even when you do fine peace and purpose, remember there will always be a certain amount of unrest, something that wants more. It’s innate within all of us.

    As Saint Augustine said, “Thou hast created us for Thyself, and our heart is not quiet until it rests in Thee.”

    Love you, lady!
    Tara

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 6, 2011 at 1:51 pm

      I have gone all day without sobbing….until now. Until Now…
      ….”and when our purpose is fulfilled, He takes us”
      My dad and I said this about Kay…Her purpose was done…Her mission was filled.
      ………but OHHHHHHHH, God, I miss her, I miss her. I miss her sooo much.
      I love your words. I just love them. i love love love them
      Are you sure you don’t want to be a nun???!!!

      Love you, Tara. xx

  • Reply
    Dad
    June 6, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    Kim, Tara is right, God has a purpose for you, maybe several purposes, but I think it’s your writting.
    When you help others because of your writting than thats one of Gods purposes for you.
    (Never never stop writting)
    Love You More
    Dad

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 6, 2011 at 1:52 pm

      Daddy…I love you more more more…
      More than chocolate chip cookies. xxx Serious.

  • Reply
    Brenda
    June 6, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    Kim – beautiful as ever, you are born to write. I agree with Dad, btw. There is a purpose and a reason for everything in this life. Keep moving woman, and don’t stop writing.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 6, 2011 at 1:53 pm

      ~~Dear Brenda,
      Born to Write.
      I like that…And It has saved me so many years…especially now.
      …. coming from you…. it means so much more.
      Cuz You are Brilliant.
      xxx Kiss

  • Reply
    Devan @ Accustomed Chaos
    June 7, 2011 at 6:23 am

    Sending you so much love. Beautifully written. ((HUGS))

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 7, 2011 at 6:33 am

      ~~Love–right back to you, Devan. 🙂

  • Reply
    Sandy Webb
    June 21, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    Kim –

    I am sorry I haven’t visited lately. I have really been wonky since the crash. I think of you often though. I can really relate to this post. I felt and many days still feel that way. Big hugs to you. I am slowly getting caught up on your posts.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 21, 2011 at 1:57 pm

      Dear, Sandy,
      I think of you, also….
      Does the pain ever cease?
      This is what I ask myself.
      No, i believe we begin to live
      in between the distractions.
      I shall never be complete without
      my sister.
      xxx Hugs for you today & always.

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