In Memory of Kay

My God Shall Raise Me Up.


 

{ ~But from this earth, this grave, this dust,
My God shall raise me up, I trust. } –Walter Raleigh

 

DAY ONE                The “Kay Marie Sisto Walk to End Domestic Violence” was a

Powerful event.  For the reason that  I saw several people that I’ve disconnected with

since Kay’s murder. I don’t know why….I just couldn’t see them cut in half, with half a heart, with half a soul.

Without Kay.

I suppose that’s why.

But so many of those people were there in their black  t-shirts in memory of Kay…..  And we immediately began hugging & kissing & crying together.

A superb writer / English professor, whom I’ve never met, flew in from Virginia to support the event.  She’s read all of my blogs about Kay and declared,   “I just had to be there!”     

Karen,  I loved seeing your face for the first time.

So many people.   So much love.    Only one person Missing.

Always missing.

Saint Shirley confessed to me at the end of the day:  “ Kimmie, this felt right.  This felt good.  I think I will bake a chocolate cake when I get home.”

I loooooooooooooooooooooooooove my mommy.

DAY TWO:                 The mornings are still filled with sorrow.  Like a gnawing pain

deep so deep deep deep inside the heart.

Rising and falling ….  Rising and falling

it never stops  I wonder if that will ever end….I mean, that emptiness inside the body,  that hole,  that part of me that seems oh-so-utterly lost and longing?

DAY THREE:              I’ve been hearing Mourning Doves outside while I write.

Why are they out at nighttime?    When it’s black, when it’s almost midnight?   Don’t birds sleep when the sun sleeps?

For some reason, I find this absolutely & divinely beautiful.

 

DAY FOUR             God, what do you want from me?

Send lightening.    Send  a piercing audible voice.    Show me where I go from here.         

Without Kay. Without my completeness. Without.

DAY FIVE:                Tia told me about a dream she had about  Kay last week.

You know how dreams are?   Suddenly Kay was there.  And Tia ran up to

her and started gently rubbing her back.

“Don’t you know how much Kim misses you,” she said.

Kay stared up at her puzzled and responded,  “Doesn’t she know where I am?”

DAY SIX:                   I’ve been baking cakes like Saint Shirley does.

That woman always has a cake on the table, a smile on her face, a prayer on her lips.         

How the hell did she have a rebel girl like me?!

Anyhow, I’ve learned how to make Caramel Frosting.  

Now when I visit family, Kay’s boys— what do they get?

Yes,

Cake with REAL (yeah, you heard me right)  Caramel Frosting!

Serious.

I’m hooked.

One of my favorite authors, Home – Beryl Singleton Bissell

 asked me to be her guest at her new book reading on June 2.    Guess what I’m going to bring her?

 

Yep,

White cake with Caramel Frosting!

DAY SEVEN:                        I woke up on May 26 with dread & anxiety & fear.

your murder.   your death.  your anniversary. 

A  year GONE.  A year Lost.  A year of  Fragments & Fog.

I wrote.   As I do.  As I do do do

Each word like a prayer, a plea, a reminder that you were here.  here  here  fucking fucking here

We brought you flowers.  We brought you colored glass.  We brought you our undying affection.

We prayed.   We cried.   We sat by your stone listening to the chimes, the birds, the silence.

We remembered how you  Loved   Loved   Loved.

How you loved with every ounce of your being until you were all used up.

…Until God took you Home.

               ~~~

Recipe For Caramel Cake Frosting– OH, MY!

caramel frosting

1 c. brown sugar

½ c. butter

¼ c. milk

Confectioners sugar, as needed.

Directions:

1. cook sugar and butter for 2 minutes on stove (do not let burn as I did!)

2. stir in ¼ c. milk

3. bring to a boil (cool)

4. stir in confectioners sugar, until thick enough to spread

~Read More About Kay Here:   In Memory of Kay 

D3 - Kay Marie Sisto Memorial Walk/Run 

Large Pink Glitter Lips - Glitter Lips

 ~~~For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

click here NOW : http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/

Click Here to Donate to ( DAIP) Domestic Abuse Intervention Prevention: Click here to donate.


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28 Comments

  • Reply
    Mercy
    May 28, 2011 at 11:30 am

    How sad that this is how man has to live. Yet we cant do a thing apart from live.

    Love you.
    Think of you often.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 28, 2011 at 1:21 pm

      I love you, My African Queen 🙂 xxx

  • Reply
    Joan
    May 28, 2011 at 11:30 am

    Lovely, Kim. I’m so happy you are writing all of these thoughts and I do love the recipes sprinkled in with the sad memories. Thanks for writing.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 28, 2011 at 1:23 pm

      Bitter. Sweet. Caramel Frosing. Missing. Longing. Love. Love. Love.

      ~~Sprinkled all over the place. xxXX

  • Reply
    Alina
    May 28, 2011 at 11:54 am

    Karen is awesome.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 28, 2011 at 1:23 pm

      I know…How Cool is she? xxxxx

  • Reply
    susan
    May 28, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    Boy, that dream was a powerful one. But how awesome. You made it- past that day. It’s been the worst year of your life, I imagine- but you have made it. You rebel you! 🙂

    OK- so baking cakes has got to be good for you, Sharing the love does everybody good. I wish I were closer- I would love a piece! It sounds DIVINE!
    Can I share with you my caramel icing story? I may have told it to you before but let it be a lesson to you not to over cook it! My mama was not the greatest cook. She made a cake as well with caramel icing, but like evrything, she overcooked it. The result was that the icing shrunk up as it were shrieking ( and shrinking!) LOL, as if were trying to escape the cake. Us kids called it Elephane Skin Cake behind her back. So mean. 🙂 We held up our hand behind her back and made elephant sounds.
    Now I’d do anything to hear the call of the wild again…
    Hugs and tears over Kay and caramel icing. xxoo S

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 28, 2011 at 5:31 pm

      ~~Sweet, Susan,
      I missed a year. I don’t remember much of it thru the fog & tears…
      ….But I’m sitll here….still here.
      About the “Elephant Skin Cake”
      I saw that same cake on Network Food. (just kidding) How funny. I love a good giggle.
      PS> can’t wait to hear EVERYTHING about the Skirt converence. Have lots of wine & be naughty girls. xxxXX Love Love Love.

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    May 28, 2011 at 3:58 pm

    Your friend’s dream is quite interesting indeed! :O What do you think of it Kim? It sounds like you and Kay have touched many hearts in your commmunity-I know you have across the oceans with me. And white cake with caramel frosting sounds like a most delicious gift to give xxx

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 28, 2011 at 5:34 pm

      Lovely, Lorraine,
      I loved that dream. I loved it. When Tia told me, I felt shivers over my entire body…cuz I know exactly where K. is.
      PS. I bet you make the most awesomist Caramel Cake.
      PSS. did you watch season 4 of Dexter Yet?
      xxx Kisses form acoss oceans.

  • Reply
    Holly
    May 28, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    Your words are so beautiful, painful yet beautiful.

    Found you over on Lady Bloggers Tea Party..I believe I’ve been here before…your story touched me then when I was missing my sister for who she used to be (before drugs/alcohol)..your words reminded me not to give up on her.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 28, 2011 at 5:35 pm

      ~~~Holly,
      I remember you telling me about your sister.
      And I believe I said: “Just Love her. Love her. Love her”
      kiss from Duluth, MN xxx

  • Reply
    Theresa Sonoda
    May 28, 2011 at 10:01 pm

    So much to take in during this post. The emotion, the love. And the cake! I must try the recipe. If you love it, then it must be delicious. I’m just rambling on here. Gosh I love it that someone who reads your blogs flew in to support you. (and she’s gorgeous!). You just attract good people and love my friend. The days and nights are going to get better for you. You deserve a wonderful life and you will have it.
    XOXO’s

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      May 29, 2011 at 7:02 am

      Dear, Terri,
      So many emotions all mixed together like somebody who on the rim of CRAZY!
      Perhaps that is what is keeping me from going complety insane..
      The Love. The Baking. The Friends /Family. The Words. Always Words. God.
      And of course, My new friend, Terri, Whom Makes Me Laugh in spite of myself. :P) xxxxxx

  • Reply
    Alison@Mama Wants This
    May 29, 2011 at 1:48 am

    Kim, love, light and hugs your way. From my heart to yours.

    That caramel frosting? I wanna gobble it all right up 😉 Thank you for sharing.

    Love
    Alison
    xoxo

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      May 29, 2011 at 7:03 am

      Dear, Alison,
      The caramel frosting is “Out of this World.”
      I’ve already made about six cakes in two weeks!
      Hugs back to you. Kisses from MN. xx

  • Reply
    Mandy - The Complete Cook Book
    May 29, 2011 at 3:26 am

    Kim, as always a candid and heartfelt read, thank you.
    I will definitely be making your caramel frosting the next time I bake – hope it will be this week still. I will let you know who it turns out.
    🙂 Mandy

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      May 29, 2011 at 7:05 am

      Hi, Mandy,
      Let me know how the frosting turns out. Okay?
      I don’t think I’m making it thiick enough cuz I’m
      in too much of a hurry to get it on the cake!
      Love from Minnesota.
      XXX

  • Reply
    Tia
    May 29, 2011 at 9:58 am

    Love You!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Reply
    dad
    May 29, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    Kim, love your blogs, your cakes & love love love you. Wish you could have been with us this
    weekend, you would of had so much just getting away.
    It was great meeting with Dave & Archie, we had a good time talking & laughing.
    Love You So Much
    Daddy

  • Reply
    Lynne
    May 29, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    I just popped in from Ladybloggers. This was a such a bittersweet post Kim. I totally felt your pain and this must be a terrible pain to bare. Your writing is so addictive and I JUST had to keep reading and was so shocked by your sister’s death and I didn’t even know her. (((hugs))) to you and your family.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 29, 2011 at 5:26 pm

      Dear, Lynne,
      Thanks for stopping by.
      I live …One. Day. At. A. time.
      That’s all one can really do who has lost her soul -Mate.
      Love Love love. xxX

  • Reply
    Barbara S.
    May 29, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    Thanks for stopping by my blog so I could discover yours. I can’t imagine losing my sister and my heart goes out to you. What a beautiful tribute to her you’ve created here. This post is wonderful – a sweet mix of sorrow and hope.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 29, 2011 at 5:27 pm

      ~~Barbara,
      Yes, More Sorrow than Sweet I must confess…
      Thanks for popping in.
      xxXX

  • Reply
    brenda
    May 30, 2011 at 9:14 am

    I like how you weave the story, the past, the struggle, the love, the new growth and faith, and story of Kay and the carmel cake frosting into the future. Every time I read I feel like you are moving two steps forward. I know there is oft a step or two back, but I see a new woman in your words. Keep writing and let us know how Beryl likes the cake.

  • Reply
    kim sisto robinson
    May 30, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    ~~~Brenda,
    what a lovely way to descirbe this dark process of mourning.
    Lorve you words 🙂 xx

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