In Memory of Kay

A Hole In The World.


Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night—Edna St. Vincent Millay

~~ I’ve been told lately that I’ve been a bit negative during the past 11 months.

A bit dreary, dark, dim.

A bit “ just stick your head in the oven Sylvia Plathish.”

A bit snotty & snarky.

A bitch—if you want the whole truth & nothing

 but the truth.

I’ve even received an email recently by a stranger who stated:

Don’t let negativity and hate take any more of you.”

Okay, let me get this strait right off the bat, people—

   I DO NOT FEEL HATE.

This is a word I rarely use.   (except about my life now)

This is an emotion I do not grasp onto  (except about my life now)

My body does not have space for it.  My mind will bear it.

Have I forgiven the murderer?

Why are you troubled about that?

How does one forgive something that was nothing?

How does one forgive nothingness, purposelessness, soullessness?

I am sorry for the murderer…..sorry that he never loved, contributed,  smiled, or found sunlight.

Yes, I’m fucking sorry sorry sorry.

His Hell is his absence from my sister.

No more stalking, harassing, begging, or venomous language…

No more insidious sneaking around corners, cervices, or standing behind my sister’s back.

No more calculating manipulation or empty words.

      NO MORE.  NO MORE.

It is finished.

He is gone.

But he took the greatest love of my life with him.

part of my soul

part of my roots

part of my sun.

I would ask you to please allow me a little negativity at this time.

I damn well  deserve it.

My sister was Murdered by Mike Peterson on May 26, 2010.  The Universe Darkened.  The Sun slept.  My heart shattered.

~Read More About Kay Here:    In Memory of Kay

~~~For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

click here NOW : http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/

~~~~~Pre-Register Here for Kay’s Walk For Domestic Violence on Sunday–May 22, 2011: http://www.theduluthmodel.org/events.php

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40 Comments

  • Reply
    Kathleen
    May 14, 2011 at 10:50 am

    The first year is known for being the worst and it culminates on the first anniversary. The world will never be the same, but gradually we learn to find our place again. Vent, I personally think venting here is a good thing. Your shattered heart will actually be larger when you put it back together again, the places where it healed will be enlarged a bit, the scars will make it stronger. I hope your world makes sense again eventually, I think it will.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 14, 2011 at 11:43 am

      ~~Kathleen,
      Thank you for reading.
      I hope the world will make sense one day, too.
      The wound is still wide open.
      xxx

  • Reply
    Alina
    May 14, 2011 at 10:54 am

    Life sucks sometimes doesn’t it? I don’t think you are any of those words. I like that you still can laugh, even at the expense of me teasing your son. I see those small details.

    See you Soon! Did you see in the paper on the 12th? It’s about the walk, and how they changed the name in honor of Kay. I found it on duluthewstribune.com.

    Love,
    Alina

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 14, 2011 at 11:44 am

      You mean you don’t think I’m a bitch? HA HA
      You make me laugh, ALina.
      thank you for that 🙂
      Have fun with Andy. NO Drinking & driving, Please.
      xxxXX

  • Reply
    Amy
    May 14, 2011 at 11:39 am

    People are like assholes. . .they all have opinions. (Yes. . .yes. I know the saying is that OPINIONS are like assholes, in that everyone has them, but I like my way much, much better.) I’m sure these people mean well by doing what they think is right. I’m sure that these people think they are serving you for the better in that they are trying to point you back to the path of positive thinking. Let’s forgive them for their ignorance. I doubt seriously that any of them have gone through exactly what you’ve gone through. And if they have, then they have most CERTAINLY forgotten what it was like in the first ten years after the someone they’re missing was taken away from them. You are changed. Forever. You are angry. And while that anger eventually takes up less space over the course of the years, I’m here to tell you that a decade out, you can be sailing along just fine, and you can, say, catch the fragrance of a certain soap in the air, or see someone who will bring you to your knees because she looks so much like your loved one. . .and it brings you to your knees. The anger returns, white-hot, you remember and suffer for a while. . .and then it processes back into whatever mechanism you developed over the passing years in order to deal with this horror. Even people who have lost someone can NEVER know exactly how YOU, how YOU in this circumstance, feel. We only know our own experience and rare is the person that can step out of their own experience and view life from your vantage point. So, as eloquently as I can say this and as well-intentioned as they might be, f**k ’em, girl. This is your journey, not theirs. xoxox

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 14, 2011 at 11:46 am

      Sweet, Amy,
      have I told you lately that I love you?
      You always say the right words at the right time 🙂
      xxx Big Kiss from Minnesota for understanding my Bitchiness.

  • Reply
    Irene
    May 14, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    I don’t know, I think you have every right to be sad. Sorrowful. And angry. Angry that someone took your light away.

    It’s only been a year. Something is drastic and traumatic takes time to get over. You just don’t snap a finger and *poof* it’s done. You move on, but the ache is still present. We all heal in our own ways.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      May 14, 2011 at 1:09 pm

      Yep, Irene,
      This is all new to me…
      I am learning to live again in my incompleteness & lessness….
      I’m not quite sure how to do it yet.
      xxx Kisses to you.

  • Reply
    Amanda
    May 14, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    Don’t let people put a deadline on your grieving. Nobody can go through this personal loss but you, and grief has an ebb and flow. No matter how many years pass, grief changes but it always remains. The load just becomes slightly easy to carry, probably just because your strength is forced to grow.

    You celebrate her life too, and that’s important.

    What people need to cut you a break on is the fact that your sister died a senseless, sudden and violent death. There was no long term sickness, other than the mental state of her murder, and no preparation. How does ones mind truly begin to process that?

    Just make sure to remember how very much she’d want you to go on and have as happy a life as possible.

    Be gentle with yourself as this anniversary approaches. It will hurt. I’m so sorry.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 14, 2011 at 1:49 pm

      ~Amanda,
      Intellectually, I know what I should do…what Kay would want.
      But it doesn’t matter a damn.
      I’m sad sad sad.
      And I hurt hurt hurt.
      Thank you for you kind words xxXX

  • Reply
    Dad
    May 14, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    Kim, you can put your head on my shoulder and we can grieve together.We can cry, pray and
    ask God for peace and comfort.( It will come.) It’s to bad that someone who didn’t care about anyone
    but himself never gave anything back but misery.————-And took away someone who we loved
    so much.
    Love You More
    Dad

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      May 14, 2011 at 3:13 pm

      i love you more more more.
      isn’t it amazing how deep pain can reach?
      to the core of the soul…..
      xxXX
      PS. I made caramel cake today

  • Reply
    Theresa Sonoda
    May 14, 2011 at 3:18 pm

    Hi my lovely friend;
    No counselor here. No authority. No one here to put you down or judge. Or question. I’m just here to say hello and tell you that I am so happy to be getting to know you. Feel what you need to feel or, dammit, what you want to feel…..at this time. And write what you feel when you need to. I am here to read and show my love.
    Damned right you deserve to feel the way you feel.
    I’m listening.
    XOXO’s,
    Terri

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 14, 2011 at 5:44 pm

      ~~~My dear new Friend,
      Thank you for listening & reading & for your non-judgement.
      I think you are Fabulously fabulous. XXxx

  • Reply
    Adriana Iris
    May 14, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    now following you… read you before on skirt I too blog there every now and then… like reading you here much better.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 14, 2011 at 5:45 pm

      ~~Adriana,
      Just signed up for your blog…
      I loved it xx XX

  • Reply
    Barbara
    May 14, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    Kim – another post I love. I may be one of those that a few months ago that hinted (oh, pooh, definately said) I worried about you and your writing about Kay. But, here is the funny truth, three years out I am still learning how to deal with my loss, and, you know, sometimes it still sucks and sometimes life is great. Putting down my dog last week didn’t help, brought back memories of the “us”, the family I had, and now don’t. But I have my other five dogs and love them. Working on so many things. Truth is that hole is stil there, surrounded by nice things now. And while I am excited about all I am doing, I do miss having someone at home at night that cares. I LOVE your writing. There has been a change in some of your last posts, at least to me, that I think your words are helping me and I didn’t think I needed help. But I love this post and you go for it. Be negative, be happy, be sad, be a bitch. You write about it with such style I get it. And it gets me. Sometimes you don’t have to put on a happy face! Hugs, B

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 14, 2011 at 5:48 pm

      Oooo, Barbara,
      you are a girl after my heart.
      You know what? I think (KNOW) that God
      gave us pets to help us w/ mourning & lonliness.
      I find that I get great comfort just laying my head down
      upon my furry tabby and hearing him puuuuuuuuuurr and hummmmm.
      ~~ you R Fab! xxXX Kiss from Mn.

  • Reply
    Tara
    May 14, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    You MUST not know hate, otherwise you would’ve lamb basted all these people who said this to you. And one of these days, you just might! 🙂 I always say to never judge anyone until you’ve walked a day in their shoes. I cannot fathom the emotions you must be going through, Kim, and I certainly wouldn’t have the nerve to tell you how to “get over it.”

    Just stick to your family, friends, God, and writing. These are your support. You need no one or nothing else.

    I love you!
    Tara

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 14, 2011 at 10:34 pm

      Tara,
      I always look forward to what you have to say.
      I will NEVER get over this loss. Never.
      I am awaiting (impatiently) for God’s plan.
      …Nothing remains the same.
      luv to U from MN. xxXX

  • Reply
    Tia
    May 14, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    Love you!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 14, 2011 at 10:35 pm

      Thanks for shopping with me today.
      I might go back and get more scarves!
      Luv U MOre.

  • Reply
    LBDDiaries
    May 15, 2011 at 12:06 am

    I decided to pick you for my LBS Tea Party pick – so I cheated, big whoop!! I’m sneaking on here anyway to visit so i should be able to go anywhere I want to, right?

    About negativity – I believe it is truthfully called mourning. Grief. And you do temper all that anguish with some joy, fun, support, love, brightness, laughter, and heartfelt friendship – I know – you aim it at me. I am so grateful.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 15, 2011 at 6:58 am

      Dear LB,
      You naughty girl.
      I thought you were suppoised to be taking a break!
      i’m tell ALPHA on you . HA HA
      So glad you stopped by….cuz you are one of my all-time-Faves 🙂
      how the heck R U? XXxx

  • Reply
    Alison@Mama Wants This
    May 15, 2011 at 1:30 am

    Kim, you have every right to be whatever you feel the need to be in these difficult times. You’re dealing with the loss of your sister, your soul mate, your everything, how can you be anything but sad and grieving?

    And still, in that fog of pain, you still maintain a sense of humor (you shared that royal wedding spoof video) and for that, I applaud you.

    I know it’s going to be a tough, tough one with 26 May approaching. Know that many love you and think of you, always.

    Hugs,
    Alison

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 15, 2011 at 7:00 am

      ~~Hugs Back to you, Alison.
      your words are much Appreciated XXxx
      PS. the Royal Wedding was indeed a great distraction!

  • Reply
    Christina
    May 15, 2011 at 3:05 am

    I am sorry for the loss of your sister. No one should have to go through a relative being taken from this world like that. I think you have every right to feel the way you do. I know when I was blogging and people sent me some nasty comments for venting saying the same things I was being negative and some said even worse hurtful things to me. I guess there will always be people like that in this world. But, I realized it was something I had to go through at the time. I even wrote a blog about it last night. I wish you all the best.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 15, 2011 at 7:01 am

      ~~Most peope are FABULOUS!
      that’s the good part.
      I really don’t care what they think…
      cuz I’m so damn lonesome & sad, ya know?
      Thanks for stopping by Christina xxXX

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    May 15, 2011 at 4:32 am

    Kim I’m sorry that people have sent you these emails. I think you have every right to feel angry and feel negative. I can only suppose that they haven’t gone through the hell that you have. Still I wish they would think before emailing you or saying things to you x

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 15, 2011 at 7:04 am

      ~~~~Lorraine,
      I believe people do not understand other people’s pain…
      and believe me when i say, several people are VERY
      uncomfortable with mine…cuz I talk about KAY all the time. They
      want me how I once was.
      Have I told you lately that you are my All – Time – Unbelievable- Fab Blogger of the Universe? XXxx

  • Reply
    Mandy - The Complete Cook Book
    May 15, 2011 at 5:08 am

    I guess everybody wants to give you their pennies worth for whatever reason. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to read it. I honour you for sharing your feelings with everybody. We all deal with things differently and your are dealing with yours the way you need to. Kudos to you.
    🙂 Mandy

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 15, 2011 at 7:05 am

      ~~Mandy,
      if i worried about everybodys’ feelings, i’d never write.
      hugs to you for your support XXxx

  • Reply
    Lady Fi
    May 15, 2011 at 8:00 am

    You’re grieving… so of course you have every right to feel negative and hurt! It’s a necessary part of the healing process.

    Hugs.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      May 15, 2011 at 9:15 am

      Hugs back to you, Lady Fi.
      thank you so much for your superb photos 🙂

  • Reply
    Fremmie Simon
    May 15, 2011 at 10:01 am

    Very sad.

    Always nice reading your stories about your sister.

    Simon

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 15, 2011 at 10:28 am

      Simon,
      hope all is a bit better in Nairobi.
      Write and tell me how you are…how Mercy is.
      Yes, live can be VERY, very SAD.

  • Reply
    Renee Schuls-Jacobson
    May 15, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    Kim:

    I hope it wasn’t me who suggested you *needed* to do anything. Seems like you only *need* to whatever you need to do what gets you through the days right now. As someone earlier said, this is your journey.

    The friend I told you about (maybe he was the one suggesting forgiveness?),his father’s murderer is in jail. My friend has had a long time to process things and figure things out and he is all about forgiveness 11 years later. He was not singing this tune 10 years ago. Ten years ago, he was angry. Sad.

    People often wonder which would be worse: dying slowly or dying suddenly after getting hit by a car? I always ask, “Worse for whom?” Seems like even though a slow death would be terrible, everyone would, at least, have chance to say what they need to say. To visit. To show love. To have that last smile. That last touch. To be there at the end. You didn’t really get to do any of that. You had the terrible surprise.

    And anyway, I have always argued that being left behind is always the worst.

    In love.

    In life.

    You are the one who has to keep plodding along every day.

    If I may be so bold, it sounds like you had an amazingly close relationship with your sister.

    You were so blessed for that.

    I have a brother with whom I am not close. I read your blog and I feel guilty. We should be closer, why aren’t we closer, I should call him, why doesn’t he call me? when we talk, why don’t we have more to say? etc. You have more wonderful full memories of being with your sister than I will ever have of my brother.

    I wish I could bring her back for you, but I think that – through your writing – you are helping a lot of people through a lot of grief.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      May 15, 2011 at 2:10 pm

      No, It wasn’t you, Renee! DOn’t worry. And it wasn’t Robert !

      And Yes, Kay was a Gigantic part of who I was….and now
      i am trying to live without that segment, that beauty… of who I once was.

      She MADE me better 🙂

      And I now feel so much less….

      So.
      I am dealing with finding a new identity without my dear angel.

      Without wirting, I may have parished 11 months ago.

      XXx Kisses for you & your words.

      PS, go call your brother!

  • Reply
    Adriana Iris
    May 18, 2011 at 10:09 am

    life throws so many curve balls don’t it?! Thanks for the very sweet comment you left me. For I know we connect and understand that feeling of gone too soon. Life has many shades and in between black and white there is gray… we must travel through all colours to see the full spectrum. Keep up the good work.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 18, 2011 at 1:55 pm

      Adriana,
      “The Full Spectrum.”
      ~~~ Beautifully said.
      In the meantime, It HURTS LIKE HELL.
      xx Kisses for you and your stunning words.

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