In Memory of Kay

16 Things I’ve Learned After My Sister’s Murder


~~~i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)  –ee cummings
Kim Sisto RobinsonLove.  Always.  Forever.

1.     Life goes on

2.     Angels you least expect… rise from the ash

3.     The “Shadow of Death” is for the living

4.     Disregarding one who mourns is like rubbing salt in the wound

5.     One does NOT get better…One only learns to live with the pain

6.     People who declare, “I Understand.”   DON’T. So, keep your mouth shut.

7.     Darkness Exists & lived in Minnesota

8.     God is not silent ….. We are just not listening because we are mad PISSED as hell

9.     Mornings are the worst  insufferable

10.   Your vocabulary may change.  For instance:  fuck, son-of-a-bitch, and bastard may be incorporated

11.   A girl loses who she once was….She metamorphosises into something utterly new & different frightening

12.  You might assume you’re going Crazy …. You’re not.  But perhaps that would be a blessing

13.   What was once significant.   Isn’t.

14.    A mere human-being can cry for 11 months strait without disappearing

15.     The void will never be filled.  The world will never be as beautiful as it once was.  The sun will always shine differently.

16.  Life goes on

My sister was murdered on May 26, 2010 by Mike Peterson.   The universe weighs SO much less.  My life is SO much less.  So much less…

~Read More About Kay Here:    In Memory of Kay

~~~For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

click here NOW : http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/

~~~~~Pre-Register Here for Kay’s Walk For Domestic Violence on Sunday–May 22, 2011: http://www.theduluthmodel.org/events.php

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36 Comments

  • Reply
    Tina
    May 11, 2011 at 5:57 pm

    17)…..and people will still love and love and love…..and read and read and read….no matter how many f*cks, son-of-a-bitches and bastards leave your lips…….

  • Reply
    Karen
    May 11, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    I agree w/ #17.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      May 11, 2011 at 8:11 pm

      Interesting.
      i don’t get it, but i shall ponder. xx
      FORGET IT…i GET IT NOW.
      duh…!!!

  • Reply
    susan
    May 11, 2011 at 9:08 pm

    I know May 26 is looming… I have you and your family in my prayers. Wish there was something more, but I guess there is not. :___(
    xxoo S

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    May 12, 2011 at 2:12 am

    Your honesty and candidness is awe inspiring Kim. Keep strong xxx

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      May 12, 2011 at 5:34 am

      Dear, L.
      I wish I were Strong…
      but I am weak weak weak.
      xxx kisses blown to Austrailia.

      • Reply
        Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
        May 14, 2011 at 6:07 am

        Kim darling you are not weak at all. You are much stronger than you will ever know and you are helping others xxx

  • Reply
    Tara
    May 12, 2011 at 3:44 am

    Wow, #3 is something else: “The ‘Shadow of Death’ is for the living.” Isn’t that the truth? People we love die and move on to their glory, but WE’RE the ones left in pain. This “world-wearied flesh” (as Romeo put it to Juliet) is what keeps us in that pain, and we won’t know full peace until we’re released from it.

    “Before you were in the womb, I knew you” (Jeremiah 1:5). God made you for Himself, Kim. The people, places and things of your life helped shape the woman you are today, but they all came from Him. And this suffering is shaping you too – more than anything else, I would imagine. As I said before, you’re like pure gold in the fire. You might not be able to feel the changes you’re undergoing – or if you do, you feel miserable – but trust me when I say He’s molding you into something stronger, better, and more beautiful than ever before.

    Only thing is you will exit the fire when HE wants you to, not the other way around. Sorry kiddo, but that’s just how it works. Just please be patient with Him, with your pain, and know the day will come.

    Until it does, stick close to those angels you spoke of in #2. It took me awhile to learn how to find God in this God-forsaken world, and the number one place I’ve done so is through other people. He uses His children to speak to His children, to love them.

    When I was in college, I worked at a tanning bed. It was probably my second day at the place, and the owners put me to work by myself, all alone. I wasn’t very comfortable with the register, though, so I asked God to please help me at work. Long story short, a customer had some crazy transaction that I couldn’t figure out, and I silently asked God to help me. No sooner had I finished my prayer did the customer practically hand-deliver a solution: “Oh, just hit this key and press escape…” She knew nothing of our computer system, but it was like she freeking worked there for years!

    And that’s when I realized it wasn’t HER helping me…it was God helping me THROUGH her.

    Anyways, I’m rambling (you know how I do). I just want to say this list is very profound, and it speaks volumes to what you’re going through, how you’re changing. Just continue to be with your pain, and take each day – each breath – one at a time. I’m thinking of and praying for you and yours.

    Love,
    Tara

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      May 12, 2011 at 5:41 am

      `pure gold in the fire
      `His children to speak to His children
      `will not find full peace until we’re released from it
      My dear, Tara,
      I believe all of this. Yes. I do.
      But I am still on my knees, still crying, still trying to find purpose without Kay.
      Love you, my wise Angel.
      xx

    • Reply
      ALINA
      May 12, 2011 at 6:46 am

      wise words. I love this…

  • Reply
    Alison@Mama Wants This
    May 12, 2011 at 4:55 am

    Thinking of you, always. *hugs* xoxo

  • Reply
    Irene
    May 12, 2011 at 6:46 am

    Always remember #1 and #16.
    #6 is just people trying to help. Don’t get too upset with them.
    #10, #11, and #13 are expected because it was a life altering experience. Potty mouths are ok. 🙂
    #15 was appropriately followed by #16 and falls under #10, #11 and #13.
    #14 is amazing isn’t it?
    Again, always remember #1 and #16.

    (((hugs)))

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      May 13, 2011 at 5:54 am

      Hugs Back, Irene…
      Yeah, sometimes #1 & #16 Piss me off.
      xx XX Kiss to you from MN>

  • Reply
    Lady Fi
    May 12, 2011 at 6:48 am

    Life goes on.. in spite of our wishes that it wouldn’t, and we too go on with heavy heart… But one day – one day the healing will start.

    Until then – hugs!

  • Reply
    michele
    May 12, 2011 at 7:41 am

    Dear Kim,
    I want to thank you for your blog site. You have helped me to be strong and find my innner voice against abuse(emotional), that my estranged (strange) husband continues to dish out to me. I realize the importance of being back in Minnesota where I have family and support. Here in California, my son and I have no one except a controlling husband. My son and I live with him for economic reasons, but it’s a loveless place with plenty of stress. Thank you. I hope to be back this summer if all goes well. Keep up your writing. You are a wonderful person.
    Michele

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 12, 2011 at 8:27 pm

      Dear, Michele,
      I hope you are not going to stay with your husband.
      Economic reasons are NOT a reason to stay….this
      is one of the reasons Kay stayed for so many years…
      and she also felt STUPID & not capable of leaving her
      verbally & finantially abusive husband.
      When she decided to leave … It was too late. He killed her.
      Get help…there are many places where loving people can
      show you what to do. Can help you find your identity again.
      I have lots of info on my site.
      Don’t stay ONE MORE DAY.
      love love love.
      \Kim

  • Reply
    Theresa Sonoda
    May 12, 2011 at 9:25 am

    Kim………sending HUGS over to you, my new friend. What a wonderful, special lady you are. Of course I don’t understand, but I can listen and I can be your friend. I’m pretty good at both. You and I have connected on the bloggy level, and I’m so happy for that. It’s just strange how one develops real feelings for people on here. My heart hurts when I read your sadness. I am proud of the way your honor your sister. Sending much love your way. Take care of you!
    xoxo’s
    T

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      May 12, 2011 at 10:42 am

      Terri,
      I never realized a heart could hurt so damn much.
      When my sister was first murdered … i remember walking
      around in fog saying…’My Heart Hurts. My Heart Hurts.”
      PS. I loved meeting all of my new blogging writer buddies.
      I love women. I love the stories they tell. We related. Identify.
      Love love love them….their nurturing ways.
      And you are sooooooooooooo special & a great distraction from my mourning.
      Have fun this weekend with your family !!!!!

  • Reply
    Tia
    May 12, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    Love you!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Reply
    Mandy - The Complete Cook Book
    May 12, 2011 at 8:39 pm

    You are very brave and an inspiration.
    🙂 Mandy

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      May 12, 2011 at 10:03 pm

      Brave?
      I don’t feel brave….I feel so utterly human & weak.
      but…..I thank you, Mandy, for those kind words. XXxx

  • Reply
    Renee Schuls-Jacobson
    May 13, 2011 at 5:55 am

    Dear Kim:

    Thank you for your kind words on my blog. I did not know who you were until I clicked over here. I am so sorry for your loss. I know someone whose father was murdered when he was younger. It has changed his entire life, but somehow he has managed to harness his anger and transform it into something amazing for his own children. I will send him here.

    Like you, he will never forget the horror that such violence leaves in its wake – but he has managed to become less stuck. Of course, he has had many years to figure things out. For you, this is more fresh. The wound, still open.

    I hope that you find that less stuck place. And when you land there, may you flower.

    Also, if you don’t mind me asking: what would have helped you the most after you learned your sister had been killed? Or even today? What do you wish people would say? Or do? Is there anything that offers comfort? I ask with a sincere heart because I think people suffer all losses, but when someone is taken by violence, it is difficult to find words. I might just sit at your feet, lean against your legs, and touch your shoes. And wait for you to talk.

    You will be in my thoughts today.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 13, 2011 at 6:27 am

      ~~” I might just sit at your feet, lean against your legs, and touch your shoes. And wait for you to talk.”
      Perfect. This is what my friend, Tia does. Absolutely Perfect.
      Most people do not understand- but say they do….Most people say “It will Get Better” That is offensive–because without my sister; it will NEVER be better.
      Quite seriously, several people have said the right things, too…
      such as, “Take your time. We will be waiting. We Love you.”
      Perfect.
      Thanks, Renee…I’ve been enjoying your Teacher Blog :).

  • Reply
    Renee Schuls-Jacobson
    May 13, 2011 at 6:49 am

    Dear Kim:

    Thanks for your kind words. Reassuring to know I am not doing the wrong things.

    I am sending Rob your way. Check out this link to an article written about him. Sometimes people connect at the right time. See what you think of this. I gotta tell ya, I’m more of an eye-for-an-eye kind of girl, but Rob blows my mind. <3

    http://www.sportsnet.ca/football/cfl/2010/12/21/lefko_drummond/

  • Reply
    Dad
    May 13, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    Kim—————— Gods ways arn’t our ways, his thoughts arn’t our thoughts, and our timing
    certinly isn’t his timing, even tho we wish it was.
    Tara’s words are enlighting. Reading her comments also help me.
    You are right the (THE SHADOW OF DEATH) is for the living.
    Love You
    Daddy

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 13, 2011 at 1:34 pm

      Yes, Daddy,
      I never knew what “That Shadow” truly meant before now.
      I don’t LIKE IT! I hate it! I despise it.
      I want things how they were…
      and they will NEVER be the same.
      I love you more than the entire WORLD. xx

  • Reply
    Robert
    May 13, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    I am so sorry you have to go through this act of surviving because of the evil of another, I also lost a loved one to the hands of another person years ago and let me tell you the pain will never go away but you have to learn to use it to be good to others or it will consume you. The anger i have for the murder of my father is still like it happened yesterday but i can never let that evil inside me out so my alternative is goodness. I know what you feel inside, i live it everyday but trust me it will take time for life to seem even normal again. One day at a time is all you can do at this point so just try it. it’s been 13 years for me and i still struggle everyday but my fahter would want me to go on and raise my children to be proud young men and lead by example. Try writing what comes to mind when you are alone dont think just write and you will be surprised how much makes sense to you. I hope someday you can find forgivness in your heart because that will be key in your own personal healing.

    Take care andlive life from your soul.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 13, 2011 at 6:22 pm

      Dear Robert,
      I read about your inspiring story.
      ~`it’s been 11 months for me since my sister’s murder…
      very raw…fresh.
      it is hard to believe that i will ever be able to live without her.
      It seems unbearable to think about.
      i feel not hate…only sad sad sad.
      love love love.
      Kim

  • Reply
    Wild CHild Mama
    May 14, 2011 at 9:43 am

    I have not experienced a loss like yours but somehow every one of those lessons I can relate to. I don’t understand! Don’t get me wrong:)) But you are saying things that are HARD to say because society doesn’t liek it or because they are things that get buried. But you are saying it. And it feels like my heart is speaking up when I read what you wrote. Life is fucking hard (There’s that word I like to use now). Mornings are tough. I had a professor in college that used to say, “It doesn’t get easier, but you get better at it.” He was talking about Math. Or was he? It is my mantra now.
    Peace peace peace to you! And thank you for speaking your heart and soul and mind.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 14, 2011 at 9:55 am

      Dear, Wild mama,
      Life was pretty easy before Kay’s death.
      In fact, I was HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY.
      And I’m trying to figure out how to live not having that full joy.
      I love what your Math teacher said.
      I am trying to get better at living without Kay.
      I don’t know if I can.
      xxx Kisses for you and your words.

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