In Memory of Kay

Losing My Religion


 No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear–C. S.  LEWIS

Kay Marie; my best friend & soul-mate.

~It’s been 11 months and 7 days since Mike Peterson placed a gun behind my sister’s head and squeezed the trigger three times.

11 months and 7 days since I died, too.

I mean, who am I without the greatest love of my life…

Without that part of me…

Without my childhood, my  roots, my veins, my  blood, my  soul?

It was a ordinary day.   The May sun was soaking my skin.

I was mowing the lawn.

I was listening to Pillars of the Earth on my IPod.   (is that why I didn’t heart the  bang  bang   bang?)

I was whole.

I was complete.

But….

…Mourning forces one to  transform.

Seek.

Question.

Alter perspective.

And fall to her fucking knees.

It forces one to cry out to God asking  WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

 

Where the hell are you?     Where the hell are you?

It makes one desire to isolate, separate, disassociate like Dickenson or Bronte.

Or hide from acquaintances at the grocery store.

Or become angry with someone who declares:  “You know, things have always been great in our family!”

Mourning causes one to change her doctor,  her job,  her activities, her church, her way of thinking.

Because she can not NEVER be who she once was.

  Never. 

She can’t even pray in  the same way….

Because she ponders what her blessing are…what her purpose is…why her God left her alone without her sister.

She goes to bed early.

She recites the 23rd Psalm over and over and over….

       “Bring me still waters.   Let me lie down in green pastures.  Restore my soul.”

And she waits…

My sister was murdered on May 26, 2010 by Mike Peterson.  The world stopped. The clocks stopped.  Our lives changed forever.

~Read More About Kay Here:    In Memory of Kay

~~~For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

click here NOW : http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/

~~~~~Pre-Register Here for Kay’s Walk For Domestic Violence on Sunday–May 22, 2011:   http://www.theduluthmodel.org/events.php

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28 Comments

  • Reply
    Teri Fagan Michalski
    May 2, 2011 at 4:47 pm

    KIm, Kim, Kim,

    I haven’t written because I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to write. I’m not even sure what I’m going to write would be of any help. I do think of you and your family ALL the time. I feel so bad that my own personal life interrupted me going to the funeral., I feel so bad… My grams passed , my mother inlaw and Kay all with in a week. apart…. so I asked my sister Kim to buy roses and a plague to be put down by the pathway by your mom and Dad’s house…..in Kay’s memory……. I use to tell people I have a friend back home that we didn’t even have to say anything but just look at each other and would crack up laughing….really at nothing! I still do but in a different way….. Now I talk about my old friend that was murdered by her husband of 30 years!!!!!!……I am a supporter of the Sarah’s House out here in Maryland. It focus is on people who have been abused and hurt by the ones they thought loved them. I am also on the committee to help raise money and awareness for people who don’t know or understand>>>>>>ABUSE<<<<<>>>>>>hmmmmmm. The other … I KNOW…. she slammed the door on my finger and locked it!!!!!!!! So being said….. I do miss you and your wonderful family……Give them a hug from me…. I hope someday we can chat………Love ya!

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      May 2, 2011 at 7:39 pm

      ~~~Teri,
      Nobody can really say anything that helps…
      One just needs to go thru the pain…the reality of it all.
      Thanks for leaving a comment…..i know that Kay thought you were hilareous.
      xxx

  • Reply
    Tia
    May 2, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    I Lov e You:)
    Tia

  • Reply
    Lady Fi
    May 2, 2011 at 8:38 pm

    There’s not much I can say, but so sorry for your loss.

  • Reply
    Mandy - The Complete Cook Book
    May 2, 2011 at 10:19 pm

    I cannot begin to imagine what you have suffered the past 11 months! I am terribly sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved sister.
    It is very honourable that you were able to share this, thank you.
    🙂 Mandy

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      May 3, 2011 at 5:31 am

      Mandy,
      ~~One cannot begin to imagine until one has gone thru the darkness.
      Thanx for reading. Loved your site 🙂 x

      • Reply
        Mandy - The Complete Cook Book
        May 4, 2011 at 11:20 pm

        Thanks so much Kim. I did not receive notification of your reply. I popped over here from your post today and saw that you had replied to my comment. xo

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    May 3, 2011 at 2:48 am

    My heart breaks for you Kim. She clearly was taken from the world too early by an absolute monster 🙁 xxx

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      May 3, 2011 at 5:32 am

      ~~Lorraine,
      my life consists of mourning & distractions.
      Thanks for being part of my distraction! 🙂 xxx

  • Reply
    Tara
    May 3, 2011 at 4:09 am

    Kim,

    I read your title, and the first thing that came to mind is the question: are you losing your religion, or losing your faith? Cause those are two different things, my love. A great song, but two different things.

    You and your family suffered an unimaginable loss – a blow. I can’t wrap my mind around how you all must feel, and selfishly, I hope I never have to. It’s only been one year since that gun was fired; your wounds are still fresh. So it’s natural for you to feel a smorgasbord of emotions, sometimes simultaneously, and always somber.

    It would be nice if God could just swoop down, sound His voice, and take all this pain away. But He doesn’t work like that (I know… I’ve tried). Suffering, unfortunately, is the quickest path towards a deeper relationship with Him. Can you think of any other time in your life when you’ve sought Him out more? I’m willing to bet you can’t. Like pure gold in the fire, it tries us and makes us stronger and better. While in the fire, you’re so consumed by the flames, it’s as though you can’t feel a thing. Once you’re out of it, however, you can tell the difference.

    In his book, “A Grief Observed,” C.S. Lewis wrote about the death of his wife, and he mentioned this very topic of your post…not being able to find God. He said at first, he was like a drowning man clinging to and groping at his Rescuer so much, that his Rescuer had to back off, or else risk being pulled underwater Himself. That’s not to say that God can be overcome (or drowned, for that matter), but when Lewis finally just relaxed – allowed himself to BE with his suffering – that’s when he felt God’s presence.

    It was as though God said, “Okay, are you gonna let me help you now?”

    And that’s what I think you should do, honey. Just BE. Nurse your suffering, which (for some reason you will know of later) was handed to you by God. I know you don’t want it, and I don’t want it for you, but unfortunately, it’s part of your life now. And if you’re mad at God because of it, that’s perfectly natural. Just tell Him so. Our relationship with Him is not that much different from our human relationships – it has ups and downs, and right now, you have a bone to pick with Him.

    Whatever you do, please don’t lose faith.

    I know you’re desperate for an answer from Him, but we can’t force God. He’s very stubborn and does what He wants. It’s that whole “omnipotence thing,” I guess. Fortunately for us, His omnipotence is fueled by love. His love is like the sun, in that it constantly gives to the earth without requiring anything in return. God is sufficient unto Himself; He doesn’t want for or need anything, but He did create us for one reason, and that’s because He desired a relationship with us. And since there’s little – if anything – we can give Him in return, all He asks from us is our miseries. Like the sun, He is an infinite source of warmth and light begging to be spent.

    When you love someone, you WANT to give to them, right? Same goes for Him.

    If you don’t have the energy or desire to pray, then just be. Allow your life – everything from your breathing to your suffering – to become your prayer to Him. So long as you continue to bless His name in the midst of your trials, you will be most pleasing to Him. And I promise He will pull your out from under water.

    Love you, lady!

    Tara

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      May 3, 2011 at 5:36 am

      Oh, my dear, Tara,
      I wish you lived closer 🙂
      I continually savor you wisdom & love for God.
      YES. I did not put FAITH for a reason.
      You are very smart.
      I’ve always loved God.
      I just do not like Him right now.
      XXXxx You are one of my angels.
      PS. my dad is reading the book you sent.

      • Reply
        Tara
        May 3, 2011 at 11:40 am

        Love you too, Kim.

        I think that’s what Christ meant when He said, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” He doesn’t need anything from us…we need everything from Him. And all we can give Him is our suffering…our need of Him. That’s what pleases Him most.

        Love you the mostest!

        Tara

        • Reply
          Kim Sisto-Robinson
          May 3, 2011 at 2:12 pm

          ~~~Tara,
          I will go to Him when I’m ready….perhaps a little at a time.
          I just want NEED to know his purpose for me in the world without Kay.
          love love love. xx

          • Tara
            May 3, 2011 at 2:50 pm

            Sounds like a plan to me! Love you…

            Tara

  • Reply
    Betty
    May 3, 2011 at 4:21 am

    What Tara said is perfect. I just wanted to send you ((hugs))!

    Thanks for your comment on my blog and hope to see you there more often.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 3, 2011 at 5:41 am

      Betty,
      Thanks for visting.
      Yes, Tara is an angel 🙂
      xxx

  • Reply
    Blond Duck
    May 3, 2011 at 4:42 am

    I’m hosting a writing contest, and I’d love for you to enter something about your sister. Your words always inspire me.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      May 3, 2011 at 5:37 am

      Duckie,
      I’ll check that out.
      btw, your blog is a nice distraction from my grief.
      thanks. xxx

  • Reply
    Dad
    May 3, 2011 at 6:47 am

    Kim, I love you—————- I love to read Tara’s comments’ God gave her lots of wisdom.
    Love You
    Dad

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 3, 2011 at 9:26 am

      ~Dad,
      i don’t know what i’d do without you…..
      i really don’t.
      i love you more than the WHOLE WORLD 🙂

  • Reply
    Sam Viars
    May 3, 2011 at 11:18 am

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  • Reply
    Blond Duck
    May 4, 2011 at 4:04 am

    I’m so glad you’ll enter! 🙂

  • Reply
    Brenda
    May 5, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    As ever, big hugs and strength via the internet from San Francisco..

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 5, 2011 at 8:31 pm

      I feel the hug, Brenda 🙂 xx

  • Reply
    Barbara @ Barbara Bakes
    May 6, 2011 at 7:17 am

    I lost my Mom last year and didn’t realize how difficult it would be and I had 81 years with her. I can’t imagine your pain.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      May 6, 2011 at 9:24 am

      ~~~Dear, Barbara,
      I believe that mourning must last forever…. Don’t you? You will ALWAYS miss your sweet Mom…..My sister was the love of my life, my soul-mate, & my best friend.
      I still don’t know how the hell i’m getting up each morning…
      but I am.
      I have to.
      love to you. xx

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