No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear–C. S. LEWIS
~It’s been 11 months and 7 days since Mike Peterson placed a gun behind my sister’s head and squeezed the trigger three times.
11 months and 7 days since I died, too.
I mean, who am I without the greatest love of my life…
Without that part of me…
Without my childhood, my roots, my veins, my blood, my soul?
It was a ordinary day. The May sun was soaking my skin.
I was mowing the lawn.
I was listening to Pillars of the Earth on my IPod. (is that why I didn’t heart the bang bang bang?)
I was whole.
I was complete.
…Mourning forces one to transform.
And fall to her fucking knees.
It forces one to cry out to God asking WHY
WHY WHY WHY WHY
Where the hell are you? Where the hell are you?
It makes one desire to isolate, separate, disassociate like Dickenson or Bronte.
Or hide from acquaintances at the grocery store.
Or become angry with someone who declares: “You know, things have always been great in our family!”
Mourning causes one to change her doctor, her job, her activities, her church, her way of thinking.
Because she can
not NEVER be who she once was.
She can’t even pray in the same way….
Because she ponders what her blessing are…what her purpose is…why her God left her alone without her sister.
She goes to bed early.
She recites the 23rd Psalm over and over and over….
“Bring me still waters. Let me lie down in green pastures. Restore my soul.”
And she waits…
My sister was murdered on May 26, 2010 by Mike Peterson. The world stopped. The clocks stopped. Our lives changed forever.
~Read More About Kay Here: In Memory of Kay
~~~For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.
click here NOW : http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/
~~~~~Pre-Register Here for Kay’s Walk For Domestic Violence on Sunday–May 22, 2011: http://www.theduluthmodel.org/events.php