In Memory of Kay

Like a Resurrection


~~Our Lord has written the promise of resurrection, not in books alone, but in every leaf in springtime.—Martin Luther

DAY ONE: Spring Break.

I like being home.   I’m protected here.  My family understands me here.

…..Understands my insanity…my silence….my outbursts.

I can cry whenever I wish.  I can cry a fucking river if I wish.

I can fall to my knees and shake my fist at my God in the middle of the afternoon.

After that I can  bake a big fat chocolaty chocolate cake.

 

 DAY TWO: It’s been 10 months & 3 weeks since Kay’s execution.

It’s been a split second.

A blink of an eye.

It’s been an infinity.

Time dragging his fingers thru sludge.

It’s been a transformation of darkness & light….
a renovation of salt and sorrow

It’s been lonely.  So damn lonely.

It’s been shadows upon shadows

It’s been reinventing new identities.

How can I be lonely surrounded by the people who love me?

Perhaps because one of  the people who loved me the most is absent.

Here.

Then gone.

DAY THREE: Went to the Mall today  for something.   nothing.

As I walked thru isles skimming silky summer dresses, strappy sandals, and tank tops, I thought about how much Kay & I loved shopping together…

All Day Long.

Smelling expensive perfumes.   Sampling pink & cherry lipsticks.   Splitting the appetizer platter at Applebee’s.

Yelling from one corner of the store to another:

“Kay!  Come feel this shirt.  Oh, you’d look so good in this.  Feel the texture.  Don’t you just love it? ”

She’d rub the material against her face

I walk past Barnes & Noble.  Our sister dates always began there….

Oh, god, I wish I could call you, Kay.

I spend a lot of time wishing.

DAY FOUR: Saw the “creepy guy” at the Post Office today.

My heart pumped—pumped faster.

I couldn’t just walk out of the post office…couldn’t let him intimidate me…couldn’t allow him to dictate if I should mail my letters or not.

The creep assumes I owe him an apology.  Said I’m the rudest person he knows.   Doesn’t understand why I ignore him, why I wont tell him about Kay.

I held my cell phone up as if I were calling the police…calling for help…whatever.

I felt his eyes penetrating hot thru my skin.

Everyone loved Kay.

The misfits & creeps of the world sought her out.

But the coldest creep of all  killed her.

DAY FIVE: I’ve decided that the “still waters” are what keeps one alive after
great tragedy.

The distractions.   The interruptions.  The intermissions of everyday life.

Sun kissing skin unexpectedly. Poetry.  Words. Books. Baking chocolate chip cookies. Family dinners.  The movement of vacuuming, washing clothes, cleaning closets.

In between …..is the sadness, sobbing, lamenting, sorrow

In between is the reality of what truly happened.

Then the sun sleeps.

Then  I sleep.

….Without dreaming.

DAY SIX: I wonder what God has planned.

I mean,  how can time go on as it has before?   Be the same as it was before?

Wake up.   Get ready.  Pour coffee.  Smear on makeup.  Leave for work.

Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh:::::::::::::::::Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

DAY SEVEN: Snowed today.

What ever happed to April showers?

But unbelievably, fantastically,  the tulips are still flourishing in my front garden.

I can see their blood-red heads popping thru…..even though they are covered with fluffy white powder. 

Nothing stops them.

Nothing.

Today I  saw the first Robin sitting on the yellow lawn like a big fat Buddha.

They all come back to me.

They all come back

Every leaf, every tulip, every bird

…….Like a resurrection

~My sister, Kay, was murdered by Mike Peterson on May 26, 2010….The World Darkened…Nothing remains the same…except LOVE & GOD.   always forever.

~Read more about Kay Here:     In Memory of Kay

~For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

click here NOW >http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/

Pre-Register for Kay Marie Sisto’s Walk  for Domestic Violence Here:      http://www.theduluthmodel.org/events.php

pink lips xxxxxx


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23 Comments

  • Reply
    Brenda
    April 21, 2011 at 9:05 am

    And there is hope in your heart, as there is Spring in the air. You know Kay is watching you and is saying to herself, that Kim is too good to me, but I love her all the more for it, but she is also saying, Kim get out there and shake up the world, make some music, dance for me, and make a difference.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      April 21, 2011 at 9:28 am

      “Shake up the world”
      I like that….
      Yes, I hope I can make a difference, Brenda…
      as soon as I stop sobbing….

      xxx Kiss to you

  • Reply
    Mercy
    April 21, 2011 at 10:12 am

    luv you so very much…

  • Reply
    Mercy
    April 21, 2011 at 10:52 am

    errm, that is a very tricky and difficult question.
    Lets just say, love you more that a CAT!

  • Reply
    Joan
    April 21, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    The tulip photo is beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      April 21, 2011 at 1:27 pm

      Yes, Joan,
      rising up…rising up
      again. In the midst of everything..
      xxx

  • Reply
    Dad
    April 21, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    Kim—————— I love you more than the tulips blooming.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      April 21, 2011 at 1:28 pm

      Dad,
      and I love you more than a MILLION Trillion Tulips & Chocolate Bars.

      You’ll Never know how much xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Reply
    Tara
    April 21, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    Dear Kim,

    Those pictures are beautiful. It’s kinda neat seeing life and death combine like that. Hot pink tulips galore!

    You said you wonder what God has planned next? I wish I had the answer, but truth is, only He knows. People are always talking about “trusting God.” I think it takes something like what happened with Kay to really test how well we can do that.

    God’s been good to me, so far. He’s spoiled me, to be honest. No one near and dear to me has died (or worse, been murdered); I’ve always got food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and a roof over my head. And it’s easy to praise Him when life’s good. I’m waiting for the day, however, when He puts my faith and love for Him to the test. I know it’s only a matter of time before suffering truly enters my life.

    I’m not saying He’s testing you. I’m simply saying I don’t know. Only He knows what He’s up to, and all He asks of us is to trust in His love for us. Kay loved Him, and because she loved Him, she’s in her glory.

    Tomorrow is Good Friday. So many people get on Christians for focusing on the Crucifixion. They think we get off on the blood and gore, but it’s so much more than that. For me, the torture Christ underwent is an outward, physical sign of the extent of His love for us. That someone would undergo such torment for another person means a lot. It means He loves us passionately and beyond measurement, so whatever you’re feeling, just remember that.

    He loves you…and so do I!

    Happy Easter, lady!

    Tara

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      April 21, 2011 at 1:31 pm

      My Dear Tara,
      The Resurrection is what has kept me somewhat sane…
      I will be with Kay. We will be together again.
      This….Now this…. is something to look forward to.
      As far as God’s Plan…
      I hope to goodness HE tells Me Soon….
      cuz I’m veeeeeeeeeery Impatient.
      love to U. Love to your words.
      Love to your compassion. Just LOVE….

  • Reply
    Dawn@LightenUp!
    April 21, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    What a lovely tribute! There will be peace. Somehow. Bless your heart.

  • Reply
    kim sisto robinson
    April 21, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    Yes, Peace…
    ~~this is my prayer.
    Thanks, Dawn xx

  • Reply
    bluecottonmemory
    April 21, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    When my father in law died suddenly from cancer, I felt those still waters – like everything stops except your heart beat – and almost that, too. This is such a poignant, beautiful tribute to resurrection – to rebirth. I am so sorry you had to experience it with the loss of your sister, in the way she was lost.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      April 21, 2011 at 3:26 pm

      Oh, I am so sorry, too…cuz
      I miss her sooooooooo very much.
      A Great Void that will NEVER be filled or matched.
      I just thank God we will meet again….Yes,
      that will be a glorious day.
      Thanks for stopping by, Blue… xx

  • Reply
    debbie
    April 21, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    Kim,

    A blessed time is Easter. My favorite of all christian holidays. So much Hope, Love,& Peace.
    I pray you soon at least have some of those things in your beautiful heart.

    Love Forever,
    Debbie
    XXXOOO

  • Reply
    Tia
    April 22, 2011 at 6:45 am

    Love You:)

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      April 22, 2011 at 7:39 am

      ~~Not more than I love you 🙂
      We make a good team. don’t we?xx

  • Reply
    Susan in the Boonies
    April 22, 2011 at 11:24 am

    I found you because you stopped by my blog today: thanks for that, Kim.

    I’m so very, very sorry for your loss, which you express with such beautifully painful clarity.

    Sending up a prayer for you today, as you walk this lonely path, that you might ultimately experience the resurrection your heart longs for.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      April 22, 2011 at 2:18 pm

      ~~Such beautiful words, Susan.
      “The resurrection your heart longs for.”
      I love that. xx

  • Reply
    Cheryl`Lewis
    April 25, 2011 at 6:02 am

    Kim, it has been two years since my sister’s son died violently. Last night, I helped her write a letter to her employer, explaining why she doesn’t want to be one of the teachers transferred to another school. How, even after two years, it is more than she can bear to imagine explaining her life – and son’s death – to a new set of co-workers who would wish to know her. That, though she loves students, she is barely hanging on each day and counts on normalcy and friendships held dear to bring her courage for one more breath. She is my best friend and even I did not know she felt some of that. No one can know but you, my precious Kim, what gives strength to your next step. My continuous prayer is that God will fuel you, one more moment, and another, again. My prayers are ahead and behind, no matter where you are eating, sleeping and, thank our holy God, breathing. I pray for every breath that you take – and that you and those you love and those I love will continue to chose another and another. Do you feel that soft air that lifts you from time to time? That iron-strong will that grips you when you didn’t know you were still capable? Yes. Kay and I breathe the same prayer for you. LIVE, it whispers. LIVE, we roar.

    LIVE! because she lives and He lives and we LIVE according to His time and purpose and grace.

    With Life comes Love – and that is the only gift that matters.

  • Reply
    kim sisto robinson
    April 25, 2011 at 9:39 am

    Cheryl,
    your words ALWAYS move me…
    Sooo beautiful. So powerful.
    Please let me know how your sister is…if she will stay at the same school.
    you know, I think of her sometimes…..wonder how she is surviving.
    perhaps, because she has YOU (her sister.)
    I dont’ have a sister……this is something that I cannot grasp.

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