~~Our Lord has written the promise of resurrection, not in books alone, but in every leaf in springtime.—Martin Luther
DAY ONE: Spring Break.
I like being home. I’m protected here. My family understands me here.
…..Understands my insanity…my silence….my outbursts.
I can cry whenever I wish. I can cry a fucking river if I wish.
I can fall to my knees and shake my fist at my God in the middle of the afternoon.
After that I can bake a big fat chocolaty chocolate cake.
DAY TWO: It’s been 10 months & 3 weeks since Kay’s execution.
It’s been a split second.
A blink of an eye.
It’s been an infinity.
Time dragging his fingers thru sludge.
It’s been a transformation of darkness & light….
a renovation of salt and sorrow
It’s been lonely. So damn lonely.
It’s been shadows upon shadows
It’s been reinventing new identities.
How can I be lonely surrounded by the people who love me?
Perhaps because one of the people who loved me the most is absent.
DAY THREE: Went to the Mall today for something. nothing.
As I walked thru isles skimming silky summer dresses, strappy sandals, and tank tops, I thought about how much Kay & I loved shopping together…
All Day Long.
Smelling expensive perfumes. Sampling pink & cherry lipsticks. Splitting the appetizer platter at Applebee’s.
Yelling from one corner of the store to another:
“Kay! Come feel this shirt. Oh, you’d look so good in this. Feel the texture. Don’t you just love it? ”
She’d rub the material against her face
I walk past Barnes & Noble. Our sister dates always began there….
Oh, god, I wish I could call you, Kay.
I spend a lot of time wishing.
DAY FOUR: Saw the “creepy guy” at the Post Office today.
My heart pumped—pumped faster.
I couldn’t just walk out of the post office…couldn’t let him intimidate me…couldn’t allow him to dictate if I should mail my letters or not.
The creep assumes I owe him an apology. Said I’m the rudest person he knows. Doesn’t understand why I ignore him, why I wont tell him about Kay.
I held my cell phone up as if I were calling the police…calling for help…whatever.
I felt his eyes penetrating hot thru my skin.
Everyone loved Kay.
The misfits & creeps of the world sought her out.
But the coldest creep of all killed her.
DAY FIVE: I’ve decided that the “still waters” are what keeps one alive after
The distractions. The interruptions. The intermissions of everyday life.
Sun kissing skin unexpectedly. Poetry. Words. Books. Baking chocolate chip cookies. Family dinners. The movement of vacuuming, washing clothes, cleaning closets.
In between …..is the sadness, sobbing, lamenting, sorrow
In between is the reality of what truly happened.
Then the sun sleeps.
Then I sleep.
DAY SIX: I wonder what God has planned.
I mean, how can time go on as it has before? Be the same as it was before?
Wake up. Get ready. Pour coffee. Smear on makeup. Leave for work.
DAY SEVEN: Snowed today.
What ever happed to April showers?
But unbelievably, fantastically, the tulips are still flourishing in my front garden.
I can see their blood-red heads popping thru…..even though they are covered with fluffy white powder.
Nothing stops them.
Today I saw the first Robin sitting on the yellow lawn like a big fat Buddha.
They all come back to me.
They all come back
Every leaf, every tulip, every bird
…….Like a resurrection
~My sister, Kay, was murdered by Mike Peterson on May 26, 2010….The World Darkened…Nothing remains the same…except LOVE & GOD. always forever.
~Read more about Kay Here: In Memory of Kay
~For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.
click here NOW >http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/
Pre-Register for Kay Marie Sisto’s Walk for Domestic Violence Here: http://www.theduluthmodel.org/events.php