In Memory of Kay

The Evolution Of Me


{In the cookies of life, sisters are the chocolate chips….}

 

DAY ONE:                    Mourning Kay’s  murder has been an education.

An education I never wanted.  A fucking education that has stripped me to my very core.

I’ve learned that one can die from the inside out.

I’ve learned that one has an invisible nucleus where pain is waiting to be born.

Pain that is so deep and so profound that if we allowed it to devour us…

It could swallow an entire family whole.

I’ve learned that a body can continue existing even after the heart has stopped beating.

I’ve learned all of this in 10 months.

DAY TWO:                    I tell the same stories.

Over and over and over again.

I tell the same stories until I am empty.

I tell the same stories until the words explode like fire upon my tongue & pen.

The what ifs.

The regrets.

The gun we never found.

The three shots to the head.

The manipulation.

The stalking.

The darkness that falls  falls   falls

The helplessness.

The missing,  missing,   missing

The living, living, living.

DAY THREE:                 I get LOTS of advice.

Some have said that seclusion and isolating one’s self is not healthy…not emotionally normal…not a good thing.

I disagree.

I ponder.      I reflect.     I write.     I pray the 23rd Psalm.

I have my family.    I have the a few friends who can tolerate my continual lamenting, sobbing, soulfulness.

I have recipes for lemon bars, peanut butter bars, 7 layer bars….

And I have Dickenson, Oliver, Li Young -Lee & Plath.

How can that be possibly be unhealthy?

DAY FOUR:            Mornings ache.  ( see what I mean about the same old stories?)

The image of Kay fills me like a unending pitcher of water…

Like a everlasting flow of something blue.

Love    Love    Love

Pain      Pain      Pain

intermingled

Fused together like a foreign  life.

DAY FIVE:                 I’ve learned to act.

I’ve learned to smile that plastic smile.

That paper doll smile.  That forged smile.
Generic.

Artificial.

I’ve learned to act semi-normal and rational.

Like I used to…the old Me.

This makes others happy and comfortable.

 

DAY SIX:             The tulips are already rising from the ground.

I look at the green roots  and think   “DAMN, you are strong!   Damn, you are hardy!”

I mean, in the midst of snow and cold and 30 degree weather….

HERE YOU ARE!

Here you are.


DAY SEVEN:
                Kay’s Birthday.

I sat up the night before staring at the clock.

Tick::::::::::Tick:::::::::::::;Tick

9:00,    10:00,    11;00,    12:00….

suddenly

Her birthday was here even though she was not

April 11 arrived.  The day she was born.  The day my life became more beautiful.

I took the day off from work

Tia & I brought red lilies and hot pink roses to the cemetery.

Last year we all went to the Green Mill to drink pink martinis and laughed laughed laughed.

We were not laughing this year.

My sister Kay was Murdered by Mike Peterson on May 26, 2010.  The Clocks Stopped….

~~~~Read more about Kay here:   In Memory of Kay

      Register Here  For Walk for Domestic Violence–   http://www.theduluthmodel.org/events.php 

pink lips  

~~Volunteer Help–pbergquist@theduluthmodel.org 

~~~~~For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

click here NOW >http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/


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30 Comments

  • Reply
    Amy
    April 15, 2011 at 7:10 am

    You DO have friends who can tolerate the lamenting, sobbing, soulfulness. And some don’t just “tolerate” it! We feel it for you! I can tell you this – that every time I think of you, I pray that you see some light that day. . .that even if only for one small moment, your spirit lightens a little and that when it does, you don’t feel bad or guilty for feeling good. I understand that those moments are few and far between, but I do pray that those moments find you. And I pray that you know that some people do understand, as you plunge back into darkness, that you are feeling your grief and working with it the best way you no how. Until the end of my days or yours, I will never judge you for saying that you hurt because your sister is no longer standing next to you on this physical planet.

    Your grief is your own, Kim, and I have no judgment whatsoever on how you feel on any given day. I will never, ever judge someone in their grief. I have nothing to offer, really, in the way of advice. I mean, I can only tell you what happened to me (as I’ve done a million times, right? Ha!) and how I went through what I went through. I can only tell you that you cannot rely on other people to give you permission to feel something or to tell you what to do. I can tell you that I learned to let people’s opinions flow through me and feel only their intention, rather than heed their words. I think that many people’s intentions, when they suggest that things “aren’t healthy,” are good. They only want to help. They are afraid or compassionate towards someone in pain.

    I think that it is just natural to some people to feel the need to offer some sort of direction or solution when they see a person in pain. Many people don’t understand that sometimes, a solution isn’t really warranted. A hug, a squeeze, a moment of agreeable silence can do wonders for a person in pain. . much more so than some well intended, but trite advice, on how to get “through” this.

    Love you bunches, my poetic, beautiful e-friend! (I may send you something that I recently wrote so you can offer your opinion/edit for me, yes? Only if you want to and only if you have time. xoxo)

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      April 15, 2011 at 9:39 am

      Ooooooh, Amy,
      Your words continually comfort me & console me.
      I love your spirit & gigantic Heart!
      Send me whatever you have…I would love to read it xxx Many Kisses blown your way.

  • Reply
    Mercy
    April 15, 2011 at 7:15 am

    My dear friend,

    I can only imagine your pain.

    Someday…

    Love. Live. Continue.

    Mercy

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      April 15, 2011 at 9:40 am

      Same to you, My African Queen.
      We make a great pair…don’t we?
      Love Love Live Live.
      XXX Luv U

  • Reply
    Karen
    April 15, 2011 at 9:13 am

    I love day 6 and also day 7 even though it was so sad. I like your friend Tia despite not having met her. And, actually, you do not tell the same stories again and again, not exactly. As always, I’m glad for your gift of writing/honesty. Xo

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      April 15, 2011 at 9:41 am

      ~~~Karen,
      The same old stories ……over and over.
      I can’t stop once I’ve started.
      Luv to You! xxxxxxx

  • Reply
    Brenda
    April 15, 2011 at 9:14 am

    Kim

    I have no words to ease your burden. I suspect you’ve heard it all, that Kay is still in your heart, and she is in a better place, and that a part of you knows this too, but that doesn’t stop the ache or lessen how much you miss her being at arm’s length. There is only time, your writing, your friends, and your own passion for life, use it as your to make a difference, as you are, and damn girl, keep fighting and sharing.

    Brenda

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      April 15, 2011 at 9:43 am

      Yes,
      The words…the words….
      They have saved me for many years…
      especially now when I need them the most.
      Love love love to you, Brenda…

  • Reply
    Irene
    April 15, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    That’s what friends are for. We don’t mind the repeated rantings. We’re here to help ease your pain. To just help. And if it’s working then we’re doing our job. If you can’t let it out, it’ll eat you alive. So we’re here. And we’ll stay. For as long as you need us.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      April 15, 2011 at 2:09 pm

      Dearest, Irene,
      ~~~~you are awesome 🙂 !!!!!

  • Reply
    Joan
    April 15, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    Yes, one learns so much when unexpectadly thrown for a loop by losing someone to gun violence. It’s no fun and a dirty job. But you are up to the task and you are doing a great job. By the way, for your readers, our legislature is attempting to gut our state’s gun laws and allow people to shoot first and ask questions later and not be held responsible legally for the shooting. These are just a few of the bad things in a new omnibus gun bill put forth by Rep. Tony Cornish. More information can be found at http://www.endgunviolencecom. If you want to be on the Protect Minnesota e-mail list so you can get action alerts please e-mail joan@protectmn.org or sign up the website of Protect Minnesota- http://www.protectmn.org.

    I have started a Givemn link to the Kay Marie Sisto memorial walk/run so people can sponsor me by giving through their credit card on-line. Check it out on my blog page ( link above). It should be a great event to honor Kay’s memory.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      April 15, 2011 at 1:36 pm

      ~~~~Thanks Joan,
      I appreciate you bringing awareness about GUNS.
      I love your web-site.
      xxx K.
      see you soon.

  • Reply
    Sunshine in London
    April 15, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    Ah, what a beautiful big heart you have that is so full of love for your sister. I can so imagine. And what a wonderful tribute to her memory – you’re keeping her present, and sharing her with all of us. That’s so precious. Thank you.
    Sunshine xx

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      April 15, 2011 at 1:33 pm

      Dear, Sunshine,
      Thanks for the kind words.
      My sister will always be present.
      ALways. Aways inside my heart & soul.
      xxx

  • Reply
    Tia
    April 15, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    Love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Reply
    Dad
    April 15, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    Kim————– Just keep on writting, it makes me feel better by reading your blogs. I can say I know how
    you feel, because I feel the same way. I LOVE YOU LOVE YOU LOVE YOU.
    Dad

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      April 15, 2011 at 3:26 pm

      I love you more than anything in the entire world, daddy. love love love love .. Me

  • Reply
    Tara
    April 15, 2011 at 7:12 pm

    Kim,

    This was powerful beyond description. Honey, you isolate yourself all you want. Take time to be with yourself, your feelings, your God. You’ve got a huge wound to heal, and it’s going to take time and TLC. And while you’re healing, just know that I and countless others will be here (listening to your “same old stories.”) We are an infinite amount of patience and love for you to take from.

    Your note about spring and tulips reminded me of something. It is an amazing site, isn’t it? It’s as though everything on earth died during winter, and suddenly, it’s back to life. The same can be said for this earth. Nothing is permanent here – death is part of our reality – but we DO come to life again. Just as Kay has.

    I love you, lady!

    XO – Tara

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      April 15, 2011 at 7:24 pm

      Tara,
      YES! That was the meaning of the tulips resurrecting…
      Kay has….and we will…
      and we shall meet again in our heavenly place….
      this is what makes me go forward!

      Got your book today!!!!! My daddy wants to read
      it first. You are sooooooooooooo special to me. xxxxxxx

  • Reply
    Debbie
    April 15, 2011 at 9:52 pm

    My dear Kim,

    It’s so good that you let people know how wonderful Kay
    was, and how much sadder this world is without her.
    The world needs to know!!
    Love, Debbie
    XXXOOO

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      April 15, 2011 at 9:59 pm

      ~~I carry her heart inside my heart…every day…
      for the rest of my life on earth.
      Luv U, Debbie. xxx

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    April 16, 2011 at 1:15 am

    Kim I can only imagine how angry you must be over Kay’s death. Thanks for being so honest about your feelings!

  • Reply
    kim sisto robinson
    April 16, 2011 at 5:13 am

    ~~Dear, L.
    Not so much angry than SAD, Lonley, Alone…
    without my best friend to tell secrets to…to love.
    Thanks for your words. & a big thanks to your web site!
    xxx

  • Reply
    The Falconer's Wife
    April 16, 2011 at 6:04 am

    My heart aches for you. I know in some ways, words can never even come close to conveying the horrors of life and the terrible things that people do. However, in other ways, it’s the kind words of love, support and encouragement that come from the hearts of those who love and care about you that provide the gentle salve of healing.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      April 16, 2011 at 6:11 am

      Yes, Falconer’s Wife,
      this is true.
      The support of others is a bit of “Still Waters” for the soul.
      And so are your fabulous photos. WOW. xx

  • Reply
    Julie
    April 17, 2011 at 6:43 am

    Kim,
    You are continuing on a long unplannned journey. Keep the pen moving as you continue along your journey with Jesus walking along side of you. I wish I could give you a hug for everytime I think about you and pray for you. Here is a long distance hug if sound were to put to it……mmmmmmpatpatmmmmmm. Kay was a beautiful young woman and so are you!! God Bless you, friend.
    Julie

  • Reply
    Kim Sisto-Robinson
    April 17, 2011 at 6:55 am

    “mmmmmmpatpatmmmmmm”
    Julie, that is beautiful.
    I feel the hug. I hear the hug.
    xxx Thank you.

  • Reply
    Smart Ass Sara
    April 17, 2011 at 7:45 am

    First, I am so sorry to hear about your tremendous loss. Obviously nothing makes it better and it won’t make her come back. I hope that as each year goes by her memory is brighter for you and that it will eclipse the awfulness.

    Two, do you live in Duluth, MN??? Because I live in Superior, WI. WEIRD and small world.

    Third, I’m stopping by from LBS. 🙂

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      April 17, 2011 at 8:30 am

      ~~~~Shut your mouth!
      R U kiidding me?
      I’m in Duluth!!
      I read your blog….Love it love it love it! I needed a laugh.
      You are hilareous.
      WOW! xx

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