In Memory of Kay

Pain Brings Purpose.


 

~~Art is the only way to run away without leaving home.  ~Twyla Tharp

DAY ONE:               Haven’t talked to Kay for 10 months & 11 days.

Before the murder;  we talked   

           every. single. day.

                                                    

 I have so much to tell her, so much to say, so much to communicate

For example:   that she was shot by a man she had known for thirty LONG years.

That I haven’t gone a single day without wondering about how things might have been

That some days I’m so lonely that I search inside recipe books to keep my mind and senses touching something else

That the God we once praised with lifted arms and prayerful petitioning has been more silent than not

That sometimes I feel like the only person on this stinkin’ earth

DAY TWO:               Taught poetry class for YAC (young author’s conference).

This is where I’m supposed to be

Drenched in metaphor & symbolism

Covered in sentences & simile

I tell the students about Monkey Mind

I tell them to go crazy—wild—uninhibited with their words

I tell them there are no rules in Free Verse

They all  smile.

Whew…..What  a  relief.

 

DAY THREE:             Pain brings Purpose.

I believe this.   I know this.   My intellectual being demands this.

Pain  CANNOT be born without intention, reason, or a higher meaning.

Pain cannot erupt and explode without explanation or enlightenment.

Tell me now now now now now now now now now now what you want from me, GOD!

DAY FOUR:             Mornings hurt like lonliness.

There is something utterly-fantastically insidious about awakening to birds singing,   sun shining, yellow surging….

The scent of spring hurts without Kay.

The smell of green fucking hurts without Kay.

 

DAY FIVE:            Writing is a life of solitude.

I understand why Plath, Dickenson, & Woolf escaped into  locked rooms with candles.

I  understand why Fosse curled up inside a small hut on the mountain top of Rwanda.

It all makes sense to me now.

How Seclusion and Silence can be such a lovely place to dwell.

 

DAY SIX:         I found a new doctor.

I sat and told her my sad sad story.

I sat and sobbed.

I sat cross-legged on the green plastic chair like a child and told her my mammogram was overdue.

I sat and told her my life was overdue.

She listened.

She was beautiful.

DAY SEVEN:       Have I ever mentioned I love Woody Allen?

In his film “Interiors,” one of the characters (Diane Keaten) screams:

“How the hell does one survive without ART!?”

I thank God I need not figure that out…

   …for the written word has saved me and loved me and wrapped her vocabulary around me for many years.

Especially now…

When I need her the most.

My Best Friend was Murdered on May 26, 2010 by Mike Peterson.  We shall meet again, My Love.  pink lips  

—For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

click here NOW >http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/

IMFORMATION ABOUT   “KAY SISTO WALK/RUN/ROLL FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE  HERE:  http://www.theduluthmodel.org/events.php 


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42 Comments

  • Reply
    Amanda- The Nutritionist Reviews
    April 7, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    Aww this is very sad. I’m praying for you for your loss.

    I just found your blog through one of the blog hops! Have a great week!

    Amanda @ http://www.nutritionistreviews.com

  • Reply
    Amy
    April 7, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    (heartsheartsheartsheartsheartsheartsheartsheartsheartsheartshearts)

  • Reply
    Tara
    April 7, 2011 at 5:48 pm

    Kim,

    I sent you another book. It’s called the “Dark Night of the Soul” by St. John of the Cross. I know I keep throwing books at you, and there’s only so far they can go, but I think this might resonate with you. I must warn…it’s deep, but so is your pain. When you’re feeling up to it, please read it. I hope you can get something out of it.

    A little background: It was written by John while in prison during the Spanish Inquisition. Like you, he felt abandoned by God, couldn’t hear His voice or feel His presence whatsoever. Somehow, through all of this, he understood and recognized God’s presence throughout his trials, and his is a message that we can all appreciate in our own lives.

    I love you, Kim, and you are a constant in my prayers and thoughts.

    XO – Tara

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      April 7, 2011 at 7:37 pm

      ~~ NEVER enough books, Tara.
      You are an angel. God sent me you.
      Love love love. xxx

  • Reply
    Pamela
    April 7, 2011 at 6:20 pm

    You are thought of often, and in my prayers always. Love you.

  • Reply
    LBDDiaries
    April 7, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    I’m going to toss out a seed for thought – just a tiny seed, If God never leaves us, if His voice is silent to you, is it possible it is because you can’t hear it? The spirit of grief overwhelms all voices, including His because it is very powerful, a hungry monster that is fed by continual tears and thoughts. I speak from experience, not lightly or frivolously. The depth of grief can be all-encompassing. You can’t hear any voice but the one of pain. “Tell me… what you want from me, GOD” – you’re asking the wrong question.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      April 7, 2011 at 7:40 pm

      Yes, LD,
      This is true…He is whispering inside my ear…
      and I am not listening. I’m angry at Him.
      But I know He is speaking to me. I know He is!
      xxxxx

  • Reply
    LBDDiaries
    April 7, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    And p.s., I love you, love, love, love, you. And if what I say is pure BS to you, ignore it.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      April 7, 2011 at 7:41 pm

      ~~~~love love love
      I still have love…
      and I still have God
      and I still have people like you to challege me !! xxx KISS

  • Reply
    susan
    April 7, 2011 at 7:38 pm

    1. You and those students… wow! That IS where you need to be.
    2. ” Pain brings Purpose” I want more explanation of this. Tell me more..
    3. I am so glad you found a Dr. that “got “you, and/ or at least listened to you. Halleluijah! or however the heck you spell it…
    4. “How Seclusion and Silence can be such a lovely place to dwell.”Yes, personally- it can be a very lovely place to dwell but you cannot stay there for too long. :)Life is reflected there but it doesn’t happen there. Go there because it is your place of art but you are also needed HERE. 🙂

    I went to the first meeting of my memoir critique group tonight. Driving home, I became very emotional, I think because I had put me” out there in my words and they recognized something in it as “art”. That makes me sad and happy. I think it touched me because I could see a glimpse of how the “mess” of life which is not very pretty can come together for something meaningful, beautiful… It feels like the most true and authentic thing I can do… I do believe when we expose ourselves- our pain and our dirty secrets and our imperfections – it is Art- and it is one of the most meaningful things we can EVER do. You give that 24/7 and it is beautiful and IMPORTANT! Does this make sense??? LOL

  • Reply
    kim sisto robinson
    April 7, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    ~~~Yes, it all makes sense.

    I told my girlfriend tonight…”You know God always knows where to find me…Within the art, inside the words, & in His poetry.”

    Pain Brings Purpose? One cannot have Pain without learning, growing, loving, and finding more MEANING.

    I believe this…but I am still mourning & lamenting & sobbing…so I am not sure of His purpose yet, His meaning yet, & my role in this craaaazy world.

    Yes, when we write … it’s like undressing in front of others…it’s like revealing our darkness & secrets & imperfections.

    It’s beautiful…..it’s emotional….it’s liberating.

    … And You are so beautiful, Susan.

    Big big Kiss for you. XX

  • Reply
    debbie
    April 7, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    My dear Kim.
    Remember I’m here for you,before I’m gone.
    I love you & want you to have your space, but
    please remember I’m here for you.

    Debbie
    XXXOOO

  • Reply
    Mercy
    April 8, 2011 at 12:08 am

    Love you dear.

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    April 8, 2011 at 2:12 am

    Isn’t that wonderful when people like your doctor just listen. Sometimes listening is the most valuable thing you can give to someone in pain. We are with you Kim.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      April 8, 2011 at 5:40 am

      Yes, it was refreshing going to a new doctor whom did not judge me …
      just listened.
      Thanks, L. ~~Ps. Can I have your job, please? xx

      • Reply
        Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
        April 9, 2011 at 4:48 pm

        Hehe you are most welcome to come along Kim! 🙂 xxx

        • Reply
          Kim Sisto-Robinson
          April 9, 2011 at 6:58 pm

          ~~COOL… See you soon … I will be your agent 🙂 how long will it take me to get to Australia from here? xxxxx

  • Reply
    Tiny
    April 8, 2011 at 2:19 am

    Grief is a killer for those left behind. I know Kay is still with you, she walks with you and reads your words. This won’t help and I don’t know how this would fit in with your religious beliefs, but I truly believe we are spiritual beings, sent to experience physical life. We have different lessons to learn, different experiences to bear and the tougher the experience, the higher up we are on our spiritual journey. It’s the only way I can make any sense of life.

    I know you’re angry -express that anger, feel it, acknowedge (I can’t spell!) and then, when you’re all angered out, let it go. It’s what she would want for you.

    Would love to hear more of your writing classes. I’m sending love, hugs and healing thoughts your way. XX

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      April 8, 2011 at 5:48 am

      ~~~~Tiny,
      I am not angry anymore…I am just sad & lonely.
      I believe we are on the earth to learn, experience, & grow stronger with God.
      But it is HARD… It is hard. It is HARD.
      I guess one does not grow stronger without some sort of pain.
      Anyhow, the classes were great… I popped popcorn and the students
      all wrote words about the 5 senses. wow!
      xxxx Kiss.

  • Reply
    Petite
    April 8, 2011 at 7:34 am

    My dear Kim,

    I feel your pain sweetie. Here’s a big HUG just for you!
    Stay strong and safe.

    Kisses.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      April 8, 2011 at 9:32 am

      ~~~Petite,
      thank you for your kind words.
      I feel your HUG! xxxxx

  • Reply
    elizabeth
    April 8, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    Oh Kim,
    I read your words and wish I had powers to bring Kay back so the pain can be lifted from you. You and your family did not deserve this. People will say that no one deserves this – I will beg to differ.
    your words are so beautiful and yet they strike us all in our hearts and minds.
    love ya. elizabeth xx

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      April 8, 2011 at 3:14 pm

      ~~~Elizabeth,
      Sometimes I wonder how much one will mourn..
      and then I think…
      FOREVER.
      We must learn to live with it…without that beautiful person inside our lives.
      Ahhh, this is the hardest part.
      But I’m trying…oh, God, I’m trying.
      Talk to you tomorrow! Luv U

  • Reply
    Theresa Sonoda
    April 8, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    You are such a lovely, inspiring writer. Please never stop expressing yourself and your emotions. Many of us, even if we’re much different and have completely different issues, draw strength from your words. Just lovely.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      April 8, 2011 at 5:03 pm

      ~~~~Theresa,
      Without expressing myself, I would have shriveled up long ago.
      I thank you for reading my lamenting, sobbing,& painful words.
      This is my medicine.
      love to you xxx

  • Reply
    Making It Work Mom
    April 8, 2011 at 6:25 pm

    I think your blog is so important. So important for you to help work through your grief. So important to keep the issue that is Domestic Violence alive so that we can’t just shut our doors/ears/eyes and ignore it. So important that if a woman is in a domestic violence situation that she has a voice through your blog.

    Keep on taking it one day at a time. Everyone has been touched by Domestic Violence whether they recognize it or not.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      April 8, 2011 at 8:24 pm

      Thank you so much for your kind words.
      Yes, I believe everyone is touched by domestic violence in some way….
      … But I never thought it would actually happen in my own family.

      thanks for reading 🙂

  • Reply
    Dad
    April 9, 2011 at 7:55 pm

    It was so nice that you came to bible study where we can prayer together, laugh together,& cry together,but most of
    all praise God together.
    Love You
    Dad

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      April 9, 2011 at 9:36 pm

      Love you more, Daddy.
      I cant’ praise God right now…but I never stopped believing… xxx

  • Reply
    Judy Griffin
    April 10, 2011 at 10:52 am

    My heart is so sad for you. Having lost my brother (who I was deeply close with) to tragedy, I know all to well how grief, sadness & anger can envelope you. We wish we could rewrite their story but alas that is not possible. As you become ready to remember all of the happiness you shared may you begin to smile & laugh again and in a small way feel like a piece of her is with you.

    With love & kindness, Judy

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      April 10, 2011 at 3:28 pm

      ~Judy,
      Oh, so you understand. Sometimnes (most the time),
      people do not understand when one is mourning & lamenting.
      I am so sorry about your brother…
      I am not complete without my sister…I never shall be.
      ~~~one day at a time, I guess.
      Thank you for your kind words. xxx

  • Reply
    Tia
    April 10, 2011 at 5:30 pm

    Love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Reply
    Annie @astonesthrowfrominsanity
    April 14, 2011 at 6:51 am

    I followed you back over here after you stopped by my blog.

    I too have written about the love I have for my sister, and I too have referenced the ee cummings i carry your heart poem. I am overwhelmed with sadness and anger and love for you after reading these last few posts. The line that really got me was Day 4, “The smell of fucking green hurts without Kay.” (I probably paraphrased that incorrectly.) How incredibly powerful and raw and on the mark to describe your grief! I am in tears here with you.

    Judging by the comments section, you have many, many sister-like women out there, in your corner, rooting for you and praying for you and your sister. You can’t count me in too.

    Fondly,
    ~Annie

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      April 14, 2011 at 9:34 am

      ~~~Oh, Annie,
      thank you for your beautiful words.

      Yes, “The Green:” It hurts like hell. And the “White” hurts, too (Snow) etc……

      Every single day hurts without one’s soul-mate.

      But the support of sister-women helps a bit. Women are so nurturing & lovely.

      xxx thanks for stopping by…I shall visit you again (for sure)

  • Reply
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    April 14, 2011 at 9:01 am

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