—Who will carry our lives home– and hold in thirsting, cupped hands, the possibility of a new life, poem by poem, page by page? —-Mary Willette Hughes
DAY ONE: Mom and I ironed melon colored shirts for Kay’s funeral.
I think we ironed eight, or nine, or perhaps–even ten shirts.
But who really gives a shit after one?
I remember the sun oozing through her small basement window like an uninvited visitor…
The yellow honey gleaming on the soft material. The tangerine of the shirts melting in the heat.
I remember thinking, “Fuck You, Sun.”
DAY TWO: It’s hard to find purpose after a tragedy like this.
Hard to find meaning, significance, rays of hope, waves of joy.
Hard to know when the days begin and when they end.
Hard to hear ticking when clocks have stopped.
Suddenly it’s tomorrow.
A month has passed.
I keep asking myself : How can the universe possibly be meaningful without Kay?
I haven’t come up with an answer yet.
DAY THREE: Went out for Aaron’s birthday (Kay’s son) and Andrew’s birthday
(my son) to the Red Lobster.
We ordered artichoke dip, coconut shrimp, rock lobster, merlot & vodka sours.
I can never have just one glass of merlot. Never.
The younger-than-hell waiters sung happy birthday to our boys.
We laughed because their cheeks tinted apple-red.
We laughed because we tell the same family stories over and over again.
“Um, can you get some new stories?” Brit Hubby chuckled.
At these special events, Kay and I always sat together sharing oysters or sushi.
Whispered amusing things in one another’s ear– like how adorable the guys at the next table were, or bitching about how we had to lose that last ten pounds.
God, when I think about the massive loss of her, my heart skips a beat, my stomach constricts, my organs shake,
& my soul Hurts Hurts Hurts.
How can a soul hurt?
How can something unseen bleed?
How does a pulse continue pulsating?
DAY FOUR: Bad day.
Angry at the entire world.
Angry at the world for moving forward,
for making plans,
for discussing insignificant shit like not being able to travel to St. Thomas for Spring Break,
for not understanding,
for living in the light when I’m in the dark.
DAY FIVE: Mom surprised me with a special gift.
She bought me a silver toggle heart necklace with engraving on it.
On the front of the heart it says: Kim & Kay
And on the back it says: Love Always Forever
I shall be buried with that necklace.
That…And my wedding band.
DAY SIX: Baked “Totally Chocolate Chip Cookies.”
Cocoa. Chocolate Chips. Dove Dark Chocolate.
Melt. Mix. Measure.
The movement of hands in brown batter creates a kind of calm.
The aroma of brown sugar and butter bring me back…
back to my youth
back to laughter in the kitchen with mom and Kay and Patsy Cline on the stereo
back to beauty & innocence
DAY SEVEN: Finished “Little Bee.”
There is a line that keeps coming back to me….like a poem that fills my mouth with salt.
“Sad words are just another beauty.
A sad story means, this storyteller is alive”
Those syllables are warm inside my ears.
… Because sometimes the one telling the story feels she does not exist.
My soul-mate was murdered on May 26, 2010 by Mike Peterson. Our family will never be the same. No love was greater…. Love Always Forever
~~~~~~~~For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.
click here NOW >http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/
~~Note::: The walk in memory of K. will be on Sunday, May 22 on the Munger Trail. I will give you more information ASAP. xxxxxx Kisses