In Memory of Kay

Poem by Poem, Page by Page


 

Who will carry our lives home– and hold in thirsting, cupped hands, the possibility of a new life, poem by poem, page by page? -Mary Willette Hughes

 

DAY ONE:               Mom and I ironed melon colored shirts for Kay’s funeral.

I think we ironed eight, or nine, or perhaps–even ten shirts. 

But who really gives a shit after one?

I remember the sun oozing through her small basement window like an uninvited visitor…

The yellow honey gleaming on the soft material.  The tangerine of the shirts melting in the heat.

I remember thinking, “Fuck You, Sun.”

 

DAY TWO:               It’s hard to find purpose after a tragedy like this.

Hard to find meaning, significance, rays of hope, waves of joy.

Hard to know when the days begin and when they end. 

Hard to hear ticking when clocks have stopped.

Suddenly it’s tomorrow.

A month has passed.

A year.

A life.

I keep asking myself :  How can the universe possibly be meaningful without Kay?

I haven’t come up with an answer yet.

DAY THREE:           Went out for Aaron’s birthday (Kay’s son) and Andrew’s birthday

(my son) to the Red Lobster. 

We ordered artichoke dip, coconut shrimp, rock lobster, merlot & vodka sours.

I can never have just one glass of merlot.    Never.

The younger-than-hell waiters sung happy birthday to our boys. 

We laughed because their cheeks tinted apple-red.

We laughed because we tell the same family stories over and over again.

Um, can you get some new stories?” Brit Hubby chuckled.

At these special events, Kay and I always sat together sharing oysters or sushi.

Whispered amusing things in one another’s ear– like how adorable the guys at the next table were,  or bitching about how we had to lose that last ten pounds.

God,  when I think about the massive loss of her, my heart skips a beat, my stomach constricts,  my organs shake,

& my soul   Hurts    Hurts    Hurts.

How can a soul hurt? 

How can something unseen bleed?

How does a pulse continue pulsating?

DAY FOUR:                 Bad day.

Angry  at the entire world.

Angry at the world for moving forward,

for making plans,

for discussing insignificant shit like not being able to travel to St. Thomas for Spring Break,

for not understanding,

for  living in the light when I’m in the dark.

DAY FIVE:                     Mom surprised me with a special gift.

She bought me a silver toggle heart necklace with engraving on it.

On the front of the heart it says:     Kim & Kay

And on the back it says:       Love  Always  Forever

I shall be buried with that necklace.
That…And my wedding band.

DAY SIX:                     Baked “Totally Chocolate Chip Cookies.

                                 

Cocoa.   Chocolate Chips.   Dove Dark Chocolate.

Melt.    Mix.    Measure.

The movement of hands in brown batter creates a kind of calm.

The aroma of brown sugar and butter bring me back…

back  to my youth

back to laughter in the kitchen with mom and Kay and Patsy Cline on the stereo

back to beauty & innocence

….before brokenness.

DAY SEVEN:               Finished “Little Bee.”

There is a line that keeps coming back to me….like a poem that fills my mouth with salt.

Sad words are just another beauty.

A sad story means, this storyteller is alive

Those syllables are warm inside my ears.

  …  Because sometimes the one telling the story feels she does not exist.

My soul-mate was murdered on May 26, 2010 by Mike Peterson.  Our family will never be the same.  No love was greater…. Love   Always   Forever 

~~~~~~~~For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

click here NOW >http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/

~~Note:::  The walk in memory of K. will be on Sunday, May 22 on the Munger Trail.  I will give you more information ASAP.  xxxxxx Kisses


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27 Comments

  • Reply
    Mercy
    March 27, 2011 at 10:36 am

    Your words are so powerful. And beautiful, yet sad.

    Love you Kim.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 27, 2011 at 12:46 pm

      My African beauty, You are loved by me xxx

  • Reply
    Dad
    March 27, 2011 at 11:35 am

    My Dear Kim
    About Kay, it’s sad, very sad————- It’s hard to live here without her, but we will see her again.
    I love you so much much much

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 27, 2011 at 12:47 pm

      Yes…yes….yes,
      daddy, we will be whole again one day.
      I love you more than words. K.

  • Reply
    Irene
    March 27, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    ((((((HUGS)))))) This is very hard for you, I know. You will survive and move on with her memory. Keep in mind she probably wouldn’t want you dwelling on it, for you to move on with your life and try to be happy. I read the articles, she sounds like she was a very optimistic person. She will always be with you! In spirit.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 27, 2011 at 12:48 pm

      Irene,
      Man Must Live.
      Ahhhhhhhhh, that’s the rub…
      so difficult living without your loved one on earth.
      Thanks for you lovely words. xx

  • Reply
    Sue W
    March 27, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    Kim,

    This was a beautiful post. You are beautiful and stronger than you know.
    Oh yeah, and those cookies…OMG!

    Love you lots

    Sue

    Are you sure you and your mom shouldn’t open a bakery? You know, a little bakery therapy! You could take orders and ship – you know you have quite a following.
    I’d love nothing more than getting a white box with with those beautiful lips and the inner chick logo on top, filled with incredibly sinful cookies on my doorstep!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 27, 2011 at 12:50 pm

      ~~~Oh, this might be a lovely distraction!

      Most times, I do not feel strong…I feel very weak & oh-so-utterly human.

      But knowing Kay and I will be together again someday spurs me forward.

      Luv U, Sue.

  • Reply
    susan
    March 27, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    I read Little Bee a while back.. Thanks for reminding me of these words…
    “Sad words are just another beauty. A sad story means, this storyteller is alive”

    And for your strong, insightful comment… ” … Because sometimes the one telling the story feels she does not exist.”

    You are alive for a purpose, and you have this incredible gift for painting a picture for us of what a broken spirit “looks” like. For as hard as it is for you ( and I really cannot imagine what that must feel like…) the rawness of your expression opens a window to grief. I think it is important to show your grief, because that also shows the depth of your love.
    xxoo

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 27, 2011 at 12:52 pm

      ~~~Sweet, Susan,

      Thank you once again for the RIGHT words at the right time.

      You are indeed a warm blanket for a weary heart.. xxxxx

  • Reply
    Helen
    March 27, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    I love the idea of the walk. What a beautiful cncept……..

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 27, 2011 at 2:27 pm

      ~helen,
      you have to make sure you come…I will give more details later…The Domestic Abuse Chapter in Duluth is making this happen.
      xxx K.

  • Reply
    Pamela
    March 27, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    Kim, I am a new-ish reader. Just wanted to tell you first that I am so sorry about the death of your sister. How tragic, how wrong, how evil. This post, today, is tremendously moving and a beautiful tribute to her. Good luck on the walk in her memory.

    I have a brother, who I love, and I always wished I had a sister. The way you talk about the bond you had with her is just incredible.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 27, 2011 at 6:34 pm

      ~~~Pamela,
      so nice to meet you. thank you for
      your kind words…. Go kiss your brother!
      xxxx Love Love love

  • Reply
    Kim Wright (Pinkim)
    March 27, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    Wow, what a powerful post…you write beautifully and from the heart…I found you at the tea party. I am a new follower. I am so sorry about your sister!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 27, 2011 at 6:35 pm

      Hi, Kim,
      Yes, I love those Tea Parties…
      Now I can check out your site, too!
      xxx Thanks for your nice words.

  • Reply
    Tia
    March 27, 2011 at 6:50 pm

    Dear Kimmers,

    When I think I have shed all the tears in my body I read your words and it takes me back to the worst day of my life. I miss her so much and I love you so much.

    Love always,
    Tia

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 27, 2011 at 8:05 pm

      Tia,
      Yes, the worst day of our lives…
      Never forgotten. Never…as long as I have breath inside my lungs.
      Love Always Forever.
      Love you more.

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    March 28, 2011 at 1:40 am

    Kim, you see I find it so wonderful that you take the time to leave such absolutely heart warming comments on my site like today’s one which just made me smile all day. Especially when you’re going through all of this. So admirable, thankyou Kim.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 28, 2011 at 5:38 am

      ~~I love your blog, L.
      God sent me you as one of my great distractions from reality.
      love love love. xx

  • Reply
    Kelly
    March 28, 2011 at 7:45 am

    Kim,

    No words of advice no suggestions just… Thank you!!!

    Love Love Love!!!

    Kel

  • Reply
    Blond Duck
    March 29, 2011 at 4:17 am

    Your writing is so powerful!

  • Reply
    Jamie
    March 30, 2011 at 9:39 am

    I am sitting here with tears swelling in my eyes ready to take off. I am so so sorry. I can’t even imagine what I would do if my sister was gone and trying to imagine makes me want to scream.
    I can relate to your pain of loss, your anger, your sadness in a way that is a bit different from your experience. My sister and I lost our mom 6 yrs ago to cancer, she was 51. We found out on a Friday and 2.5 days later she was gone on that Sunday afternoon. Even though we knew the outcome (with the thinking that is was going to be months dow the road) I still feel like she was ripped away from us because it was so sudden. I know I can’t put what happened to your sister and my mom in the same category but what I can relate to is the pain that your heart feels and the anger. I was angry for 2 years just pissed. Unlike you I didn’t have a specific person to blame to hate so i blamed the world. I hope that this scum bag that did this to her and your family is put away forever to rot like the dirt that he is.
    She will always be with you, in your heart, in your memories. Hold her close and don’t let go.
    *Hugs to you*

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 30, 2011 at 2:43 pm

      Dear, Jamie,
      Your pain is the same as my pain.
      It HURTS like hell. It aches. It’s shitty.
      I am so sorry about your beautiful -young mother.
      So -so sorry.
      And I am also sorry for myself…that my best friend was murdered before I could
      say goodbye.
      I’ll never have a friend like that again. Never as long as I live.
      The monster (as I call him) killed himself, too.
      this is the legacy he left his children.
      I shall see Kay again.
      You shall see your mother again.
      ~~this is what makes me get up in the morning
      love love love,
      K.

  • Reply
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    April 9, 2011 at 5:08 am

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