In Memory of Kay

A Discontented Life.


~~~~~For daddy.  Who loves, loves, loves me.Daddy & K.

DAY ONE:              That little orange cat is still hanging around our house.  Hubby saw

him on the  front porch on his way to work.  It’s as if the cats around the neighborhood are telling their feline friends to come on over… and if you hang around long enough,  the lady of the house (ME) will give ya’all some Meow Mix or scratch your fat belly.

Oh, by the way,  Bully Boy, the other orange drifter was adopted.

BULLY BOY!

 

I saved something. 

Finally.  Finally.

DAY TWO:            It’s been 9 months & 3 weeks since Kay’s murder.  

It’s not getting easier.   She is everywhere.  She is nowhere. 

The scent of Estee’ Lauder perfume …

                                                    disappeared from  her long, lovely coats.

I wish I could pick up the telephone and tell her how fucking sad I am about her murder… how I wish I could’ve saved her,  how the world has suddenly narrowed & lessened & feels fragmented, ugly, unforgiving, and discontented.

           Oh, God,  why why why why  have you abandoned me?

DAY THREE:            Went shopping with T.  

Saw that icky guy again; the one that  keeps harassing me.  This is the third time in  four months I’ve seen him lingering.

He keeps asking about Kay,  keeps asking me why I won’t talk to him about her, keeps calling me rude.

“You are a veeeery rude person,” he said.  “Very, very rude.”

Well, I saw him in the dairy section at Super One yesterday….. and my heart started pounding swiftly, erratically.

 He stood there waiting for me with his dirty hands on his hips.  His eyes were angry.

“You are ruuuuuude,” he said loudly as I tried to walk past him.  “You owe me an apology.”

I called T. over to rescue me.

“This is him,” I uttered.  “This is the guy I told you about.”

She threatened that we were going to call the police…that we were getting a restraining order against him, that he was mentally disturbed.

Then she grabbed my hand tightly and we walked to the bakery area.

Just one more stalker that loved my sister, Kay.

Everybody loved her.

 Loved her to fucking death.

DAY FOUR:            Reading my first book since the murder:  “Little Bee.”

I’ve only been able to read poetry since Kay.  Words that trickle inside my soul like something balmy, something blossoming….

Syrupy.  Simple.  Symbolism.

But “Little Bee” caught me instantly.  Took me into some still waters, another humanity.

Little Bee says:         “Sad words are just another beauty.  A sad story means this

storyteller is alive.”

     

DAY FIVE:              Baked a whole chicken like the beautiful, brilliant Barefoot

Contessa.  (not quite…but almost)

I drenched the little sucker with sea salt, sweet butter, ground pepper, and loads of real garlic.  I positioned strips of bacon over the top.

…Stuffed the cavity with onion, mushrooms,  lemons, carrots, broccoli, and sweet potatoes.

It tasted like childhood, Christmas, and Sunday.

It tasted like my old life.

DAY SIX:           Days and nights soften together into one large puddle.     

I missed last spring.  Now it’s come again.

I can’t remember. 

I can’t forget.

If somebody could drown in sorrow and sadness, I’d be dead by now….I’d be shriveled up by now.

But I’m still here.  Still here.  still here

DAY SEVEN:                The Cardinal is back.

He sits in the tree like a blood red God.

He sits in the green pine like he expects something.

He is so magnificent that my heart rises up…

Then it falls falls falls.

           My best friend was murdered on May 26, 2010 by Mike Peterson.  The world darkened.  The clocks stopped.  The sun dimmed.  Nothing ever remains the same.

~~~~~~For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

click here NOW >http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/


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35 Comments

  • Reply
    Amy
    March 21, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    OK. The dude in the grocery store sounds creepy. I’m sending you some bear foam. xoxo

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 21, 2011 at 8:22 pm

      Yeah, what a CREEP. I’ll be waiting for the Bear Foam. What is that?
      luv Ya, Amy xxxxxxxxx

  • Reply
    Pamela
    March 21, 2011 at 6:05 pm

    This was beautiful. I think of you more than I tell you I think of you…

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 21, 2011 at 8:23 pm

      ““It’s nice to be thought of, Pamela. 🙂 xxx

  • Reply
    Karen Sosnoski
    March 21, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    yeah, I think your friend is right, that if that guy threatens you again, you should call the police. And/or switch super markets, totally avoid him. You seem so full of life, the thought of you missing last spring–although of course you did–seems unbearable and I can see how the memory of the lost spring hurts now that the season has come round again, plus your sense of time must be so altered since so many of the rhythms of the past, particularly the joyful holidays and seasons, involved your sister. As ever, moments of beauty here–the description of your chicken and of little Bee. As does everything you write about your sister, this makes my heart go out to you and to your family….XO Karen

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 21, 2011 at 8:24 pm

      oh, Karen….I thank you once again for your warm words. xxxxxx Love.

  • Reply
    susan
    March 21, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    Kim- give your daddy a big hug from this Southern girl for loving you so. Give him one for me because I miss mine so much…
    We love you and send you xxooxxoo.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 21, 2011 at 8:25 pm

      Oooooh, your daddy …. One day, you will meet him again.
      Think of you often, my sweet Susan. xxx

  • Reply
    debbie
    March 21, 2011 at 9:22 pm

    My dear Kim,
    I love each & every one of you, so very much.
    Love,
    Debbie xxxooo

  • Reply
    Petite (Psycho Basher)
    March 21, 2011 at 11:26 pm

    Dear Sweet Kim,
    Here’s a big hug for you and for your Daddy. You are lucky to have him around to hug.
    I wish I could still hug my Dad.
    Your story always grips my heart.
    Anybody, including that creep that harasses you has no right to interfere with your decisions.
    Whilst they may have loved your sister a lot, it is still different to people who have actually lost their loved ones.
    Totally different.
    I wish more people understood and respected that.
    Stay safe Kim.
    Kisses.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 22, 2011 at 4:53 am

      ~~~Thanks, Petite.
      always love your blog 🙂 xxxx Sorry you can’t hug your daddy.

  • Reply
    Mercy
    March 22, 2011 at 1:33 am

    Hugs and Love.
    Mercy

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 22, 2011 at 4:54 am

      Back to you in Kenya. Just sent your birthday gift. 🙂 wow… you are getting real OLD. xxx luv U More

  • Reply
    Tara
    March 22, 2011 at 3:58 am

    Kim, I’m so sorry about that guy. I swear, some people have no tact whatsoever. Is he on drugs or something? Something ain’t right.

    Anyways, all I can say is I’m thinking of you constantly. I love you!

    Tara

  • Reply
    Maryellen & Chester
    March 22, 2011 at 4:29 am

    I do believe Chester sent the orange cat to your home. Chester wants you to share your love with his buddy. Hope to see you on the trail. We miss you and your Dad. Love you, Me & Chester

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 22, 2011 at 4:55 am

      I’m sending all the strays and misfits back to you, Maryellen & Chester 🙂 Miss U. xxxx

  • Reply
    cosmopolla
    March 22, 2011 at 6:52 am

    Dear Kim. All I can see is that your prose slowly evolves into poetry. All I can say is that I wish I could hug you in real. Many hugs and much love from here. Alex

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 22, 2011 at 9:49 am

      ~~~~Dear Alex in Germany? Right?
      I feel your hug xxxxxxxx

  • Reply
    Dad
    March 22, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    Kim, just got done with dinner, we had chicken wings, cole slaw, and polished off your cheese macoroni, it was delicious.
    About that creep————– he better quit bothering you.Thanks for the picture of Kay and I (LOVE IT)
    LOVE YOU SO MUCH
    Daddy

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 22, 2011 at 3:58 pm

      I do thank God we have each other…but our lives
      will never be complete without Kay…I miss the three
      of us being together… walking, laughing, arguing about politics…and just loving loving loving.
      Oh, I shall never be whole again. Never completely happy again..
      But I love you more than you will ever know, Daddy … So so so much:)

  • Reply
    elizabeth
    March 22, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    Love you. elizabeth

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    March 23, 2011 at 1:46 am

    I’m so sorry to hear about that awful man that has been harassing you. What a terrible situation and I hope someone talks some sense into him-either that or the police!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 23, 2011 at 5:59 am

      Dear L.
      He is a creeep. the world is filled with them…one of
      them shot my sister.
      Have I told you that you R Awesome ??!!

  • Reply
    Blond Duck
    March 23, 2011 at 4:08 am

    I’ve always wanted to roast a chicken. I hope you feel better soon. I’ve been stalked and it sucks!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 23, 2011 at 5:58 am

      Blonde Duck,
      Come have some Chicken 🙂 xxx

  • Reply
    Tia
    March 23, 2011 at 6:00 am

    Kim,

    I will always have your back! I wish I could have protected Kay, I miss her so much!

    I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Tia

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 23, 2011 at 6:04 am

      T…I wish we would have broken every one of the monster’s fingers before he killed Kay.
      I love you more than chocolate lava cakes. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Reply
    Kim Marshall
    March 23, 2011 at 10:17 am

    Kim,
    Since I left Duluth the last time I was there I have been talking with someone that has been helping me deal with my pain. I denied and hid it for so many years that I couldn’t deal with the way the pain overwhelmed me after the death of my brother. She said something to me that has helped me many times since, “Tears are God’s gift to us, and they help us remember who we are.” She told me that I could cry, get angry, swear, and scream, but that it was important that I did something to let out the grief I so deeply felt.

    I have tried writing about it, but it seemed to consume me. I finally realized that talking was the best thing I could do. I have laid my head in my wife’s lap many nights and cried myself to sleep. She has been an angle, and listened to me more than I could have hoped for. I have cried for our sweet Kay as well. You and Kay never knew how much I adored your friendship when we were kids. It is something I will always cherish. I hope that one day you will come to a point of balance in your life between the pain and happiness. I know the pain never goes away, and I pray for you that it will subside enough for you to be happy.

    Your friend always, Kim

  • Reply
    kim sisto robinson
    March 23, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    ~~Kim,
    your words are beautiful.
    For me, writing has continually been my release…
    I Never hold back.
    It has saved me to an extent thru the years.
    I am happy that you found balance & peace.
    I’ve come to the conclusion that one needs to live with the pain…
    and little rays of light sometimes shine.
    Not sure how to live w/out K.
    I will never be completely happy without her…This I know to be true.
    Your friendship was beautiful in those days.
    Kay and I both adored you.
    xx
    K.

  • Reply
    KIm M
    March 26, 2011 at 9:40 am

    Kim,
    I understand your belief that you can never be completely happy without Kay, but I have to disagree, and I pray that I am correct.
    When I lost my sister Penny in the fire I had lost my best friend as well as my closest sister.
    She and Kim Fagon were the only people that truly understood who I was, I was a lost teenager, and Penny was the only one I could talk to.
    She was always able to put my feet back on the ground, and settle my feelings, so her loss was the most devastating of all.
    Now that I have grown to be a man I have finally been able to come to grips with the losses I have been given I feel like I am in a euphoria of happiness.
    I am able to have dreams where I sit with Penny, and we talk for hours. She tells me that she is happy and that I should be happy as well, and I should live out the rest of my life this way. I am sure that Kay would want the same for you.
    My wife tells me that she has never dreamed about her mother after her death, so I feel blessed that God has given me this gift to be able to visit my loved ones in my dreams. When I wake from these dreams I always feel good about the time I have spent with them, and I never feel hurt or regret having them.
    You are a wonderful person, and I hope that one day you can feel happy as I do. Kay will never be forgotten, and her beautiful smile is etched in my mind. Think of all of the beautiful moments the two of you spent together, and I believe this will lead you back to the happiness you deserve.
    I apologize for waiting so long to contact you about your loss, and if I have been rambling on, but I have wanted to call you and express these thoughts to you since the day of your loss, but I find it easier to tell you in writing.
    I can see in your writings the pain you are in, and I sit here wishing I could do something to ease your pain.
    God bless you and take care, Kim

  • Reply
    Page Nondorf
    April 2, 2011 at 10:59 am

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  • Reply
    Kim M
    December 12, 2011 at 10:20 am

    Hey Sista still miss ya!!! I wish I could meet this guy in a back ally. I know that violence is never the answer, but I’d love to give him a swift kick in the ass. Hope to get back to Duluth soon, and I’d like to see you!
    Ur friend always, Kim

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