“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted“— Matthew 5:4
DAY ONE: I’m a contradiction.
I say one thing and do another.
I think one thought, but then just as quickly, it dissolves into oblivion (wherever the hell that is.)
For example: I begin to pray like this: The Lord is my Shephard; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pasture; He leads me beside the still water….
……then I drift off. then I forget. then I start again
People ask, “How are you, Kim?”
I say, “Okay.”
But I’m not. I’m not. I’m not. NOT
It’s all a big fat ugly lie.
And in all honestly, they don’t want to hear the truth.
DAY TWO: The other day somebody at work announced, “Life is good!”
….. Uncomfortable Silence.
Then, assuming I didn’t hear her, she stares me square in the face and repeats, “Life is good!”
I had no words. No bits of wisdom. No positive zen response. :::::Sigh::::Inhale:::::::Exhale:::
…. But here’s what I wanted to say:
Life is NOT GOOD.
My sister was executed. Shot three times in the head. She’s dead. She’s not with me. She’s not with her boys.
She’s inside a coffin covered with dirt. I have to visit her at the cemetery. I have to visit her in my dreams. I have to visit her in my memories.
My roots have been yanked out, my blood has turned cold, my heart has been ripped and tossed out of my body.
….days and nights melt simultaneously without separation.
NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP & keep your good & perfect life to yourself.” (sorry, daddy, I had to say the F word again.)
Kay Marie, 2010.
DAY THREE: Bought another cook book.
Hubby exclaims, “Another Cook Book! What’s up with all the cook books? Aren’t you addicted to red wine anymore?”
“Ha Ha.” I say.
But seriously, there’s something sublimely beautiful about scanning through photos of red velvet cake with double cream cheese frosting, braised lamb in red chili broth, cheese and rosemary polenta, cashew-dusted spiced duck breast, and white chocolate cheese cake.
I don’t know. Cookbooks fill me up in a particular way….
….Something like a Mary Oliver poem.
DAY FOUR: Finally went back to church.
Were you waiting for me, God? Were you wondering if I left You?
Were you wondering why you haven’t heard me praise your name like I used to, lift my arms in joyfulness like I used to, love you like I used to?
— I’ve been kind of, sort of—wondering where you’ve been…..
…wondering why you left me here without Kay…. WHY would you do that?
DAY FIVE: I incessantly write the same narratives. Over over over over again
Case in point: MORNINGS SUCK ROTTEN GOOD FOR NOTHIN’ EGGS!
The same shit.
The same reality.
like watching the identical movie and expecting a different ending.
Or waking up from a nightmare and announcing loudly, “OoooH, thank God that was simply a dream.”
Only I’m awake. Wiiiide awake.
and it’s all true.
It’s all real—-Everything that has happened.
The clocks truly stopped. The earth truly darkened.
Kay is not coming back.
DAY SIX: Okay. Seriously, I’ve been using my cookbooks.
Not just coveting the mouth-watering photos of Triple Caramel Lava Cake!
I actually made Chicken Marsalla for Sunday Dinner.
And let me tell ya….that’s quiet sophisticated and elegant for a girl who usually makes a Sunday Pot Roast.
YAaaaWWWN. Boooooring. Soooooo Kim.
It’s quite pleasing pouring sherry into a pan, marsala wine, melting sweet golden butter & watching it simmer.
It looked something like this: well, a little like that.
DAY SEVEN: Planning a walk/run with the Domestic Abuse
Chapter in Duluth for Sunday, May 22. It will be in memory of my sweet, Kay.
The T-Shirts will have big pink lips with her dates.
The date she was born & the date the monster decided to stop her heart.
~~~~~~~~~For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.
click here NOW >http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/
~~~~~~~The walk/run will be on the Waterfront Trail. More details to follow…..