In Memory of Kay

Blessed Are Those Who Mourn


 

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted“— Matthew 5:4

 

DAY ONE:                       I’m a contradiction.
 
I say one thing and do another.
 
I think one thought, but then just as quickly,  it dissolves into oblivion (wherever the hell that is.)
 
For example:  I begin to pray like this:      The Lord is my Shephard;  I shall not want.  He makes me lie down in green pasture;  He leads me beside the still water….


 
……then I drift off.     then I forget.     then I start again
 
People ask, “How are you, Kim?”
 
I say, “Okay.”
 
But I’m not.  I’m not.  I’m not.     NOT

It’s all a big fat ugly lie.  
 
And in all honestly,  they don’t  want to hear the truth. 
 
 
DAY TWO:           The other day  somebody at work announced,  “Life is good!”  
 
   ….. Uncomfortable Silence.
 
Then, assuming I didn’t hear her,  she stares me square in the face and repeats,   “Life is good!”
 
  I had no words.  No bits of wisdom.  No positive zen response.    :::::Sigh::::Inhale:::::::Exhale:::
 
  …. But here’s what I wanted to say:
 
No! 

 Life is NOT GOOD. 

My sister was executed.  Shot three times in the head.   She’s dead.  She’s not with me.  She’s not with her boys.

She’s inside a coffin covered with dirt.   I have to visit her at the cemetery.  I have to visit her in my dreams.  I have to visit her in my memories.

   My roots have been yanked out, my blood has turned cold, my heart has been ripped and tossed out of  my body.

….days and nights melt simultaneously without separation.

NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP & keep your good & perfect life to yourself.”     (sorry, daddy, I had to say the F word again.)

Kay Marie, 2010.

DAY THREE:               Bought another cook book.

Hubby exclaims, “Another Cook Book!  What’s up with all the  cook books? Aren’t you addicted to red wine anymore?”

“Ha  Ha.”  I say.

But seriously, there’s something sublimely beautiful about scanning through photos of red velvet cake with double cream cheese frosting, braised lamb in red chili broth, cheese and rosemary polenta, cashew-dusted spiced duck breast, and white chocolate cheese cake.

I don’t know.    Cookbooks fill me up in a particular way….

….Something   like a Mary Oliver poem.

DAY FOUR:                     Finally went back to church.  

Were you waiting for me, God?   Were you wondering if I left You?

Were you wondering why you haven’t heard me praise your name like I used to, lift my arms in joyfulness like I used to, love you like I used to?

— I’ve been kind of,  sort of—wondering where you’ve been…..

…wondering why you left me here without Kay….   WHY would you do that?

DAY FIVE:                I incessantly write the same narratives.        Over over over over again

Case in point:    MORNINGS SUCK ROTTEN GOOD FOR NOTHIN’ EGGS!

The same shit.     

The same reality.

 like watching the identical movie and expecting a different ending.

Or waking up from a nightmare and announcing loudly, “OoooH, thank  God that was simply a dream.”

Only I’m awake.  Wiiiide awake.

and it’s all true.   

It’s all  real—-Everything that has happened.

The clocks truly stopped.  The earth truly darkened. 

Kay is not coming back.

 

DAY SIX:                 Okay.  Seriously, I’ve been using my cookbooks.

Not just coveting the mouth-watering photos of Triple Caramel Lava Cake!

I actually made Chicken Marsalla for Sunday Dinner.

And let me tell ya….that’s quiet sophisticated and elegant for a girl who usually makes a Sunday Pot Roast.

YAaaaWWWN.     Boooooring.    Soooooo Kim.

It’s quite pleasing pouring sherry into a pan, marsala wine,  melting sweet golden butter & watching it simmer.

It looked something like this:    well, a little like that.   chicken-marsala

DAY SEVEN:                  Planning a walk/run with the Domestic Abuse

Chapter in Duluth for Sunday, May 22.   It will be in memory of my sweet, Kay.  

 The T-Shirts will have big pink lips with her dates. 

Pink Glitter Lips

 

       The date she was born & the date the monster decided to stop her heart.

My Sister, Best Friend, & Soul Mate was murdered by Mike Peterson on May 26, 2010.  Nothing remains the same.    Love love love.    Always.      Forever.   Without End.

~~~~~~~~~For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

click here NOW >http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/

~~~~~~~The walk/run will be on the Waterfront Trail.  More details to follow…..


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34 Comments

  • Reply
    debbie
    March 16, 2011 at 10:47 pm

    My dearest Kim,

    I was just getting done reading some netwok blogs
    & decided to see if your FB page had info on walk/
    run, when I saw you posted a new one for me to
    read!! My mom told me walk/run was on March 22nd
    & your mom told her !! hmmmm I wonder which one
    got info wrong!!LOL I will do anything I can to help, so
    let me know,ok? I love you with all my heart!!
    Debbie XXXOOO

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 17, 2011 at 5:41 am

      oh, you can help, Deb.
      I shall let you know details as I know them.
      i love you cuz you’re so beautiful. xxx

  • Reply
    Tara
    March 17, 2011 at 3:42 am

    “The clocks truly stopped. The earth truly darkened.”

    Wow. I swear, when some certain people are taken from us, the world truly does change. It’s bigger, scarier, and colder. And it never goes back to what it used to feel like.

    Kim, definitely read that excerpt I sent you on Facebook. I think it’s interesting that (just as you wrote this) something (or Someone, rather) provoked me to share it with you. I think you can relate to a lot of what Sister Faustina said, not to mention Christ’s words. I know they moved me to tears more than once.

    The best thing about Him is He never leaves us, even though we feel desolated by Him. He is also able to empathize completely and intimately with whatever we’re going through, as His human self underwent all these trials and more. Just trust that whatever you’re feeling and wherever you are in you’re life, you’re exactly where He wants you to be. He is at work in you, although you can sense only darkness.

    I love you, Kim. And feel free to share more of those decadent recipes with us! 🙂

    Tara

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 17, 2011 at 5:43 am

      ~~~~~Tara, If God were not with me…
      I would have disappeared already.
      Your kindeness & words have moved me, spurred me forward.
      luv to you. Always. xx

  • Reply
    Amy
    March 17, 2011 at 4:26 am

    I think a hug from you and some chicken marsala (my FAVE) is worth the plane ticket to come and see you! Or perhaps I should drag you to the wilds of Costa Rica where there are several empty beaches where you can just stand and scream and scream and scream at the sky. xoxo

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 17, 2011 at 5:44 am

      ~~Oh, Amy,
      You continually say the right words.
      love love love . xxxx

  • Reply
    Amanda
    March 17, 2011 at 5:20 am

    Dive deeper into the cookbooks, they sound a bit healing for you. Although nothing will ever heal the loss.

    I’m so sorry for your loss. The fact that it happened in such a unnecessary and violent manner must make the scar that much worse.

    I wish there was something perfect to be said that would make a difference. I love that you are planning a walk, what a positive way to remember your sister.

    Take care.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 17, 2011 at 5:45 am

      ~~Amanda,
      Yes, planning the walk, cooking, and distractions, distractions.
      The healing will Never be complete.
      Thanks for your lovely words. XXX

  • Reply
    Alina
    March 17, 2011 at 6:41 am

    Can I give you a great big hug?!

    Miss you…

  • Reply
    Mercy
    March 17, 2011 at 8:01 am

    Love you Kim.
    Mercy

  • Reply
    Karen Sosnoski
    March 17, 2011 at 8:24 am

    My heart is breaking for you, Kim. Your creativity (writing, cooking) continues to erupt along with your grief which may be a saving grace in the long run, but I hear that right now this is no compensation at all for your lost sister. I don’t really know what to say. I’m just very, very sorry you have to go through this and grateful, as always, that you have the ability and will to share what you’re going through. XO

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 17, 2011 at 9:28 am

      Karen, your words have continually moved me.
      I am sorry that I need to go though this, as well…
      “Man Must Live.”
      Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, that’s the rub…
      xxxx Kisses

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    March 17, 2011 at 8:46 am

    Kim your strength will inspire many as well as your honesty. Keep strong Kim! 🙂

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 17, 2011 at 9:29 am

      ~~L.
      I am trying…. moving one high heel in front of the other.
      I thank you for your blog of lush distractions, Sweet Nigella.
      xxx

  • Reply
    Dad
    March 17, 2011 at 1:28 pm

    KIM————- I loved your chicken marsalla and those delicious lemon bars. Don’t stop cooking I love it.
    About your F words or any other words, it’s ok with me, just get your feelings out.
    Love you always
    Dad

  • Reply
    kim sisto robinson
    March 17, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    ~~~~~~oh, you are such a daddy.
    thanks for loving me just as i am.
    looooooooooooooooooooooooooove U!

  • Reply
    Angie
    March 17, 2011 at 4:49 pm

    Kim,

    I would love to participate in the walk/run as would I’m sure a bunch of the other girls from the Twin Ports Clinic. If you could let us know the details as well we would love to remember Kay with you on that day!

    ((HUGS))

    Angie

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 17, 2011 at 8:56 pm

      Angie, i will let you know (FOR SURE).

      thank you for wanting to participate. xxxx Kim.

  • Reply
    Irene
    March 17, 2011 at 6:18 pm

    OMG, I am SO sorry about your sister! There are no words that can make you feel better for your loss. Only time will help ease the pain some what, but she is in your heart. ((((HUGS)))).

    If cookbooks are your vice, then go for it! I make Chicken Marsala sometimes. I LOVE IT! All the mushrooms and TONS of BUTTER! I serve it with a side of spaghetti and a salad!

    Thank you for visiting my blog! I hope you come back again. Bring chocolate! LOL!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 17, 2011 at 8:59 pm

      Hey, Irene,

      I will be back to visit your site…. thank you for you kind words xxxx Kisses

  • Reply
    Charlene
    March 17, 2011 at 8:43 pm

    Beautiful Kim. Just beautiful. Beautiful words from a beautiful person about a beautiful person. You always move me.

  • Reply
    kim sisto robinson
    March 17, 2011 at 8:57 pm

    Charlene, I can’t wait to meet you IN PERSON> xxxx K.

  • Reply
    Karen Sosnoski
    March 18, 2011 at 11:00 am

    Kim, I can’t help noticing you’ve got a great Dad! (Loved his comment to you.) Karen

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 18, 2011 at 11:54 am

      Look under “DAD” in the Webster’s Dictionary and you shall see my daddy’s photo 🙂

      Thanks for all of your beautiful words, Karen xxxxx

  • Reply
    Rachel
    March 18, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    So very sorry for your loss. The only solace is that he cannot touch her any more. But that is the true heartbreak for you too.

    So sorry.

  • Reply
    Kim Sisto-Robinson
    March 18, 2011 at 4:13 pm

    ~~~Yes, that is true, Rachel. She is finally away from the monster…
    That is a bit of comfort…but not much, cuz I WANT HER BACK.

    Thanks for reading !! xxx

  • Reply
    natalee
    March 19, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    kim…. i just read your whole blog and tears are flowing.. in this hour.. i have two sisters who are my world and i cant even imagine… so you grieve… you wail.. you curse you use your cookbooks and you heal and dont let anyone tell you otherwise…. im glad you found my blog because now i am your newest follower…. my prayers and thoughts are with you my new new friend… hugs

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 19, 2011 at 2:19 pm

      ~~I’ve been crying for 9 strait months, Natalee.
      My sister was my life, my best friend, my soul mate.
      Thank you for your kind words.
      Go kiss your sisters immediately. 🙂 xx

  • Reply
    Classic NYer
    March 19, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    That’s deep… I’ve been a victim of domestic violence myself, but my story had a happier ending… this makes me want to take a metal pipe to the heads of all the low-life creeps in the world who think it’s okay to be violent towards women. (That’s not a healthy response, is it?) I’m sorry for your loss, and I’m wafting healing peace in your direction.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 19, 2011 at 2:21 pm

      ~~~~ NYer,
      Yes, lets get some pipes and kick some ass. I’m all for it…..
      I only wish I would have broken all of his fingers before he could pick up a gun.
      Oh, only if I could turn back time. Only if….
      Thanks for reading. xxXX

  • Reply
    Deb Semmelroth
    March 23, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    Kim-
    the pain and suffering of the survivors- the pain and suffering of women who are frozen in their places as wife. I would be honored to join in on the walk in pursuit of waving awareness of domestic violence.
    Please know you all are in our thoughts and prayers as you all walk the journey of grief- not a pleasant road but necessary to go through rather than avoiding it. Hugs to u all…
    Deb

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 23, 2011 at 7:38 pm

      Dear, Deb,
      Yes, the pain & suffering. Sometimes (no, most the times) it’s just
      too much….isn’t it? It’s all so surreal…so much hurting.
      The walk will be on May 22…I will let you know more as soon
      as I go to the next meeting. xxxx Think of you often.

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