In Memory of Kay

Must I Cry Out To You In The Darkness?


 

–There is no grief like the grief that does not speak–Henry Wordsworth Longfellow

 Lovely K. Marie.   My best friend.

DAY ONE:          Women are such nurturers. 

They all want to wrap their arms around you and take the boo-boo away.  They want to give you advice and make you okay. They want to soothe you, hold you, and bandage you up.

I love them for that.     I love love love them for that.

But to be quite honest,  the pain is still there…and MY sister is not.

She is not.  She is not.    Damn it damn it damn damnit damn fuck

… intellectually and logically I understand:     “Life goes on…God has a purpose…Time heals…She’s free….She’s liberated…Man must Live.

I get it.       I fucking get it.     Seriously, I’m not totally insane.

But I’m alone. I’m half.  I’m partially here.

At least, that’s what it feels like some days.  That’s what it feels like without a sister.

Who can I whisper my secrets to?  Who will ever love me like that?

 

DAY TWO:          Prose has always saved me.

Poetry has always consoled me.

Nabokov.  Li-Young Lee.  Oliver.   Plath.  Nin.   Michaels.  Adhiambo.    Berg.  Kafka.  Lamott.   Dickenson.   Goldberg.  Frost.  Keats.  Gluck.  Minot.  Bissell.  Sexton.

How can I ever compensate all of you for  your luxurious, liquid language?

How can I ever thank you for sublime syllables which, for me,  have become words with  willowy wings?

 

DAY THREE:         It’s been 9 months, 1 week,  and 3 days since Kay’s murder. 

 Susie, K, & Kim

It’s been an infinity.

It’s been a split second in time.

Sometimes I forget her voice.  That voice like sugar flowing out.  That voice that repeatedly said– “Kimmie, I love you.  I love you.  I love you”

It’s been Hell on Earth if you want the truth.  It’s been shadowy & shitty.

Yeah,    I’m still not sure how to live without complete light.

DAY FOUR:         I tell the same stories over and over again.    (Right, Tia?)

…And they all end in the same way, with the same damn conclusion.

   My sister is dead, dead, dead.

I observed the flames, but stood and watched. 

I saw the warning signs, but held out my hand to the abuser.

I became part of the dysfunction

….like a lobster on slow simmer; like a idealist awaiting change.

    He never changed.  Never changed.

Why did I do that?

 I should have broken his legs so he couldn’t walk…broken his fingers so he couldn’t pick up a gun.

 

DAY FIVE:           Still Waters  &  Distractions. 

     More. 

It’s appears that food, especially when combined with beautiful description & decadence, brings me into another breadth, another veracity.

   Frosting.  Simmering.  Cutting.  Boiling.  Creating.

The sweet scent of  pretty pink and billowy brown and wintry white.

Escapism.  A break from reality.

I had to go all the way to Australia find my latest obsession and favorite blog:   Not Quite Nigella

                              

DAY SIX:             Saint Shirley feeds us  with chocolate cake, chocolate chip cookies &

hot cinnamon rolls.

This is her poetry.  This is her art. 

She is the epitome of “Mother.”

She is the essence of “Seraph.”

 

DAY SEVEN:            I know something.

I know that God would not leave me here without Kay for a damn good reason.

Tell me your reason, GOD.  Tell me why you’d leave me unaccompanied by my best friend. Trapped inside  this outrageous universe.

Must I fall on my knees all day long?     Must I cry out to you in the darkness?

By the way,  I never stopped believing…I only stopped hoping that things would remain unchanged.My best friend was Murdered on May 26, 2010 by Mike Peterson.  The world darkenened.  The universe weighs less.  So much less.

For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

click here NOW >http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/


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29 Comments

  • Reply
    debbie
    March 10, 2011 at 8:49 pm

    My dear Kim,

    I love that last picture of her with the Nike sweatshirt on her deck. She was beautiful inside and out. People who never knew Kay might think we say that because she has died , and people always seem to find and speak the best of someone when they die. But our beautiful Kay Marie was an angel,she was just so wonderful. This world needs more angels. I just don’t know why her time on earth had to be done. I try to remember where she is and who she’s with. And that she’s not with Mike Peterson!!
    Love Forever, Deb
    XXXOOO

  • Reply
    susan
    March 10, 2011 at 9:13 pm

    Kim- I am sending you hugs… Letting you know a little bit of the love that you feel for Kay , shines out into the world to places you cannot imagine and is doing things you cannot imagine… and it comes back to you, from all of us who stand in awe of your power and the depth of your love and grief. The poetry that saved you is allowing you to save others; a sad compensation for your loss, but it is the truth. I know you miss her with every fiber of your being… but the world still needs you, Kim. Hang in there, ok? xxoo S

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 10, 2011 at 11:30 pm

      ~~~Susan,
      how can the sun still shine when one is in so much pain? I ask myself this.
      But It is people like you that spur me forward…and of course, Poetry, Words, Family, Friends, and Love love love. xxx Kisses blown to you right this minute.

  • Reply
    debbie
    March 10, 2011 at 10:11 pm

    My dear kim,

    I must ellaborate on what your friend Susan tells you. Not only does the world still need you, and I need you, and your boys need you and your brother and mother and dad need you,and of course your wonderful husband,but Kay is counting on you to be there for her boys at those times when she cannot & to make sure they have their mother’s touch in all of the important events that their future holds. They will be graduating college, buying homes, getting married,and having babies. She wouldn’t expect any less from you I’m afraid. She spoiled & loved her boys with everything she had, she was so proud of them. So now you have 5 sons.
    Love You So Much!!
    Deb
    XXXOOO

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 10, 2011 at 11:31 pm

      ~~~Yes, I know. I know all of this.
      But it still sucks eggs. It still sucks without Kay.
      Love you, Debbie. You have never left me. You have never judged me. Thank you. XXX K.

  • Reply
    Kelly
    March 10, 2011 at 10:20 pm

    Your helping me…. You have inspired and saved SO many. I am sure that is not much comfort with what you have lost. I just want you to know I just wish with ALL my heart you didn’t have to lose your beautiful Kay. I keep wondering why we thank God for the good that happens but not the bad? Maybe He used her death to bring others to Him?? Anything that God sends at us he will bring us through and he will use you to prove to others JUST WHO HE IS. I admire and learn from your Faith in him. ANYBODY who has lost what you have and can say they never stopped believing is amazing. You amazing Kim have taught me what true Faith is! Maybe it is true that God takes us to spare us from a lot of earthly things. He calls us home when he feels our work her on earth is done. I have to believe that God has a plan… and I have to trust God to make the decission because He has access to info I do not. I have never been a “church person” (Tia can contest to that LOL), I have always beleived in a higher power. But through your heart, your eyes, your soul and unfortunatley (sp) your pain you have made me understand Him a little clearer

    NEVER stop writing, NEVER stop believing, NEVER stop remembering…..

    Love Love Love!!!

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 10, 2011 at 11:33 pm

      ~~Kelly,
      ~~~You are a girl after my own heart.
      love love love. Always. xxx K.

  • Reply
    Mercy
    March 11, 2011 at 4:49 am

    Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful.

    Love you Kim.

    Hugs.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 11, 2011 at 6:42 am

      ~~~did you notice that you were one of my fave writers? Love love love you,
      my Kenyan Beauty. 🙂

  • Reply
    Amy
    March 11, 2011 at 5:19 am

    Every time I read your words, Kim, EVERY time, I feel something. Whether it’s laughter, pain, confusion, I feel it. Your writing has always made me *feel,* but every time I read what you write about Kay, I find myself nodding. I find myself with my hand over my heart, nodding and feeling the tears well up in my eyes. I can never claim to understand what God’s plans are (if I even believe that He has any. . .I call that whole “plan” thing into question, with frequency.), but I do know that He had something to do with me ever even knowing who you are. I read a LOT of stuff on “teh intrawebz,” but what you write has always been so dear to my heart. I love you to pieces and it breaks my heart that you are having to feel the pain you feel now. I’m sending you lots and lots of love my dear. Lots of it. xoxo

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 11, 2011 at 6:46 am

      ~~Amy,
      You nod because you have walked through the darkness, too.
      This is why your empahty is so deep deep deep.
      Who could possible understand Hell unless they have experienced it?
      You have. You have.
      I feel my heart connected to yours. Love love love U. x

  • Reply
    Heavenly Housewife
    March 11, 2011 at 5:24 am

    This is horrible :(, I cant imagine the grief of having to loose someone to murder!!! May you find peace daaaaahling, even if it is through indulging in the goodness that are fat laden calories.
    My heart is with u.
    *kisses* HH

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 11, 2011 at 6:51 am

      Dear HH, Yes, calories help…cuz they give a bit of pleasure!
      xxx Thanks for stopping by…

  • Reply
    Blond Duck
    March 11, 2011 at 5:36 am

    I’m so, sorry. My heart breaks for you.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 11, 2011 at 6:47 am

      ~~~~Blonde Duck.
      I walk one day at a time.
      sometimes, that’s all one can do.
      Thanks for your thoughts. xx

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    March 11, 2011 at 5:46 am

    A sad, beautiful post Kim. Kay meant the world to you and that is clear. Thankyou for your kind words, you are so thoughtful thinking of someone else when you are in so much pain. I’m very, very sorry about Kay x

  • Reply
    Dad
    March 11, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    My Lovly Kim
    If I were to write about KAY, I would fill pages & pages. Just to know that I loved her with all my heart
    But I do miss her calling me and saying lets call Kim and see if she wants to go for a walk on the
    trail, and you were always willing to go. I do miss that so so so much.
    Love Love Love YOU

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 11, 2011 at 4:17 pm

      — i will NEVER stop missing missing missing and longing for my sister.
      Never as long as i live.
      it is so hard, isn’t it daddy?
      that our lives ended up like this…that we do not have our angel, our nurturer, our dearest dearest love.
      xxx i love you more.

  • Reply
    Charlene
    March 11, 2011 at 5:35 pm

    Sending you my love Kim and wrapping my arms around you from far, far away.
    Love…love…LOVE

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 11, 2011 at 6:21 pm

      ~~~~And I am hugging you back, my dear Charlene…xxxx

  • Reply
    Tara
    March 12, 2011 at 5:19 am

    I’m sorry I’m just now reading this, Kim. I’ve been out of the loop.

    I know you’ve heard a lot of words from people who love you, but none of them will change the reality that your sister is gone. Believe me, if I had some magic words that would bring her back, I would’ve said them months ago. YOU would’ve said them months ago. But no one could’ve seen this coming. If we could, we would’ve done exactly as you said…broken the a-hole’s legs and fingers.

    That’s the sad part about this world…nothing is permanent. We were made by Love, for love. And because we’re made of love, we develop bonds with one another. Bonds which (at some point) get broken in one fashion or another. When this happens, we hurt. By golly, do we hurt.

    The only comfort we have is in knowing there is a place where love lasts forever, and these broken bonds are once again mended. You can’t help but question this when someone dear to you dies, but as I said in one of my blogs, God would not have come down and died in our place if He wasn’t legit. More than just a sacrifice, He wanted to prove to us that there is something greater out there; our dying is not an ending, but an incredible beginning.

    I don’t know where I’m going with this. I just want to say once again that I’m sorry for the pain you’re doing through. But I assure you that one day, in this life or the next, you will smile again.

    I love you,
    Tara

  • Reply
    kim sisto robinson
    March 12, 2011 at 8:07 am

    ~~Tara, I always savor your words.
    We both love God….But damn, I just don’t like Him right now…
    I don’t understand Him.
    And I miss, miss, miss my dearest soulmate all day long.
    We will all meet again…I know this so deeply to be true,
    But I still hurt. I still feel pain…and I need to live with this.
    Man Must LIve.
    Luv U, Sweet girl.

  • Reply
    Where TO Get Backlinks
    March 12, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    Amazing freakin blog here. I almost cried while reading it!

  • Reply
    Tia
    March 12, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    Kim,
    I love you and I love talking about Kay. Even the same stories over and over because I miss her so much. I do not know what I would do without you. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Tia

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 12, 2011 at 9:39 pm

      ~~~~~~~~~~What would i ever do without you?
      Who else would listen to my sobbing and pain all day long? xxxxx Luv U

  • Reply
    Jordan
    March 17, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    I remember taking that last photo of her on our deck. She kept persisting that I take a photo of her for facebook and so I did and I swear not one picture was good enough for her. She just wanted to be looking beautiful every second and in my eyes she was the most gorgeous girl I have layed my eyes upon. I miss you so much mom.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 17, 2011 at 9:04 pm

      ~~~~~Jordon,

      I love you. My heart is broken. I cry for you and all of us.

      I miss our angel. so so so so so so much.
      Love. Love. Love. Always. Forever.

  • Reply
    Roasted Garlic
    March 28, 2011 at 11:13 am

    Kudos for the great piece of writing. I am glad I have taken the time to read this.

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