~~You left, and my heart is a ceaseless sermon of loneliness. ~Jaesse Tyler
DAY ONE: Went to Minneapolis with Dave.
He said, “We can talk about Kay all the way down to Minneapolis, but once we get there—-lets take a break.”
I did it. Or at least, I tried.
Every once in a while, I started my sentences with “Kay would have….”
But then stopped.
We went to Brit’s Pub for dinner. I had chicken marsala. Dave had bangers & mash. I should have ordered the bangers & mash.
Went back to the hotel and drank several Pink Martinis here:
Romance. Sweet- Still Waters. Distractions. More.
Only if life could always be pink, filled with Martinis…. and continually beautiful.
DAY TWO: Off all week for Winter Break.
I used to savor being home over long breaks.
But now days are lonely without being able to call Kay, go for coffee, talk about nothing, talk about everything, discuss God, goals, & gossip about all of you.
Mostly, we just loved one another. Just loved, loved, loved. Never stopped loving.
DAY THREE: Went for lunch with my hero, dad.
Of course, the conversation leads to Kay. Always back to Kay. Always. Forever.
How much we miss her.
That face. Those Angelina Jolie Lips blowing kisses. The love flowing whenever she arrived.
Consider this…. ….Living without the Sun.
DAY FOUR: Sad. Sobbing. Salt
seeping inside my mouth.
Sinking inside black today. Sinking inside isolation. Fucking sinking.
It’s been 9 months & 6 days since Kay’s Murder.
And Everything reminds me.
The silver belt she bought from Texas, her size 7 jeans she finally fit into, her numerous pink lipsticks that I shall never throw away, her winter white boots laying unworn.
Nothing remains the same.
Why the hell did I assume it would?
DAY FIVE: Mornings are HEllllllllllllLL.
However once I get up, the distractions begin.
The cats need to be fed. The calls need to be finished. The coffee needs to be made. The makeup needs to be smeared, rubbed, applied.
I need more than I used to.
I need miracles. I need a mask to put on in the morning. I need feathers. I need to shave my head. I need red lipstick.
I need, need, need….
I need to figure out why God left me in this crazy, ridiculous, insane world without Kay.
DAY SIX: Stray cats keep coming to my house.
We already brought two of them to Animal Allies…. and Obama, (who Kay named) to the :
I want to save all of them.
The insidious little creatures must be telling their friends to come over, cause I saw another big fat orange one sitting at my front door this morning.
Dave is going to divorce me if I feed one more cat, befriend one more cat.
I may be single soon.
I don’t get it. I find those words quite offensive.
How can my life EVER be better without my sister? How? How????
How can life be better with a partial heart, a partial soul, a partial root?
I used to think the scene from Jerry McGuire was ludicrous when Tom Cruise told what’s-her-name that she completed him.
But that’s what Kay did for me.
~~~~I am now incomplete.
—-For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.
click here NOW >http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/