In Memory of Kay

Ceaseless Sermon of Loneliness


 
~~You left, and my heart is a ceaseless sermon of loneliness.  ~Jaesse Tyler

 

DAY ONE:          Went to Minneapolis with Dave.
He said, “We can talk about Kay all the way down to Minneapolis, but once we get there—-lets take a break.”


 
    I did it.     Or at least, I tried. 
 
 Every once in a while, I started my sentences with   “Kay would have….”
 
   But then stopped.
 
We went to Brit’s Pub for dinner.   I had chicken marsala.  Dave had bangers & mash.  I should have ordered the bangers & mash.

 
 Went back to the hotel and drank several Pink Martinis here:

 
     Romance.     Sweet- Still Waters.    Distractions.   More.
 
   Only if life could always be pink, filled with Martinis…. and continually beautiful.
 
 
DAY TWO:              Off all week for Winter Break.
 
I used to savor being home over long breaks.
 
But now days are lonely without being able to call Kay, go for coffee, talk about nothing, talk about everything, discuss God, goals, & gossip about all of you.
 
Mostly, we just loved one another.  Just loved, loved, loved.  Never stopped loving.
 
 
DAY THREE:           Went for lunch with my hero,  dad.

Of course, the conversation leads to Kay.  Always back to Kay.  Always.  Forever.

How much we miss her. 

That face.  Those Angelina Jolie Lips blowing kisses.  The love flowing whenever she arrived.

Consider this….   ….Living without the Sun.

 

 

DAY FOUR:                 Sad.    Sobbing.    Salt

seeping inside my mouth. 

Sinking inside black today.  Sinking inside isolation.  Fucking sinking.

    It’s been 9 months & 6 days since Kay’s Murder.

And Everything reminds me.

The silver belt she bought from Texas, her size 7 jeans she finally fit into, her numerous pink lipsticks that I shall never throw away, her winter white boots laying unworn.

Nothing remains the same.

Why the hell did I assume it would?

DAY FIVE:           Mornings are HEllllllllllllLL.

However once I get up, the distractions begin.

The cats need to be fed.  The calls need to be finished. The coffee needs to be made.   The  makeup needs to be smeared,  rubbed, applied. 

I need more than I used to.

I need miracles.  I need a mask to put on in the morning.  I need feathers.  I need  to shave my head.  I need red lipstick.     

 I need, need, need….

I need to figure out why God left me in this crazy, ridiculous, insane world without Kay.

 

DAY SIX:        Stray cats keep coming to my house. 

We already brought two of them to Animal Allies…. and Obama, (who Kay named) to the :

      Home for Life: Cats

Satchel on futonObama

I want to save all of them.  

The insidious little creatures  must be telling their friends to come over, cause I saw another big fat orange one sitting at my front door this morning.

Dave is going to divorce me if I feed one more cat, befriend one more cat.

I may be single soon. 

       Kim Sisto Robinson
DAY SEVEN:          Why do people declare life will get better?

I don’t get it.  I find those words quite offensive.

How can my life EVER be better without my sister?   How?  How????

How can  life be better with a partial heart,  a partial  soul, a partial root?

I used to think the scene from Jerry McGuire was ludicrous when Tom Cruise told what’s-her-name that she completed him.

But that’s what Kay did for me. 

~~~~I am now incomplete.

             My sister was murdered on May 26th 2010 by Mike Peterson.  The clocks stopped.  The world darkened.  Nothing remains the same.

—-For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

click here NOW >http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/


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36 Comments

  • Reply
    Mercy
    March 4, 2011 at 6:57 am

    Love you Kim. The cats are VERY beautiful. Love them.

    Love you more. Someday we will see Kay.
    Continue….
    To live. To hope. To love.
    Hugs.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 4, 2011 at 7:03 am

      ~~U don’t like Cats!

      Why does man need to live in pain?
      This is the question I ask myself.
      Anyhow…
      Loooove you like big fat fluffy tigers. xxx

  • Reply
    Mercy
    March 4, 2011 at 7:08 am

    Shhhhh! Shhhh! What is there NOT to love about these adorable creatures? I SO love cats.

    Man must live. I dont understand why man must live. I dont even know how man should live, nay, can live with pain as deep as yours…i dont know.

    What i know is that through it all, we must wake up each day and live. Very painful.

    One day we will understand!
    Until that day…
    We have to live.

  • Reply
    Debbie
    March 4, 2011 at 7:22 am

    Hi Kim,

    Love you!! Love cats!!
    Remember ” Clarise’ ” ? Kays stray cat, she named
    after grandma H.
    It’s hard to imagine pain so enormous being lived
    through or getting better, like people tell you. I think
    they mean you will cry a little less and smile a little more
    and somedays will be a combination ( biitersweet ). I still cry
    when I hear “Living on a prayer” by Bon Jovi cuz I danced with my
    precious Tina everytime it came on. Not knowing she was liv-
    ing on a prayer. That was 24 yrs. ago.

    XXXXXXXOOOOOOO
    Debbie

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 4, 2011 at 10:30 am

      ~~~Hey, my dear,
      It will NEVER be better w/ out Kay….only different.
      Once I meet her again, I will be complete, whole.
      I love you very much. xxx Kim
      PS. What about Tina? I don’t understand.

      • Reply
        Debbie
        March 4, 2011 at 10:56 am

        Do you remember when I had custody of Pete’s brother’s daghter? She was3 mos. & born without an esophagous? She died 10 days after they took her back, she was only 8 mos. then. I had just divoced Pete. Anyway, she was an angel, so I guess I should have known from the start. LOVE YOU SO SO MUCH!!!
        Debbie
        XOXOXO

  • Reply
    Amy
    March 4, 2011 at 7:27 am

    Meow-meow-meow-meow. That means “I la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-loooove youuuuuuuuuu!”

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 4, 2011 at 10:33 am

      ~~~And I laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave You, Amy. Meoooooooooooooooooow. XXXX

  • Reply
    Barbara Barth
    March 4, 2011 at 7:27 am

    Almost three years after the death of my husband I wake up every day and think, this is “my life” . A day does not go by that I don’t think of my new life without him, and yearn for that love and comfort I had. But I think we only have one life, and I don’t understand why he got sick and died, it was not in my game plan, but it happened. You learn to make a life and be happy you wake up each morning with a chance to make a difference to everyone you love. You wake up each day and live, love those around you, and love that you wake up and have something to give back to others. My mornings are greeted with six dogs. There is love all around. I will always miss my husband, that is a huge hole in my heart. But almost three years later I wake up smiling, happy I have a life I’ve created.

    You dear Kim, have love all around you, and have touched and helped women with your loss. You’ve opened up communication between women and for abused women. That is a very good reason to wake up and look at the day and feel good.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 4, 2011 at 10:32 am

      ~~~Barbara,
      I feel the love.
      I am walking through the fire. It’s Hard as Hell….
      but perhaps I’m here for a reason–like you said.
      Love Ya, K.
      Ps. Your strength is inspiring.

  • Reply
    Kelly
    March 4, 2011 at 8:16 am

    I want to take your hand, I want to hold you, I want to reach my fist into the gut of your body and grab that pain and yank it out, I want to take the horrible moments and replace them with only the happy ones!!! I want I want I want… I don’t have the gift of words like you do sweet Kim… mine are simple, usually misspelled but ALWAYS from my heart! I don’t think you realize what you have done for me and so many other women (some looking for that “something” others just getting smacked in the head with it). I can’t say “I know how you feel” but I can say, through the words you put on paper I feel every one of your emotions”. I feel like I grew up next to you and Beautiful Kay. When you write your stories of youth, I am standing right next to both of you laughing and smiling. A part of your wonderful world. You both have become such a big part of my life and I thank you for sharing!!!! Just by the gift of your writing I have come to love you with admiration, awe, humor and I hate to say it a little jealous (but a healthy jealousy… LOL) never stop writing, never stop reminding us, never stop remembering….

    “Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death from happening. No matter how hard death tries it can’t separate us from love. It can’t take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.”

    Love Love Love YOU!!!!

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 4, 2011 at 10:36 am

      ~~~Oh, Kelly,
      I am crying, crying, crying….
      and here I thought nobody loved me!
      You can write. I feel your words wrapping around me.
      Thank you for that. I have a feeling Kay would have really liked you…whomever you are!!!!
      love love love. xxxxx K.

  • Reply
    Maryellen & Chester
    March 4, 2011 at 8:40 am

    Now you know why I take in strays. It brings such comfort. Kay and you were and are so good to my cats. They miss you, and live on in Kay. Especially Chester the Molester!! Hoping to see you soon. P.S. We had lunch and beer at Brits Pub the same day you did. We left about 4:00 and walked around Nicollet Square until dinner time.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 4, 2011 at 10:39 am

      ~~~~~R U kidding? We got there about 5 or 6 I think.
      I miss Chester the Molester! And I miss seeing your beautiful face, too.
      Kisses to all of your strays, and of course, Stinky & Elvis.
      Your house & garden is like heaven on earth. Luv U. xxx

  • Reply
    Cheryl Lewis
    March 4, 2011 at 10:18 am

    What Mercy said may be one of the most profound things I have ever read – it is all TRUE. I have seen it in my sister’s life. I have seen it in Haiti. I live it in my own reality. It is as true as my enduring love for you, which is whole and real and true.

    “Man must live. I dont understand why man must live. I dont even know how man should live, nay, can live with pain as deep as yours…i dont know.

    What i know is that through it all, we must wake up each day and live. Very painful.

    One day we will understand!
    Until that day…
    We have to live.”

    Somewhere in there… sometimes, when we are very lucky and filled with God’s grace, we feel joyful, too.

  • Reply
    kim sisto robinson
    March 4, 2011 at 10:41 am

    ~~~~Yes, we must Live.
    And Living is so much harder than dying…isn’t it?????
    Cheryl, I love you. & your mission on this earth is beautiful.
    You are an angel. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Reply
    ubieranki
    March 4, 2011 at 11:36 am

    I will surely bookmark this. Great blog.

  • Reply
    elizabeth
    March 4, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    Kim,
    I just love what Barbara had to say. We never stop missing, but we will want to have love and fun again. I know we talk about Kay and i talk about David and 13 years later, it still breaks my heart. But the thought of David makes me smile, feel the warmth of the love he surrounded me in and I am so happy that into my life he came. only for a short time, but he made all the difference. Just like Kay did for you.

    your skirt! sisters were really getting to know Kay and she felt like part of our extended family.

    I was so glad that you and Dave had your weekend and may you have lots more.

    And Walter was going to “leave” me if I bought in another cat. we now have 6 and he loves them and they like to sleep on him.
    xoxox elizabeth

  • Reply
    kim sisto robinson
    March 4, 2011 at 3:02 pm

    ~~~~The missing will never go away.
    I believe one just needs to learn to live with it…….the lonlienes & missing & loss.
    One needs to connect the pain into their lives somehow.
    I’m still trying to do this.
    Love to U, my friend.

  • Reply
    Charlene
    March 4, 2011 at 10:20 pm

    I love you Kim. But I do hate cats. Well…what do you expect – they make the roof of my mouth itch. I love your husband so much Kim. (not like that…you know what I mean.) I’m glad you two got away.

    And as always I love your words so much.

    And Mercy – wow! Yes, she is so awesome. How did that young young lady get to be so wise?

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 5, 2011 at 7:31 am

      Yes, I think I’ll keep my Brit Hubby!

      He sets me strait…and not too many people can do that, ya know?

      Love U, Charlene. I love your Spanx Photos. WOW. I am eeeereally jealous. xxx

      And Mercy, well she will be the next Kenyan Prime Minister!

  • Reply
    LBDDiaries
    March 4, 2011 at 10:56 pm

    Eye luff ewe. Really really luff ewe. I mourn with you and hurt with you and have tears in my eyes with you. My heart hurts hearing how your heart is weighed down with grief. I have the tissue to wipe your tears, the ears to listen to your pain and stories, the arms to hug you, the compassion to share, and the feet that stand with you for as long as it takes to balance a life with Kay living in heaven while you’re still on earth.

    I think you should celebrate Kay’s living by dedicating a posting a week to what she celebrated in life. Keep telling us who Kay was, not just to you, but to others. A light that bright had to have touched many lives.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 5, 2011 at 7:33 am

      Oh, that is so sweet, LB. I like your way of thinking.

      Could you pass me a kleenex, please?

      Yes, Kay was such a light…bright as Sun. She made me better.

      xxxx Kisses to you. I love my perfume! 🙂

  • Reply
    Susan Boswell
    March 4, 2011 at 10:59 pm

    Whatever you do, DON’Tt send the cats down south. Especially if you come to the skirt conference. I will know it was you if you take an NC detour and leave them at MY door! LOL!

    You have wise friends Kimmie, and their comments above are so profound. Whole or halved, you are loved just the same. That comment reminds me of my mother… her last few years at the nursing home, she had a “boyfriend” , Mr. Roy. They both had dementia/ alzheimers. Every day they would spot each other in the cafeteria or sitting in the hall, roll up to the other in their wheelchair, and fall in love anew. They could NEVER remember each other’s names. Mr. Roy had the most beautiful smile… and Diabetes. Both of his legs had to be amputated, and my mother would sit with him so sweetly. When I would walk up to them, she would forget that she had introduced him to me about a hundred times. She would make the introductions (again) and pat him somewhere close to his crotch, I swear, and say “Poor old man. He ain’t got no legs…” With Mr. Roy sitting there, like he had not heard what she said, or more like it didn’t matter. Then she would lean over and kiss him… And he would BEAM. Mr. Roy died almost a year before mom did. It was so sad after he was gone, because I don’t think mom remembered what and whom she had lost. It was like having phantom pains- pain in a part of you that is gone. Mama went downhill after that, and that last year was rough… and I think she suffered a broken heart. I never will forget how they loved each other, with all that incomplete-ness. (I don’t think that is a word…)

    Maybe that is the rub. It’s really not complete. But we have to love anyway.
    Thank God for distractions, or it would all be waaaaaaay too much. Sorry this is so long. It should have been a blog! LOL

    PS I am SO happy you had some time away with your hubby. Better bangors and mash than a toad in the hole, if you get my drift! xxoo S

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 5, 2011 at 7:47 am

      ~~~oh, susan,
      not only could the story of your mom and mr. roy become a blog…but it could become a book, as well…… how lovely……to have that love new & fresh again every single day.
      Your words continually move me.
      Love never dies.
      And of couse, I shall carry Kay’s heart inside my heart until I meet her once again.
      I must say, I look forward to that day.
      PS> I shall send you a Tabby to play with Devil Cat!
      XXXXXXXXXXXXX Kisses. Hugs. ooooooo ~~You are one of my Angels.

  • Reply
    Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella
    March 5, 2011 at 12:10 am

    Goodness me… words cannot express how sorry I am to hear about your sister. What an absolutely awful thing to have happened to her and you and your family. I hope that time helps but then again it must feel like nothing will ever help on certain days.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      March 5, 2011 at 8:04 am

      ~~~~Yes, some days (most days) nothing helps.
      ….only the distractions which overflows into one’s day…

      For example, your superb blog, Lorraine.
      I find your words, photos, and FOOD lovely distractions from my mourning.

      It tops my list. Seriously.

      xxxx Thank you for that!

  • Reply
    Tia
    March 5, 2011 at 10:34 am

    I Love You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Tia

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 5, 2011 at 10:37 am

      i luv you more…. more…..more….. xxxx have fun tonight. DO NOT babysite those idiots!

  • Reply
    Petite (Psycho basher)
    March 5, 2011 at 10:46 am

    Dear Kim

    When a loved one becomes a memory, they become our life’s treasures.
    Yes, there will not be a single day in your life when you will not miss her or think about her.
    But trust me when I say this, some day, that wave of pain that grips your heart and you feel choked and begin to cry, will be replaced by a feeling of emptiness but then your memory will be filled with the happy memories instead. And you smile when you think about her.
    It is not easy to lose someone you love so dearly. And there is nothing anybody can say that will ease the pain.
    You have done so much for all women and for her through your Blog and have reached out and touched so many lives. She is very proud of you. She has loved you well for being who you are now.
    You are blessed and you are loved. Just never forget that.

    Stay safe and a big, warm, hug for you.
    PS. Cats are just adorable and intelligent creatures. I get so messed up when my Catty (white Persian kitty) and I fight. 🙂

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 5, 2011 at 11:03 am

      ~~~~Oh, what lovely words you say to me, Petite.
      I hope that one day I shall smile a true smile.
      I really do.
      You must place a photo of your WHITE persian Kitty on your web site!
      Cats make my happy.
      And so do woman like you. XXXX KISSES

  • Reply
    Dad
    March 5, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    KIM, all those who comment on your blogs love you just from your writing. Not only that but they also love
    Kay by your writings they got to know you and her.Also, you have helped so many others by telling them
    how you feel & how much you love Kay. I also love and miss her so much.
    When you are ready I would love to go for walks on the trail with you, I miss( CHESTER THE MOLESTER).
    & miss seeing Kevin & Maryellen on their walks & talking with them also.

    LOVE YOU WAY MORE

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 5, 2011 at 3:56 pm

      Daddy, I love you more …that’s all there is to it.
      xxxx so so so so so so so so so MIUCH. xxx

  • Reply
    zeemaid
    March 9, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    What an incredibly tough time for you. I think it’s wonderful that you are doing this website and dedicating it to your sister.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 9, 2011 at 3:08 pm

      It’s a distracton from the mourning. Thanks for stopping by, Zeemaid.:)

  • Reply
    Carroll B. Merriman
    March 12, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    Nice blog

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