In Memory of Kay

LETTER TO KAY’S MURDERER


 

  — Mike,

I never liked you.

From the very beginning…

I should have stopped you from entering our lives, seeping inside our home like a kind of bitterness that filled every corner and crevasse.

I should have known you weren’t good enough for Kay, should have screamed and yelled and jumped up and down in rebellious fury…

I should have broken all of your fingers so you couldn’t pick up a gun.

I should have wrapped your mouth with duct tape to end your belittling, demeaning, poisonous tongue.

    But I stood silent.  

The first time I saw your face, somehow I knew.   I knew—as a cat recognizes with her sixth sense, with her fur that stands strait up.

I remember clearly…so unreservedly clearly you coming over to our old white house on 65th. and Kay calling me into the kitchen asking excitedly, “Well, what do you think of him?” 

“He looks like a monster,” I replied.

That’s what I said.  Did she ever tell you?

You never left after that night.   You hung around like one of mom’s knick knacks, like a substanceless individual that never added anything to anything.

You just  Took.  Took.  Took.  

You even sucked up the fucking air.

You expected everything but gave nothing.   

You were obsessed with a sixteen year old girl who would one day become your trophy wife, your Lolita….Somebody you could mold and shape into your own private puppet.

Remember when Kay tried to leave you the first time? 

You sat outside our house for hours upon hours.   Just sat there like a predator, like a stalker, like a  black lingering cloud.

   Taking up space.

Mom and I  kept looking out the front window…and there you were.

   Sitting.    Crying.   Waiting.  Watching.

God, I wish you would have died then.  Died from the fumes of  your car…..your own toxic breath.

Why couldn’t you have left Kay alone?

Found somebody else to save you?

Found somebody else to make you feel whole?

Kay’s love, love, love  overflowed into the universe like oxygen.  You tried to take it all.

Absorb it all.  Make it your own.

But her love wasn’t enough for you.

I told dad  15 years ago —“He’s Going To Hurt Her One Day.”

And you did—Didn’t you?

You son-of-a-bitch.  You evil son-of-a-bitch.

She was the best thing that ever happened to you….the best part of you.   

And she was Everything to me. 

Connected to my veins, my heart, my soul, my blood, the root of my roots.

Didn’t you give a damn that Jordan would find you both on the tiled floor…

  Shot, Murdered, Bleeding?

Are you in Hell?  Are you Burning up?

I hope not.

Because even after all of your killing and planning and insidious, unsmiling nature…

I  still feel sorry for you.  Yes, sorry.

You are like the roach out of Kafka’s book.  

The pathetic roach that contributed nothing, nothing, nothing….just stank up the world.

And now Kay is finally free of you. 

And that’s all she wanted….all she ever wanted.

“I feel a burst of Joy,” she told me a few months before you murdered her.

“Just knowing I will not need to be with him anymore.”

She’s not with you.  Never.  Never.  Never again.

Perhaps that is your true Hell.

My ~~~Best Friend Was Murdered On MAY 26, 2010 by Mike Peterson.    The World Will Never Be The Same.    The sun shines differentely.

Kay, Daddy, Kim.  Love.  Always.  Forever.

For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

click here NOW >http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/


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28 Comments

  • Reply
    elizabeth
    February 25, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    to my sweet Kim,
    powerful words. and I am so glad you are telling that monster what he did to you and your family. I do believe in evil in this world and I think he was along with being weak and pathetic. I never met Kay, but I miss her and I wish she could be here for you. But angels have a way of finding their way home. xx love ya, elizabeth

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 25, 2011 at 1:23 pm

      When I am really lonley and sad, I think, “Oh, Kay, I need to talk to you about Kay.”
      It is very weird…A deep void that will never be filled until we meet once again.

      . xxxx Luv YA

  • Reply
    Mercy
    February 25, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    Very touching. Sad. It brought tears to my eyes.

    Love you. Hugs.

    Mercia Morande

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 25, 2011 at 1:56 pm

      tears for me, too… as I remember. always tears. luv U. Mercy Morande, my Kenyan beauty.

  • Reply
    Alina
    February 25, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    Kim, this is good. Like Elizabeth said, you finally told him how this affected your family but also you. When me and numb nuts(HAHAHA) first started dating I remember him telling me hoe you and Kay would tease him because he finally had a girlfriend! He always said you have to meet Kay! I wish I did…but you writing and sharing stories makes me feel like I did meet her. Sometime you should share the “sisters” book, because that really cracked me up!!

    Love youuuuu see yOu tomorrow!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 25, 2011 at 1:58 pm

      Yes, K. would have loooooooooooooved U so much 🙂 see you soon. XX Kisses

  • Reply
    Dad
    February 25, 2011 at 2:22 pm

    KIM it so nice having coffee with you today talking about you and KAY and how much she ment to both of us.
    She was a angel a saint and everything good, never judging anyone. It was fun talking about you & her, the
    things you did together, the laugher & also the crying .I think you took it out on that scone we split.
    I loved the blog you wrote, and i agree with everything you said in it.

    I LOVE YOU MORE

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 25, 2011 at 2:29 pm

      NEVER more than I love you, daddy. Never. more….
      Thanks for the scone…even though I didn’t eat it! 🙂
      Thanks for loving me when I’m soooooooooo unloveable.

  • Reply
    Maryellen
    February 25, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    Let it out, Kim. It will do you good. Take care and come see us soon. Love, Me

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 25, 2011 at 2:34 pm

      Mary Ellen, I shall never forget our times on your bench praying, laughing, petting sweet Chester. xxx XXX PS. Kay would come home from her walk..call me…and say “HA HA, you missed Chester again today!”

  • Reply
    Tia
    February 25, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    I am not as good as you I hate the F’r and I hope he burns in HELL!!!!!

    I Love you Kimmers and I miss Kay sooooooooooooooo much!

    Love Tia

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      February 25, 2011 at 4:01 pm

      Yeah, I shall always miss her…the rest of my life.

      Thank god, I have you to listen to my CRY !! luv U.

  • Reply
    debbie
    February 25, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    Dearest cousin,

    So good for you to voice what he was really like. Possesive, arrogant,decietful, not being a husband or father, but owner of all.
    I think of Kay, godly, sweet, good mother and wife, and it makes me sick. The way she’s missed is beyond any words. She however,gained courage and so much self confidence that NOBODY could have changed her thoughts on leaving,she was finally going…….just too late. I believe she is happy even though we are not!
    You’re conscious desicion (in your last post) to go on with your life,made Kay smile. You can never lose someone who is part of you. For you ” Carry her heart with you”.
    Love Forever & ever!!
    Debbie

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      February 25, 2011 at 7:50 pm

      yes, debbie,

      always. forever. forever.

      until we meet again. i look forward to that time.

      i love you deeply. xxx K.

  • Reply
    Linda
    February 25, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    Kim-

    I think of Kay, her boys and your entire family and wonder why-such caring- loving people.
    What a selfish act.
    Hugs and Blessings to you-
    Linda-

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 25, 2011 at 7:54 pm

      love to you, Linda. Always. Forever. xxx KIm

  • Reply
    Susan Boswell
    February 25, 2011 at 8:29 pm

    Kim- if you could bottle this stuff up, you could blow a hole in a wall. Your words are so powerful, they knock the breath out of me. Well, I guess you did bottle this for a while, and I am glad you are getting it out. More room out than in… The irony I guess, out here, all his evil has become words of strength and passion and beautiful love for your sister. Strength that seems unimagineable. You areour hero, and I have said it before- that any of us would have someone to love us as you loved your sister, we would be blessed. xxoo S

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 25, 2011 at 11:01 pm

      Thank you, Sweet Susan….
      for your gift of love & compassion & enduring kindness.
      I am blessed to know you. xxXX

  • Reply
    Janelle
    February 25, 2011 at 10:30 pm

    My heart breaks for you and your family, Kim. Kay was and is an absolute angel. Praise God we will meet again in heaven.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 25, 2011 at 10:58 pm

      yes, i look forward to that, my dear. xxx Kiss to you and babies!

  • Reply
    Tara
    February 26, 2011 at 4:03 am

    This letter was long overdue, Kim.

    I can relate to that feeling, where you just KNOW something ain’t right about somebody. But hindsight’s truly 20/20, isn’t it? There’s nothing more annoying in life than damn hindsight – what we could’ve or should’ve done. It’ll drive you insane if you dwell on it long enough.

    Mike sounded like a man with little to no substance…shallow. And people with little to no substance are excellent tools for evil to do its dirty deeds with. They’re easy to manipulate. I don’t know what’s become of Mike now, for I’m not the one who makes those decisions. All I know is that Kay is happier than ever, with the Man who loves her more anything.

    Thanks for this powerful post, Kim. Love you!

    Tara

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      February 26, 2011 at 8:38 am

      ~~Tara, I thank you or being with me from the VERY beginning…..with your words, love,
      scripture, prayers, and inspiration.

      You are Loved by Me!

  • Reply
    Joan Macdonell
    February 26, 2011 at 7:44 am

    Kim, this was so powerful. It brought tears to my eyes. All the while I just think what a wonderful loving beautiful family you have! Love your Mom and Dad and everything about you all. Hugs, Joan

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      February 26, 2011 at 8:40 am

      ~~Joan,
      somehow the writing keeps me moving forward…
      the things I should have said…the things I should have done.
      The MISSING will NEVER cease….NEVER.
      But One must Go Forward .. and as Mercy says…”LIVE”
      Luv U. xx

  • Reply
    Julie Gloege
    February 27, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    My dear Kim and Sisto Family,
    Such pain this has caused you. You are a strong family and it is so neat to see how you support each other in this tragegy. Kim…keep writing…I can see it is moving you forward and causing healing to happen slowly. Good things happen slowly and the best meals are ones that take time and are slow cooked over hours and hours. I think of your journey since the murder. I can see the healing happening slowly over time. Thanks for bringing us along on your journey. Just remember the footprints on a sandy beach and daily walks with God. He is holding your hand every step of your journey. I am praying for you daily. I thought of you the other day when I found a picture of you and Olga. Give your wonderful family hugs from me. I miss the Sisto clan and the days of drama and laughs. We had some great times with Kay and your family. God Bless all of you as you continue on the journey of life and seek healing for this deep pain of having your soul sister taken from you….Remember there are lattes in heaven and Kay is sampling them all for us! Love ya SS!!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 27, 2011 at 5:04 pm

      ~~J.
      thank you for all of your support.

      The void will NEVER be filled…
      but knowing I shall see Kay again helps.
      I look forward to that day 🙂

      Luv to U. ~K.

  • Reply
    Ginger
    March 2, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    I had to wait to read this because I wanted to take my time. Thank you, Kim. So glad you put it into words — I hope you felt even a tiny bit of release. How old was he when he met Kim anyway? One thing to remember is that Kay probably would not have listened if you told her how you felt … maybe, anyway. Many people tried to tell me about my ex and I was hell bent on saving him… I am a lucky one though. He was never evil. I believe you saw evil when you said he looks like a monster. You keep writing, you will definitely keep many women (and their sisters, mothers, daughters, cousins, aunts) from making thoughtless choices. I really believe you will. Love you, Ginger

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      March 2, 2011 at 4:52 pm

      Kay was 16….Too young to know he was a son-of-a-bitch.
      Too young to know he was a monster.

      Oh, I miss her. Always. Every. Single. Day. For the rest of my life…..

      Thank God for writing, the written word. WORDS!.

      I loooooooooooooooooooove your Huffington Post Articles.

      You R so Talented, my dear Ginger.

      Luv U.

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