In Memory of Kay

How Differently The River Gleams


Fungal infections

–How differently the river gleams now that you’re gone—Roberta Hill Whiteman

DAY 1: Mornings are still a bitch.

I awaken feeling pleasure, warmth, the awareness of sun for a split second,  but then  reality appears.

My sister.  My sweet sister.   Oh, my darling sister.

I turn the words over again and  again inside my head like a washing machine.

Oh, Kay, Kay, KayMy sister,   my sister.

One cannot stay in bed to think, to regret, to ponder.    Thinking too deeply causes one to lose control,  causes one to drink too much  red wine, causes one to  misplace her mind.

DAY 2:          The hardest part about losing your soul mate is assimilating the past with the present; the old memories with the new memories, the heart with the head.

…And transforming the suffering & sting into something positive.

I’m not there.

I don’t know if I shall ever see this murder,  this metamorphosis,  this horrific trauma as anything other than the months I stared directly into Hell.

I’m not there.

I drive by Kay’s  house where she used to be in her garden covered in soil,  used to be mowing the lawn, used to be grilling chicken on her colossal grill, used to be  on her swing reading Vince Flynn, used to be baking chocolate chip cookies….

And now there is silence.

Silence is not golden.  Silence is SHIT.

DAY 3:        Writing lighter blogs have been a bit of still waters.

Stuff about Skinny Bitches, Tyra’s fat ass,  The Oscars, The Grammys,  & Saint Shirley’s chocolate cakes.

This used to be me….what I used to write about.   This was me.  Happy.  So happy.  Amused by the  world & what it had to offer.

Kay told me a few months back that she was laughing so hard at one of my blogs she almost peed her pants.

She said the monster asked why the hell she was laughing, that there was nothing to laugh about.

In 30 years …I never heard that bastard laugh.

DAY 4:          Hubby is the most logical, loving, clever person I know.

(Don’t tell him I said that)

He says I can’t possibly mourn all day long…all night long…the rest of my life.

He says I need to take a break.

He says this in a kind, gentle voice.

…Because he knows I can be a real mother-effer if somebody tells me what to do with the wrong tone of voice.

Tell Kay you love her, he says.

Tell Kay you’re going to take a three hour break to think about something else, do something else, stop crying for a while.

I did.     I’m trying.   I’m trying.  I’m damn well trying.

DAY 5: Tia & I had a t-shirt created for Kay.

It’s for  The Clothesline Project.

We wanted a photo of Kay’s beautiful face on the front of the t-shirt.

And I found her big pink lips blotted on a piece of paper inside her bible… We had the t-shirt guy place her lips on the back with the names of her three boys.

O, Kay, how I love you.  How I miss you.  Still.  Always.  Forever.

DAY 6: OMG.   I just looked at Super Bowl photos and I almost flipped out.

I am a shadow.  I am colorless.  I am without soul.

Michael tagged the photos to my face book and I deleted, deleted, deleted.

How much more can one delete until they are free of themselves and who they’ve become?

DAY 7: Though it is VERY difficult and I do not know if I can do it…… or even

if I want to do it.

I’ve made the decision to go on living.

I’ve decided to live rather than die.

I’ve decided to breathe rather than hold my breath.

I’ve decide to love, love, love what is left.

Even if Kay is not left.

The thing is…

I don’t know if I can do it I don’t know

My sister Kay was murder on May 26, 201o by her ex-husband. The world stopped.  The clocks shut down.  The world lessened.

{~~~For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

click here NOW >http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/}

~~~~~~ Read about Kay here:   In Memory of Kay


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28 Comments

  • Reply
    Mercy
    February 19, 2011 at 4:03 am

    Kim,
    You move me whenever you write about Kay. How overwhelmingly sad.

    Man must live…living is the hardest thing to do.

    I love you bestest friend.

    Ps. You know what i feel about Tyra, dont you?

  • Reply
    kim sisto robinson
    February 19, 2011 at 6:22 am

    ~~Yes, Mercy,

    Living is the hardest thing of all. This missing, the loving, the longing…

    You U, toooooo xxx

    And you know how I feel about Tyra….don’t you. She drives me insane.

  • Reply
    Amy
    February 19, 2011 at 6:50 am

    I love you, Kimmers. That’s all I can say today. xoxo

  • Reply
    kim sisto robinson
    February 19, 2011 at 7:12 am

    And that is enough, Amy, my sweet. xxxxx

  • Reply
    Debbie
    February 19, 2011 at 9:19 am

    OH HOW I LOVE YOU ,
    I am crying tears of joy as I pluck away. You are so brave. It will never be over
    but Kay loved us all & I know she is jumping for JOY in heaven right now, Se needs
    you down here to help her 3 boys(when u can). I am here for you.
    Your Cousin

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      February 19, 2011 at 4:01 pm

      oh, debbie,
      you have never left me in my darkest hours or
      Kay’s darkest hours.
      she loooove you so much…she told me this often… & so do I. xx

  • Reply
    susan boswell
    February 19, 2011 at 9:38 am

    Kim, This may be your greatest blog. This is what we’ve been hoping and praying for. A GREAT DAY. You have turned a corner, or at least had he courage to peer around it and look it square in the eye. I am so happy…
    The world HERE still needs you, Kim. You are one person who has had this horrific thing happen to her sister. You have bore witness to the kind of tragedy that is all too prevalent in our society. People, like myself that has not experienced this kind of abuse firsthand, can too easily overlook this horror of it. Still, I know the monster still lives in too many households. . No one else in the world can share this story that but you. The world needs to hear that. But also, Kay would NOT want you to be here as a lifelong sob to her. I am sure she is honored and wants to be remembered. I believe she would have wanted you to help others. SHE would have helped others. But I know her well enough through these blogs, that she would not want you to miss the life she is now missing- I especially mean the good parts. So when summer comes, she will want you to have those cookouts, wear those sandals, that she cannot. She would want you to buy a pretty dress and put on some gorgeous over-the-top jewelry. Most of all, she would want you to value and take care of your HEALTH.I know she loved you like you loved her.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      February 19, 2011 at 4:03 pm

      Sweet Susan,
      where, oh, where did you come from my Angel?
      xxxxxx Always. Forever.

  • Reply
    Alina
    February 19, 2011 at 12:27 pm

    Kim,

    That is so neat of you and Tia to make that shirt. Will you take a picture of it when it’s finished?
    We all know Tyra sucks, and Dave is sweet! The two good things about the Superbowl was family, and chicken cheese dip! Anyway, I love you…

    Always,
    Alina

  • Reply
    kim sisto robinson
    February 19, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    I will show you the t-shirt, Alina.

    it will be traveling all over the country beginning in Washington DC.

    luv UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    see you at the Millenium.

  • Reply
    Tia
    February 20, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    Kim, I Love you soooooo much!

    Tia

  • Reply
    kim sisto robinson
    February 20, 2011 at 9:19 pm

    Not as much as I love you. XXX

  • Reply
    LBDDiaries
    February 20, 2011 at 10:55 pm

    This was an amazing, open, honest and brilliant post. I agree with others, Kay wouldn’t want you to mourn forever but she would also be the only one to understand what you feel and where you are. I can never understand what has happened to you but I am so glad to know you. I am glad for the fact you are slowly hearing the birds sing again and seeing life in color instead of black and white. If I lived near you, I would come over and give you a big hug, then take you somewhere overlooking that water and the sunrise. Just sit and soak up life’s beauty for just a little while.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      February 21, 2011 at 8:55 am

      Nan,

      I have come to the conclusion that the water will gleam differently….because it will NEVER gleam the same way without my dear sister…

      but perhaps I will find some other kind of joy, some other kind of pleasure.

      So glad we have met, my sweet. xxx

  • Reply
    Karen sosnoski
    February 21, 2011 at 5:46 am

    Dear Kim,
    Your honesty whether in expressing grief or a glimmer of hope is such a gift. Please let me know when the tshirt will be in DC so I can see it. Xo Karen

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      February 21, 2011 at 8:56 am

      Hey, Karen,

      I will send you the result when the t-shirt is done… It will then travel to Washington DC and all over the country.

      I hope you are well, my dear girl. I miss talking with you. xxxx

  • Reply
    Kelly
    February 21, 2011 at 7:38 am

    Kim,

    Once AGAIN your way with words moved me to tears!!!! I have always had a relationship with my sister, (her name is Kim also, I call her Kimba) but I now understand the importance of being there not just “Being there”… Kay is SO PROUD of you for educating ALL of us with raw reality!!! My heart is busting with love for both of you!!! I know this journey will continue forever and there are going to be some good days, some GREAT days and some FUCK the world days!!! I just want you to know I will be there for ALL of the days!!!

    ” There are moments in life, when the heart is so full of emotion that if by chance it be shaken, or into its depths like a pebble drops some careless word, it overflows, and its secret, spilt on the ground like water, can never be gathered together.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

    You are AMAZING… AMAZING… AMAZING….!!!!!!

    Did I tell you, you are AMAZING????

    Love Love Love
    Kel

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      February 21, 2011 at 8:59 am

      OMG, i love the Longfellow quote…I shall use this in one of my blogs.

      “spilt on the ground like water, can never be gathered together.”

      O, how true.

      I shall never gather all the pieces together again. Never.

      But I do thank God for women like You.

      Your support and words and quotes are soooooooooooo appreciated.

      love love love.

      K.

  • Reply
    Charlene
    February 21, 2011 at 8:43 am

    I’m crying right now. And not just a little. (You know the two or three Kleenex kind of cry.) Your words are so lovely. Oh how they honor Kay. Love love LOVE you Kim. Love your bravery. And your words. And…just…YOU.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 23, 2011 at 3:55 pm

      ohhhhhhhhhh, and i love you, too, Charlene. I wish we could cry together 🙂

  • Reply
    Joan Macdonell
    February 21, 2011 at 9:15 am

    Dear Kim, After reading your post, I’m breathing more deeply too. Hugs and Love, Joan

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 21, 2011 at 9:33 am

      Hugs and love back to you, Joan. xxxxx

  • Reply
    Jean Has Been Shopping
    February 21, 2011 at 7:44 pm

    I’m so very sorry.
    Thank you for coming by my blog today so that I could return the visit. It is a pleasure to know you.

  • Reply
    Kim Sisto-Robinson
    February 21, 2011 at 8:08 pm

    ~~~~And a pleasure meeting you, Jean 🙂

  • Reply
    your cousin Sue
    February 22, 2011 at 9:30 am

    Kim,

    Well at least I was sitting at home this time when again the tears came…
    Only this time they are tears of joy, tears filled with hope.

    I know you can do this.

    We are ALWAYS here for you.

    love you.

    Sue

  • Reply
    kim sisto robinson
    February 22, 2011 at 9:48 am

    ~~Sue, i ran out of options…

    I guess I must live.

    This is the hardest part of all…because I don’t know how to do this without Kay.

    I Luv U.

  • Reply
    Dad
    February 22, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    Kim, I love you so much, and i morn for Kay everyday, but like Mercy says man must live, and like i say
    dying is easy it’s living thats hard. You are loved by so many people. Your cousins Caroline, Shirley, Sue,
    Debbie, Just to name a few. All the people who read your blogs also love you & so on.
    I also agree with Susan that this is one of the best blogs you ever wrote.( Keep writing always).
    By the way, i love the tee-shirt.

  • Reply
    kim sisto robinson
    February 22, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    dad, bad day today. i am very lonely. so lonley. without my best friend to call, without my best friend to laugh with. wihtout my best friend to cry with over this massive mourning.
    it is so strange….. i want to call Kay to tell her how sad I am today about Kay!

    i love you more than anything in this entire world.

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