Parting is all we know of heaven and all we need to know of hell. ~Emily Dickinson,
I think of you all day long.
Not a single night goes by without missing you, loving you, loving you.
I miss your massive pink shimmering smile, your dark brown eyes eternally coated with charcoal mascara.
I miss the love you made me drown inside throughout my girl- hood days, my teen -year days, my baby blues, & my depressions.
I am sick of crying. I never thought a person could cry so much without evaporating into the fucking earth.
I miss the scent of your expensive perfume, your Aqua Net hairspray; your last Latte upon your breath.
I miss your long silver earrings that clinked sweetly as you leaned forward or walked on the Waterfront Trail.
I miss phoning you and you answering on the seventh or eight ring sing asking “What’s Up Kimmie?”
I miss you ordering Diet Coke with 4 olives….Not three- but four.
I miss all of it, all of it.
I rushed to call you the other morning because I had heard some good news, but you were gone, gone, gone…
I still can’t believe it. I’ll NEVER believe it. I refuse to believe it.
Sometimes I hate my life. How it turned out. How you are not in it. The emptiness. The pain. The yearning. The not having a sister. The secrets we told one another.
Now they are all mine and I don’t want them.
Last week I began sobbing as I walked into Barnes & Noble. I sprinted to the bathroom like a fool. I sat on the toilet and sobbed quietly.
I’m so sick of being quiet. So sick of an being plastic for other people.
Anyhow…. Barnes & Noble reminded me of our “Sister Dates.” Drinking Lattes and splitting double chocolate pie…
And talking, talking, talking about LIFE.
How can anybody love so much—so deeply—so tremendously?
How can anybody live a complete life without that love?
Could you have survived without me?
Are you? Are you?
Some days are okay. The still waters glimmer from a distance. Only from a distance.
Some days— the green pastures have a few flowers.
Some days—the soul seems to be repairing itself.
But then I remember.
Then I awaken.
Then I see your face…
your auburn hair spread across white sheets, your eyelids closed, your body already cold, your soul releasing.
I hear you calling my name. You call my name….
But I can’t reach you…..