In Memory of Kay

~Dear Kay


~~~~Kay Was Murdered On May 26, 2010 by her ex husband.  I will scream out her story as long as I have breath inside my body & words inside my mind.

 

Parting is all we know of heaven and all we need to know of hell.  ~Emily Dickinson,

 

~~Dear Kay,

     I think of you all day long.

Not a single night goes by without missing you, loving you, loving you.

I miss your massive pink shimmering smile, your dark brown eyes eternally coated with charcoal mascara.

I miss the love you made me drown inside throughout my girl- hood days, my teen -year days, my baby blues,  & my  depressions. 

I am sick of crying.  I never thought a person could cry so much without evaporating into the fucking earth. 

I miss the scent of your expensive perfume, your Aqua Net hairspray; your last Latte upon your breath.

I miss your long silver earrings that clinked sweetly as you leaned forward or walked on the Waterfront Trail. 

I miss phoning you and you answering on the seventh or eight ring sing asking “What’s Up Kimmie?”

I miss you ordering Diet Coke with 4 olives….Not three- but four. 

I miss all of it, all of it.

I rushed to call you the other morning because I had heard some good news, but you were gone, gone, gone…

I still can’t believe it.  I’ll NEVER believe it.  I refuse to believe it.

Sometimes I hate my life.  How it turned out.  How you are not in it.  The emptiness.  The pain.  The yearning.  The not having a sister.  The secrets we told one another.

Now they are all mine and I don’t want them.

Last week I began sobbing as I walked into Barnes & Noble.  I sprinted to the bathroom like a fool.  I sat on the toilet and sobbed quietly. 

    I’m so sick of being quiet.  So sick of an being plastic for other people.

Anyhow…. Barnes & Noble reminded me of our “Sister Dates.”  Drinking Lattes and splitting double chocolate pie…

And talking, talking, talking about LIFE.

How can anybody love so much—so deeply—so tremendously?

How can anybody live a complete life without that love?

Could you have survived without me?

Are you?   Are you?

Some days are okay.  The still waters glimmer from a distance.  Only from a distance.

Some days— the green pastures have a few flowers.

Some days—the soul seems to be repairing itself.

But then I remember.

Then I awaken. 

Then I see your face…

your  auburn hair spread across white sheets, your eyelids closed, your body already cold, your soul releasing.

I hear you calling my name.        You call my name….

But I can’t reach you…..

Peace.  Peace.  Peace.  Sun Shining on Face.  Warmth.    My favorite photo of my beloved Sister.

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19 Comments

  • Reply
    Tara
    February 7, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    Kim, this post brought tears to my eyes. If I can’t help but cry, I can’t imagine the torment you must be going through.

    I wish I knew what to say, but all I can come up with is I’m so sorry. As you know, I’m an only child, but when I was little, I wanted a sister soooo badly! Not a brother…a sister. A fellow female, a partner in crime, someone to relate to. Someone to share all the wonderful experiences you described in this post. To be honest, I STILL want a sister (although I’ve learned to accept the reality that I’ll never have one).

    At best, I know how it feels to imagine such a dynamic relationship, so the thought of having it ripped apart breaks my heart. I can’t imagine the gigantic void you must feel. Those secrets you speak of get swallowed up in it. They have no where to go.

    I liked this post for a lot of reasons, but especially because it spoke directly to Kay. Keep doing that, Kim. Talk to her, and know she hears you. And best of all, keep your eyes, ears, heart and mind open to her responses to you. She will come through, I promise.

    I love you, and am praying for you.

    Love,
    Tara

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      February 7, 2011 at 8:19 pm

      ~~~Tara, It’s a struggle…. because we were almost one person. Now one is gone…

      I can’t tell you how much your support, caring, comments, and love means to me.

      Love love love

  • Reply
    Tia
    February 7, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    Your words are so beautiful.

    I love you Kimmers,
    Tia

  • Reply
    Hello Ladies
    February 7, 2011 at 6:27 pm

    Beautiful and sad. Love to you Kim.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      February 7, 2011 at 8:20 pm

      Yes, very sad.

      Thank God for writing & words!

      Thank You, Liz xxxx

  • Reply
    Joan
    February 7, 2011 at 9:17 pm

    Thinking of you, Kim and your love for your sister. It is and was powerful and beautiful. I miss my sister as well. We were not as close as you and your sister but she was my sister, the aunt of my children and the daughter of my mother. It’s hard to have a sister and then suddenly, one day, not. The power of bullets took our sisters away from us. The power of love and memory will keep them alive inside of us.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      February 7, 2011 at 11:10 pm

      “The Power of love and memory will keep them alive inside of Us.”

      How beautiful & true, Joan.

      Life is so very fleeting. I thought I’d have my lovely sister forever and ever.

      But we will meet our sisters one day again. Again. This is what is keeping me going..

      xxxx K.

  • Reply
    LBDDiaries
    February 7, 2011 at 10:12 pm

    I think writing letters to your sister is not only theraputic but it gives us all a glimpse into the wonderfulness of Kay. As long as she is in your heart, memories and pen, she will always be here. I love the power of your words and am in awe of the strength in you to take time to share her with the rest of us. Tell us about her – her favorite things, favorite perfume, favorite animal, favorite article of clothing, what she collected, her thoughts on current events.

    And you will see her again someday.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      February 7, 2011 at 11:12 pm

      Yes, LB. I will see her again. I know this.
      It is being on earth without her that SUCKS so bad.

      Thank you for your lovely words.

      U R really something.

      xxxx

      • Reply
        LBDDiaries
        February 8, 2011 at 10:15 am

        I look forward to more stories about Kay, and your relationship with her. I can’t say I understand what you feel because I don’t. While both my parents passed on suddenly they were in their 80’s so I had a full life with them. Alpha Hubby late wife was also a “suddenly” and while time might heal the sharp sting of it, before we met, there were times he needed a place to express – and he wrote and wrote and wrote.

        Being cut off too young does suck and I am glad you have a place to express that suckiness. You are an amazing woman, to think outside your grief to the thought of helping others.

        • Reply
          kim sisto robinson
          February 8, 2011 at 10:27 am

          Dear LB,
          I have a feeling this is going to be a beautiful relationship….Cuz you are cool, hip, and I love your website & music….And U make me smile when I don’t want to.
          XX ~K.

  • Reply
    Mercy
    February 8, 2011 at 8:28 am

    Kim,

    Keep writing. I will keep reading and loving you.

    You are the greatest writer i know.

    Looooove you.

    *signed by your moustached friend*

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      February 8, 2011 at 10:26 am

      Dear Mustached friend,

      I love you more than tigers running around the valleys in Kenya.
      I love you more than kittens in fluffy snow.
      I love you more than than mustaches.
      You R my fave. writer of all time.
      ~~K.

  • Reply
    Dad
    February 8, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    Kim
    I love you so much, and how i love your writing. you sure didn’t take after me as far as writing goes.
    I also miss Kay so much it hurts. Just one example —————- sometimes when when i was walking
    on the trail alone, & when i went to my car when i was through, there it was, Kays big pink lips on my
    windshield —————— what a beautiful sight.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 8, 2011 at 4:46 pm

      Yes, those big pink lips.
      I shall miss her my entire life, always, forever.
      Thank God we have each other, daddy. I luv U more than my own life.

  • Reply
    Tweets that mention ~Dear Kay :: My Inner Chick -- Topsy.com
    February 8, 2011 at 9:51 pm

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  • Reply
    Thinking of you
    February 22, 2011 at 11:57 pm

    Stumbling upon this tonight has made me think of how beautiful of a woman she really was. I went to school with her kids and there was always the most welcoming smile on her face and her eyes showed that she cared what you were saying. I lost a sibling, so I know how you feel, being as one and now you are left to yourself with no one who can really relate. I love that you are speaking for your sister for now she can not and because of this beautiful act that you are doing you will be making a difference in someones life.
    I hope each day gets better for you. My journey without my brother is getting better each day. Next week it’ll be 3 years and thankfully I’m still here to remember him. It will get better and I hope that during this time in your life God is with you now, more than ever. Think of the poem “footprints in the sand” The times when you have seen only one set of footprints, is when I carried you…
    The Lord will carry you through this time in your life.
    God Bless

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      February 23, 2011 at 9:20 am

      Thank you so much for your beautiful response.

      The hardest part after losing your loved one is going forward, which you already know. Kay was the best friend I ever had. EVER. I shall never be better……only different without her.

      I am not enjoying my journey, but I know God will help me put one foot in front of the other.

      Love Love Love xxx

      Kim

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