In Memory of Kay

Life Goes On.


 

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life.   It goes on.”
– Robert Frost

DAY 1 :       Watched “The Brave One”  last night.  Jody Foster converts into a vigilante after her  boyfriend is mugged and beaten to death in NYC.

 One of the cute cops says to Foster– “ Can I ask you something?  How did you pull it all togetherHow did you do that

You don’t,” She replies.   “You just become somebody else.     A stranger.”

That is what I’ve become.     

    That is what I see when I look into the mirror.

 DAY 2:       People can die before their heart stops.

   That’s for damn sure.

The question is…..How do they resurrect, get back up, and rise from the dead?

How do they climb from the darkness into daylight? 

How do they take back the pleasure, the joy?

I want it back.   I want it back.    I want it all back.    Now now now now

 

DAY 3:        What do people do that don’t believe in God?

I mean, how do they survive death, tragedy,  all the  fucking evil in this world? 

   Even the monsters inside their own families? 

How can they continue to exist considering that nothing  is greater than themselves, that nothing is bigger than their own irrelevant, minuscule  lives?

I  assumed I was in the  depths of HELL…

But True Hell is not knowing where your loved ones go, not knowing there is MORE….More….

True Hell is denying the soul has a place to go when it flies away.

True Hell is leaving this heartbreaking world and not uniting with Kay again.

    I loathe you,  HELL.  I loathe you death.  I loathe you life.

DAY 4:       It’s been exactly 8 months since Kay was murdered by the monster that dined at our dinner table for 30 years.

It’s not getting any better.  I’ve come to that inevitable conclusion.

 Time ticks her maddening, exasperating, deafening  ticks…… but it will never get better…

I miss our Sunday latte dates, our Barnes & Noble dates, our chicken wings and wine dates.

I miss our late night calls, our” I love you” morning calls, our bitching about mom calls.

I miss all of it….all of it…. all of it.

I miss getting into her sporty powdered- blue car and blasting Lady Antebellum to full volume.  I miss singing loudly & piercingly  to “ Need You Now!”

I miss seeing her name on Facebook, my telephone ID,  my Christmas List.

Oh, God, Help me.  Will you help me?  Who can help me?

DAY 5:        There was an intervention at my house.

I get home from work and the whole family is sitting on the couch as if I’m on Dr. Phil, Dr. Drew, or whatever the hell their names are.  I almost expected a camera crew to arrive out from the shadows.

I’m like, “What the hell is going on?”

 

My dad says, “Are you taking your blood pressure pills?”

My mom chimes, “You need to make your mammogram appointment?”

Hubby says, “We are all going to watch you take your blood pressure pill.  I’ll get you some water.”

Kay’s son, Jordan ( who’s will be in medical school) is observing from the kitchen chair.

“You gotta take care of yourself, Kim.” He asserts. “ I’m worried.  I’ll make your appointment for you. The doctor that I work with is great.”

All I’m thinking is   Why.  Why.  Why.

How can things remain the same after Kay?

DAY 6:        I have an Dr. appointment for next week.  I’ll tell her my story;  my families story, the universe’s story.

 It seems to define us now.

My African Pal, Mercy, has this aphorism that’s engraved inside my brain.  She constantly tells me this:

   MAN MUST LIVE.  No matter what:   MAN MUST LIVE.

 

I’ve been trying to figure another way out, another option, another  alternative….

But I can’t.

 I suppose, I must live.

I don’t know what else to do.

DAY 7:         Women have been writing to me about their own domestic abuse, their own pain. 

I do not feel qualified to give them advice.  I am too consumed with my own tears and mourning and sorrow, my own reality and sting.

But I do tell them this:

— If I could turn back time I’d tell scream this to  Kay……

“Don’t wait ONE MORE DAY.  NOT  ONE MORE FUCKING DAY.  Get out this minute.  NOW.  NOW.  NOW.” 

    Because I could not live without you if he killed you.  I could not last a single day without you.  I could not breathe without you.

     But I am.

Kim My best friend was murdered on May 26, 2010.  She shall Never be released. I shall never stop sceaming out her story.  Her heart beats inside my heart.  Love.  Always.  Forever.

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24 Comments

  • Reply
    Tia
    January 30, 2011 at 8:44 am

    Kim, I love you.

    Tia

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 30, 2011 at 2:18 pm

      I love you more …..

  • Reply
    Tweets that mention Life Goes On. :: My Inner Chick -- Topsy.com
    January 30, 2011 at 8:47 am

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Hello_Ladies, krrobi. krrobi said: RT @krrobi Life Goes On. http://bit.ly/g5vBHW #Domestic #Abuse #Violence #family #girlfriends […]

  • Reply
    Tara
    January 30, 2011 at 9:13 am

    “Man must live.” That about sums it up. It’s the dying part we have the most difficult time with. Not so much for the person doing the dying, but for the people they leave behind. The world seems different, and it’ll never feel the same.

    I’m not surprised things aren’t getting easier, Kim. But you’re blessed to have such an amazing support system in your family. That’s must’ve been shocking to find them all waiting for you like that! But they love you, and they need you. Kay’s son needs you, so for his sake, please do your best to take care of yourself.

    We need you too! Love you…

    Tara

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 30, 2011 at 2:19 pm

      Thanks, Tara for your constant support & smile & insight. xxxxx Luv U

  • Reply
    Val
    January 30, 2011 at 9:16 am

    Hi Kim, been a long time since I talked to you. I know the pain of losing Kay is still intense, and I hope that time and the process of writing will give you some peace. Your friends at Skirt are always thinking of you and sending you love. Best to you, strong wise wonderful woman. xo

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 30, 2011 at 2:20 pm

      Val, writing has saved me…it always has. Love to you. Always. Forever.

  • Reply
    Mercy
    January 30, 2011 at 10:01 am

    True…man must live! It is sooo painful and hard. Living is hard, yet what can we do? Only to live and hope, that in the midst of it all, someday living will be easier.
    But the pain of living never goes. Yet…
    Man must live.
    Love you Kim. We have to continue…

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 30, 2011 at 2:23 pm

      ~~~~Mercy, when we are empty, we write.
      when we are lonely, we pray
      “I am trying to pray..
      but I have no words. no words for Him.
      xxx Love you more
      than big fat tigers in sunshine. xx

  • Reply
    Amy
    January 30, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    Oh, Kim. Mercy’s words are very powerful and they are true. I know, I know, I know that it is hard not to stomp your foot and demand that the world just STOP until we can catch our breath. But it doesn’t stop. How is it that everything around us goes on when all we want to do is just STOP. . .to be inert? The sad fact is this – as much of you that died the day that Kay died, there is still a large part of you that walks in the world of the living. You HAVE to take your blood-pressure medicine, you HAVE to take care of your physical health. Now, honey, you don’t have to LIKE it and you are more than welcome to glare at me and extend the very middle finger of your lovely and talented right and left hands, but you *do* have to keep your BODY alive while the spirit that is left in you morphs into whatever you are to become throughout this transformation. Everyone manifests their pain, their grief in millions upon millions of different kind of ways. Often times, in our pain, we hurt ourselves and by doing so, hurt others. Jordan is worried enough about you to intervene. I know it’s hard to take, but it’s only out of love that he’s doing this. You may not feel like living for a very, very long time. But there are people who want and need you. And, one day, you may not resent living quite so much. If that day ever comes, you don’t have to feel guilty about it. If that day ever comes, and you DO feel guilty about it, please let me know. I can’t tell you exactly what it will feel like to YOU, but I can let you know that you aren’t alone in working through the guilt of living when someone you hold so dear is physically gone from you. xoxo

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 30, 2011 at 2:25 pm

      Amy, your words soak into my soul.
      They are like prayers for me at this time.
      Luv U even though we’ve never met.
      I know you. I know you.
      ~~K.

  • Reply
    elizabeth
    January 30, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    Kim-
    life does go on. and Kay is right there with you as we are all here for you.

    xx
    elizabeth

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 30, 2011 at 2:25 pm

      Yes, my dear.
      You are one of my angels. Always. Forever.
      xxx

  • Reply
    susan boswell
    January 30, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    “It goes on…” .
    Well I guess that somes up a lot of my drivel. Kim, you are living for you and Kay NOW… because of you she still has a voice. When these people write you and seek council, it is because of Kay. Through this tragedy, her life and your words have combined to make something bigger than either you could have imagined. For as much as I have always loved you through your writing, all your sass and attitude, what you are doing now is amazing. Not that anyone would have chose this, of course, but as you know life goes on. “Now” is all we have, for now. 🙂
    I stand with Dr. Phil nd your family. Take those meds. take care of yourself. This world, Jordy, your family, Kay, and people you don’t even know needs you here- now. What is the Lady Antebellum song, where she sings ” I need you now…” Such a beautiful song… A great irony, you need Kay but others need you. NOW.
    You have work to do, my friend. Keep letting it pour out.
    xxoo S

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      January 30, 2011 at 7:33 pm

      Life goes on…..

      This is the most difficult part of loss.

      Love to you, sweet Susan.

  • Reply
    Janelle
    January 30, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    I’ve been reading your words and praying for you and your family. I love you. Please remember that I am a simple phone call away.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      January 30, 2011 at 7:34 pm

      ~~~We will talk this week. I promise.

      I have not been myself. Thanks for still loving me.

      Love you, Janelle. xxx

  • Reply
    Dad
    January 31, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    Clint Eastwood said dying is easy it’s living that’s hard. Truer words were never spoken. But we have to
    go on for each other. KAY would want that (Take Your Blood Pressure Medicine.

    Love You Love You Love You
    Dad

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      January 31, 2011 at 2:56 pm

      love love love you more than anything in the entire, entire, entire world, daddy.

  • Reply
    Angie
    January 31, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    You don’t know me, but I worked with Kay at the VA Clinic. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, we all still miss her terribly. I still look up every time I hear someone in heels walking down the hallway and almost expect to see her beautiful smiling face. I think this is something that will take time, maybe a lot of time. I found a link to your blog when I visited her facebook page and I have really enjoyed reading your memories of her and the pictures that you have of her here. She meant so much to so many people.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 31, 2011 at 7:50 pm

      ~~~~Dear, Angie,

      Oh, yes, those heels clicking, that wonderful smile…her warm heart.
      I shall never release my dear, sister.

      Never.

      Thanks so much for writing. She loved working at the VA. She talked
      about you guys all the time. She felt so accepted & loved.

      This is really all she wanted out of life….To be accepted & loved.

      Love love love

      Kim

  • Reply
    Helen
    January 31, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    Don’t let that bastard steal your life, too. Not Kay AND you. Don’t let the son of a bitch win. Living your life well…..keeping Kay’s beautiful memories alive through your writings, emotions, and pictures….let that be your revenge upon him………

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 31, 2011 at 10:44 pm

      Oh, Helen, I am trying. I am trying. But it is so difficult.

      Thanks for reading & your encouraging words.

      Always.

      xx K.

  • Reply
    Debbie
    February 2, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    Kim,

    I miss you. I too am beginning to focus on me after a year of grief and worry. I don’t
    much care about alot right now, but I’ll do it for Marcus. 2010 kicked my ass. I’ve lost
    25lbs. since the end of May.I have been to at least 36 funerals in the past 12 yrs. & always
    felt blessed to have so many friends and family until lately when they leave me.I’m rambling, I’m heartsick.
    I’m still praying for my family.I might take a class for Grief Facilitator they have at St. Mary’s a couple times a yr. or so.

    GOD doesn’t comfort us to make us comfortable;
    He comforts us to make us comforters.

    Have I told you lately that I love you?

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