“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. It goes on.”
– Robert Frost
DAY 1 : Watched “The Brave One” last night. Jody Foster converts into a vigilante after her boyfriend is mugged and beaten to death in NYC.
One of the cute cops says to Foster– “ Can I ask you something? How did you pull it all together? How did you do that”
“You don’t,” She replies. “You just become somebody else. A stranger.”
That is what I’ve become.
That is what I see when I look into the mirror.
DAY 2: People can die before their heart stops.
That’s for damn sure.
The question is…..How do they resurrect, get back up, and rise from the dead?
How do they climb from the darkness into daylight?
How do they take back the pleasure, the joy?
I want it back. I want it back. I want it all back. Now now now now
DAY 3: What do people do that don’t believe in God?
I mean, how do they survive death, tragedy, all the fucking evil in this world?
Even the monsters inside their own families?
How can they continue to exist considering that nothing is greater than themselves, that nothing is bigger than their own irrelevant, minuscule lives?
I assumed I was in the depths of HELL…
But True Hell is not knowing where your loved ones go, not knowing there is MORE….More….
True Hell is denying the soul has a place to go when it flies away.
True Hell is leaving this heartbreaking world and not uniting with Kay again.
I loathe you, HELL. I loathe you death. I loathe you life.
DAY 4: It’s been exactly 8 months since Kay was murdered by the monster that dined at our dinner table for 30 years.
It’s not getting any better. I’ve come to that inevitable conclusion.
Time ticks her maddening, exasperating, deafening ticks…… but it will never get better…
I miss our Sunday latte dates, our Barnes & Noble dates, our chicken wings and wine dates.
I miss our late night calls, our” I love you” morning calls, our bitching about mom calls.
I miss all of it….all of it…. all of it.
I miss getting into her sporty powdered- blue car and blasting Lady Antebellum to full volume. I miss singing loudly & piercingly to “ Need You Now!”
I miss seeing her name on Facebook, my telephone ID, my Christmas List.
Oh, God, Help me. Will you help me? Who can help me?
DAY 5: There was an intervention at my house.
I get home from work and the whole family is sitting on the couch as if I’m on Dr. Phil, Dr. Drew, or whatever the hell their names are. I almost expected a camera crew to arrive out from the shadows.
I’m like, “What the hell is going on?”
My dad says, “Are you taking your blood pressure pills?”
My mom chimes, “You need to make your mammogram appointment?”
Hubby says, “We are all going to watch you take your blood pressure pill. I’ll get you some water.”
Kay’s son, Jordan ( who’s will be in medical school) is observing from the kitchen chair.
“You gotta take care of yourself, Kim.” He asserts. “ I’m worried. I’ll make your appointment for you. The doctor that I work with is great.”
All I’m thinking is Why. Why. Why.
How can things remain the same after Kay?
DAY 6: I have an Dr. appointment for next week. I’ll tell her my story; my families story, the universe’s story.
It seems to define us now.
My African Pal, Mercy, has this aphorism that’s engraved inside my brain. She constantly tells me this:
MAN MUST LIVE. No matter what: MAN MUST LIVE.
I’ve been trying to figure another way out, another option, another alternative….
But I can’t.
I suppose, I must live.
I don’t know what else to do.
DAY 7: Women have been writing to me about their own domestic abuse, their own pain.
I do not feel qualified to give them advice. I am too consumed with my own tears and mourning and sorrow, my own reality and sting.
But I do tell them this:
— If I could turn back time I’d tell scream this to Kay……
“Don’t wait ONE MORE DAY. NOT ONE MORE FUCKING DAY. Get out this minute. NOW. NOW. NOW.”
Because I could not live without you if he killed you. I could not last a single day without you. I could not breathe without you.
But I am.