In Memory of Kay

Love. Always. Forever.


 —“Do not go gentle into that good night. … Rage, rage against
the dying of the light.”  –Dylan Thomas

DAY 1:        it’s been 7 months, 2 weeks, and 5 days since the lights went out in my universe.

I’m afraid to go forward.   I’m afraid to let go.  The past hurts me.

There are things worst than death.

Living with a partial heart & soul is of them.

I carry this burden, this trauma, this deep loss…I carry it….

don’t know how to lay it down. 

I have a sense people are sick of my bullshit, my lamenting, my screaming, my anger, my negativity, my loneliness, and mostly, mostly…

    my lack of existing.

And the thing is….I don’t give a damn what they think.  I don’t give a damn. 

I am already with the people who love me.

 

 DAY 2:        Dreamed about Kay.

She was sitting in mom’s kitchen as she always had.  Sitting in the  wooden chair munching on Doritos or something like that.

  When she saw me come in she nonchalantly remarked,

“Hey Kimmie.  What’s up!”

I stood stunned.  I stood staring. 

“What are you doing here?”  I squealed.

I ran up to her.  I ran as fast as I could.  I ran like a child running to her mother, her nurturer.

I began kissing her all over her face, her cheeks, her eyelids  ….

Kissing.  Kissing.  Kissing. 

She smelled of clean air…something that had been hung out to dry in spring.

That’s all I remember.

DAY 3:        Jordan had a tattoo put on his back on Wednesday. 

 

If I were 20, I’d do it too.   Even 30.  I’d have my angel someplace on my skin to see and touch everyday.

But not now…..not now.

For she is tattooed within my mind, my brain, my internal organs, my essence,  my soul.

Eternally.  Always.  Forever. 

DAY 4:       I have another sister.

Her name is Tia.

She sat on the cold floor with me in the emergency room as I screamed and yelled and cursed the darkness.

Together— we sat with Kay for the last time stroking her hair, running our fingers over her skin, her eyebrows, her arms. 

I remember spinning in circles uttering, “What should I do?  What should I do?  What the hell should I do?”

She held my hand as I gave the eulogy for the best friend I ever had.  She grasped it fully and tightly as I tried to find my way to the podium, as I read ee cummings, as I stood there like half a human being.

She calls me everyday.   She loves me everyday.

She listens  without ceasing when I utter things like, “Why the hell am I still living?  Why would God leave me here without Kay?  Why can’t I be with her?”

And she makes me laugh when I want drown inside my own tears.  She makes me laugh when I least expect it.

DAY 5:    A little girl told me I look old today.

She walked up to me at school and said sweetly, “Mrs. Robinson, you look older than you did last year.”

8 months ago I would have lost sleep over that statement.

I would have made an appointment for Botox, dermabrasion, laser resurfacing, and a chemical peel.

I would have raced up to the Mall and bought Vitamin E and Hydroxyl Acids.

I would have called Kay and moaned, “I’m Old!  I’m Ugly!  And not only that, but I’m FAT! 

And she would have retorted:  “YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE AMAZING.  YOU ARE CURVACEOUS  LIKE SOPHIA LOREN.”

I didn’t care this time.  It all seemed so superficial and plastic.

But I do know this:   Crying, Unhappiness, and Loneliness makes one  look  OLD, OLD,  OLD! 

AND I DON”T GIVE A SHIT. 

DAY 6:      Watching American Idol was a bit of “Still Waters”

My god, Jenifer Lopez reminds me of Kay.  Everybody told her that.

She never leaves me.  Never.  Never.  Even in the midst of Still Waters. 

DAY 7:      Sanity and insanity are held together by a VERY thin thread.

Today I am somewhat sane, but it I let go…I mean, really let go—release all of it completely, entirely…let it flow into the river of reality…let it flow into my consciousness….let it flow into the universe….

     our everyday existence without Kay, our futures without Kay, growing old without Kay,  not being able to call her, love her,  kiss her, hold her again on this earth…..

I may parish while my heart is still beating….Kim, K. & Tia…We will all be united one day again….one day again.  Love love love.  Always.  Forever.


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18 Comments

  • Reply
    Kelly
    January 21, 2011 at 11:16 am

    You are loved by many!!! You have a wonderful TRUE friend in TIA!!!! As far as anyone getting sick of your “bullshit” Fuck em!!!!! I don’t know what I would do without your wonderful REAL writings!!!! If I wanted sugar coated bullshit I would buy a novel!!!!

    I don’t think you understand how your writings affect (effect?) me (or others) your devestating pain has brought ME to a place I never thought I would be!!! I feel close to Kay and I NEVER KNEW her!!! But she has become a HUGE part of me and I am SO proud of that!!! I heard Cher’s song, “If I could turn back time” and you and Kay were the first thing that popped in my pea brain!! I started crying because of your.. no, make that “OUR” loss.

    When you stop feeling the pain that’s when it gets BAD… Trust me!

    Love Love Love!!!

    Kel

  • Reply
    dad
    January 21, 2011 at 11:20 am

    Kim
    As Kay’s dad i know how you feel, it’s not easy living without her on this earth.but it makes feel better
    to know where she is——————- she is with Jesus, & we will see her when God says it’s our time.
    Than we will be with her forever.
    Jorden’s tattoo is beautiful, thats how much Kay meant to him. Mom just got done rubbing it
    with some kind of cream to sooth it. LOVE YOU
    Dad

  • Reply
    Karen Sosnoski
    January 21, 2011 at 11:35 am

    I love the descriptions of your friend Tia at your side and of how Kay would have comforted you in the past. You really get sisterhood and you really get across powerfully how your sister helped you survive and thrive, along with your grief and anger and utter confusion over losing so prematurely and unnecessarily this woman who made your life complete. People in your life and among your readers may wish things were different for you–I do–but that’s not the same as thinking you have no right to still be grief-stricken, no right to express your authentic feelings. You have EVERY right to feel every ounce of your pain and in sharing your grief you make it possible for others to be real as well–about what our sisters mean to us, or about what the loss of a sister feels like. Grief may make you unconventional, less mainstream in some ways, but we’re all inundated with conventional thinking and need to hear what you have to offer. Please keep writing as yourself–whomever you are when you write–always. Too, I think you’re doing your sister some needed justice, bringing her to life for those of us who didn’t know her and no doubt for those that did. Karen

  • Reply
    Beverly
    January 21, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    Hello Precious Kim,

    Grief has no time table. It takes as long as it takes and it’s very individual. If some “people” don’t understand then fuck them!! You cry, you write, you do whatever you need to do! I’m grieving the loss of two dogs, not a sister and soul mate and I can’t even go most days without crying for them. You will get through this. You are strong.

    I never knew Kay; but, I know that she is with you everyday hugging you close, enveloping you in her love. Keep writing about your feelings and talking with your loved ones. when you are ready, you will emerge from the cocoon of grief .

    Love,

    Beverly

  • Reply
    Mercy
    January 21, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    Kim,
    Keep writing. I think it is great that you are immortalizing Kay’s beauty and love through your words, and it is even better that you are sharing it with us. We get to know her and love her even in her absence.

    *I love the tatoo Jordan got. It is beautiful.*
    Keep writing my dear friend.

  • Reply
    elizabeth
    January 21, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    Kim,
    I have to say that having a friend like Tia makes such a difference. You have someone who was there with you and Kay. having that bond is invaluable and I want to thank Tia for being Tia and being there for you.
    And how much you family loves you – your father’s note was from the love he feels for his girls.
    Love Jordan’s tattoo and wings can lift us up and show us another way to look at life.
    you all have an angel looking out for you. and you have us.
    xxx
    elizabeth

  • Reply
    Debbie
    January 21, 2011 at 8:27 pm

    My dear Kim.

    The pain will never leave, you will hopefully learn to live with it somehow,someday, and I have no idea how except God. I have learned that tragedy and death of our loved ones will not stop so we must enjoy and love each other each and every day. The past 8 mos. have been nothing but grief for us and I can’t bear to see my loved ones in such immense pai, so I will contiue to pray for us all. I love you so much.
    Debbie
    XXXOOO

  • Reply
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    January 21, 2011 at 9:38 pm

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by krrobi, krrobi. krrobi said: RT @krrobi Love. Always. Forever. http://bit.ly/fZJ0yv #death #Domestic #Abuse #Violence #family #God #of […]

  • Reply
    Tia
    January 22, 2011 at 8:32 am

    I love you Kim and you are a gift from God in my life that I will always cherish. Jordan’s tatoo ROCKS!!!

    Love you,
    Tia

  • Reply
    Kim Sisto-Robinson
    January 22, 2011 at 9:47 am

    ~~~I love all of you soooooooooooo much.

    Thanks for reading words from a woman going insane, insane, insane.

    A woman that has become quite Sylvia Plathish.

    Love love love,

    Kim~~~

  • Reply
    Jodene
    January 22, 2011 at 10:29 am

    Love you, Kim. Jordan’s tattoo is truly exquisite. Keep writing, keep sharing – it never gets old, or tiresome or whatever others may insinuate. I wish peace and healing for you and keep you and your family in my prayers always.

  • Reply
    Charlene
    January 22, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    Love you so much Kim. Yes keep writing. We will keep reading. God has blessed you with Tia and with family and friends that love you. And I hope you know that WAS Kay in your dream. She was visiting you and telling you she’s okay. You will be with her again one day…but I’m sorry my friend…you’ll just have to wait…

  • Reply
    Jordan
    January 23, 2011 at 3:12 pm

    Kim, I truly love you so much. Our angel is with us or otherwise we would be in a different state right now. Your writing is inspirational and is changing the lives of many as she did every day. Keep up the amazing work and I promise, the dividends will pay Kim. Believe me. Love you so very much.

  • Reply
    Kim Sisto-Robinson
    January 23, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    Jordan,

    I love you soooooooooooooooooooooo much. So much. So much. so so so much

    And your tattoo is HOT!

    Your mama loves it…I know, cuz she’s watching us.

    xxx

  • Reply
    Blond Duck
    January 24, 2011 at 4:50 am

    Popped in from Lady Bloggers. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  • Reply
    Alina
    January 25, 2011 at 8:12 am

    KIM I LOVE YOUUUUU!

    I also love Jordans tat!!!

  • Reply
    Fatima
    January 26, 2011 at 6:37 am

    Hi Kim, first of all I want to thank you for visiting http://www.squidoo.com/help-the-domestic-violence-victims and leaving your comment there. I am really sorry about your story, what you have here is heartbreaking, her pictures are beautiful and is all so unfair. Everytime I get a new story gets harder, I write about domestic violance and I want to save people, and I feel useless, people are dying everyday and no one is listening to the warnings, I want people to be careful and run away from the abusers, I want the to see how fatal this all is, I know how it is. I got out in time not one but twice, I was so lucky! I want to help but I really don’t know how else I can. When I see the pain all this is causing not only the victims but also the people they leave behind, they are the ones who will suffer longer. I’m so so sorry for your loss, if you want me to add your sisters story to one of my articles just let me know. Actually you have a squidoo account you you want to write one yourself I will give you all the help you need to get it see by the world.
    All the best
    Fatima

  • Reply
    Kim Sisto-Robinson
    January 26, 2011 at 7:31 am

    Dear, Fatima,

    I added a Squido account because I wanted to make a comment on your site.

    I have several articles under “Memory of Kay” on my web-site.

    Please, pick whatever one you want to share on you blog.

    Let me know what you decide.

    You are helping several woman!

    Awareness is HUGE. And this is what you are accomplishing.

    I only wish it would have helped my sister.

    Stay in touch, Fatima.

    Love love love.

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