In Memory of Kay

Distractions & Still Waters


 

—-My life hangs upon me, and becomes a burden; I am ten times undone, while hope, fear, and grief and rage, and love rise up at once, and with variety of pain, distract me—Joseph Addison

Alan (brother) & Kay.   love love love U both soooo much. 

 

DAY 1:       What happens in-between my mourning and lamenting are the distractions and diversions that urge me forward. 

Illustration:    Baked brownies the other night for a brief  intermission from my unhappiness.

 The scent of vanilla & chocolate intermingled through the house.

 The only problem was I forgot to add the oil and eggs—- but I didn’t dare  tell anybody. 

They already think I’m nuts.

My son,  Andrew,  comes home and says, “What happened to these brownies?  They’re like freaking rocks.” 

He ate it anyhow.  He likes chocolate rocks.  He loves his mother.

I forget things.

 Especially how to be alive.    ( Oh, and obviously how to bake brownies)

DAY 2:        Mornings, I despise you.

 Waking up to the same truth day after day.  The reality of your sister; the one linked to your veins, blood, heart, and childhood is gone forever.

MURDERED.       Was KILLED KILLED KILLED killed  by somebody that sat at our dinner table for 30 long years 

A flower left out.

I can’t seem to get past that….find my way out, find my way into some sort of familiar light.  A light I once knew well.

How can it be dark when it’s light?    How can it be cold when it’s warm?  

MIKE KILLED KAY.    

I remember calling my girlfriend telling her that two day after it happened. 

 “MIKE KILLED KAY,” I said quietly.  “Mike Killed Kay.”

After seven months, I still can’t believe it, grasp it, accept it. 

 I’ll never accept it.

DAY 3:        Days consist of distractions, pauses, &  periods of some relief. 

I live in two separate universes.

  One is dead.  The other has a pulse trying to break free. 

 One is below water.  The other is trying to reach the surface.

I’m not sure how to assimilate these two worlds together….not sure how to breathe normally without Kay by my side comforting me.

Not sure how to get my heart pumping again.

DAY 4:      I pray the same prayer every night.  The only one I remember.  The only one I’ve memorized.  The only one I’m able to say.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.    ( But I DO Want.  I DO want.)

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:     (I am lying down, but the pasture is not green)
He leadeth me beside the still waters.    (The distractions must be the still waters, right?) 

DAY 5:       I love my husband.  Love, love, love him.

He listens to me cry and scream and talk about Kay all day long.   He listens to me scream and utter a new vocabulary that now includes:   FUCK.  Fuck.  Fuck.

I used to be a nice Christian girl.  But somehow the word fuck seems to be quite apt.

He holds me when I’m sobbing with snot is running down my face and mascara is streaming down my cheeks.

I am ugly when I do that.  Sometimes I smell because I forget to put on deodorant. I feel so much less, so much less….

And he still loves me, loves me, loves me.

DAY 6:     Watched Julie & Julia.

This was a delightful distraction.  This was the Still Waters.

Julie writes to find herself; writes to find purpose; writes to carry on….  I do too.

She discovers Julia Child.  She discovers coq au vin and boeuf bourguignon and bruschetta w/ ricotta.   She discovers a culinary revelation.

Two strait ours of Still Waters.  Two strait hours of not crying over the love of my life.

DAY 7:      I drive to the cemetery after work. 

Snow falls softly on Kay’s headstone. White on sapphire granite.  A sallow blanket across the earth. 

 I hang another cross in her tree.  I hang the rest of my heart in her tree.  I hang part of my childhood in her tree.

 I sit next to her as “I Can Only Imagine ” plays loudly from my open car door.  I sit staring at her face.

 I watch the white fall, fall, fall from the sky like wet kisses.

I don’t like how the snow covers my sister’s gravestone, how it shrouds her face, her lips, the pearls around her neck.

I keep wiping the flakes off with my mittens, but it does no good.  It just keeps covering her up.

I am alone in the graveyard, except for hundreds of stones and a few deer eating from the branches.

 

      I am so alone sometimes that it hurts, hurts, hurts.


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17 Comments

  • Reply
    Tara
    January 16, 2011 at 9:42 am

    Oh Kim, I wanna give you a big, tight hug soooo bad! Keep on writing, love. Your words leave me speechless, as I know there’s absolutely nothing I can say to heal your broken heart. I doubt anything ever will. All I can say is keep writing.

    I started reading a book, and (once again) it made me think of you. It’s by Saint John of the Cross, and it’s called the “Dark Night of the Soul.” The title does a well enough job of describing the contents. It was written by John while he was imprisoned during the Inquisition, when he was being tortured and lost all zest for life and God. It’s a beautifully-seductive work about navigating the darkness when we’re feeling choked by it.

    Let me know if you want me to send you a copy. Love you.

    Tara

  • Reply
    Dad
    January 16, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    Kim i love you with all my heart—————— keep writing.
    By the way i have (COQ AU VIN) in my crossword puzzles sometimes, I never knew what it meant.
    Thank you.

  • Reply
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  • Reply
    Amy
    January 16, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    I have nothing real to say. . .just letting your painful, beautiful words sink in. Love you.

  • Reply
    Kelly
    January 16, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    Kim,
    You have given me so much!! My heart hurts I can’t even IMAGINE what pain your heart is feeling!!!! You are my Hero and I know for a fact you are Kay’s too!!!! You see it as being weak and all I see is your StreNgTH and it is REMARKABLE!!!! The power of your words are gut wrenching!!!!!

    LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!

  • Reply
    Cindy
    January 16, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    You made wonderful brownies to make our classroom smell yummy, Kim! You are an amazing woman! 🙂 **hugs**

  • Reply
    Charlene
    January 16, 2011 at 9:40 pm

    I would happily eat your chocolate rocks every day. What you said about your husband made my heart smile. xoxox

  • Reply
    Barbara
    January 17, 2011 at 1:58 am

    My breath stops when I read your words. I hang on every one. I agree with Charlene – your words about your husband make me smile. You are surrounded by love.

  • Reply
    Holly Diane
    January 17, 2011 at 4:10 am

    I found you on Lady Bloggers Tea party social. I have a sister that is my heart too and have been going thru some painful things with her lately..your blog touched me. I can’t even imagine losing her and my heart breaks for you knowing your loss.

    Holly

  • Reply
    Carla
    January 17, 2011 at 7:57 am

    Kim, I think of you so often and my heart breaks for you. I can only imagine how painful it is to learn how to live with your new reality. I love you lots! Please keep writing. Based on your blogs, it is not only helping you slowly heal, it is a gift to others who can apply your words to their own situations.

  • Reply
    Karen
    January 17, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    Loved the details about how your son and husband show their enduring love. Thinking of you. Karen

  • Reply
    Carmen Crowner
    January 17, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    Ask me how many times my heart has been broken and I will tell you to look in the sky and count the stars.

  • Reply
    Sharon Howard
    January 17, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    Dear Kim,

    The pain you are going through just breaks my heart! Hopefully, through your beautiful writing, you can find the peace that you deserve. I think about you often. Love, Sharon

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 17, 2011 at 7:10 pm

      ~~Thank you, Sharon. I appreciate you. xx K.

  • Reply
    kitty cat
    January 18, 2011 at 1:54 am

    Great Post!! Thank you very much!

  • Reply
    Tia
    January 18, 2011 at 6:40 pm

    I love you!!!!

    Tia

  • Reply
    Sarah
    January 19, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    Kim,
    I love reading each and every one of your blogs. My heart breaks for you knowing how much pain you are going through. You are a strong woman, and a wonderful writer. Please keep writing! Your blogs not only help you heal, but I know that they are helping others as well. <3

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