In Memory of Kay

Loss, Longing, & Becoming Born Again


JANUARY 7, 2010

~~~It’s been 7 months, 1 week, and 4 days since my sister’s ex-husband placed a beretta to the back of her beautiful head and squeezed the trigger three times.

She had just returned from the dentist… She was pulling her long hair into a ponytail….she was walking out the front door to take her daily hike.

She was the best friend I ever had.

He saved the last bullet for himself… for his irrelevant, insignificant, monstrous self. 

For his sinister, manipulative, miserable self.

Darkness fell.

Wings folded.

A heavy weight of shadows covered the entire earth.  My earth.  My existence.

I remember thinking— So this is what HELL feels like.   So this is what DARKNESS is

So this is what a butterfly might experience if it metamorphosised  back  into a caterpillar…

    Her belly wedged to the ground for a second time.

I also  realized we have this invisible core that rises, lifts,  and erupts from the soul like an explosion.

It’s there.    I know.    I still suffer its sharp claws. 

And I pray to Jesus that none of you will ever experience it… feel it climb from your center like a black cyclone.

After knowing all of this.  After now being educated…. I’m just curious…..

Would  you please think twice before uttering sentences such as these:

“Was your Holiday great?”

“Why aren’t you smiling?”

“Well, how would you fill up that  void if your sister were in China?”  (yes, somebody asked me this)

“Have you thought about medication?”

“If you’re not better In six months, you’ll need further attention.”

“It will get better.”

“Life goes on.”

      Blah::::::::::Blah::::::::::::Blah::::::::::::Blah::::::::::::Shut the hell up::::::::::::::

Now after informing you on such matters,  your  ignorance should be wiped away and you should know better.

For your information:

One does not get better.  I will never be better.  I am changed.  Forever.  This IS NOT a void to be filled.  My sister, the best friend I ever had, the blood of my blood IS NOT IN FUCKING CHINA.  She  is inside a coffin at Oneonta Cemetery.  Do you not comprehend the difference? 

I’m not sure how to live without her yet.  I’m not sure how to inhale and exhale some mornings.  I’m not sure how I’m going to make it through

     One. More.  Solitary.  Day.

I never knew how exhausting joylessness was. 

 I never knew one could cry for 7 strait months.

It’s  like being born again—starting over—learning how to eat and drink again.

Only this time you have the memories…..the regrets….the love.

It’s almost like dying and resurrecting into something entirely new…something  less than you were before.

         Only this time you still hold the  Love  Love  Love  Inside.   You hold onto it with everything you have.

Kay Marie was murdered on May 26th. 2010.    My world weighs so much less.  My life is so much less.


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26 Comments

  • Reply
    Helen
    January 6, 2011 at 11:23 pm

    There will ALWAYS be those ignorant people who say ignorant things. Those people will never realize they should just shut the f — up if they can’t say something appropriate. You want to scream at them, but hey won’t comprehend it due to their ignorance. And their arrogance in thinking they know something about anything. It’s a vicious circle. My soul cries for you.

  • Reply
    Stacy from Skirt Mag
    January 7, 2011 at 1:44 am

    Kim, my heart goes out to you. I think of you as a friend from all your wonderful comments, and was so shocked and saddened to read this post. You are the best sister in this world to feel Kay’s death so deeply. I know nothing can adequately speak to this loss, but you and Kay Marie are much on my mind.
    With warmest thoughts,
    Stacy from Skirt Mag.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 7, 2011 at 10:47 pm

      Thank You, Stacy,

      ~ for your nice thoughts. I’ve treasured all of your essays.

      Love. love love, Kim

  • Reply
    Amy
    January 7, 2011 at 5:02 am

    (hug) Love you. (hug)

  • Reply
    elizabeth
    January 7, 2011 at 5:48 am

    love you. And people mean well, but as we know, pain and sadness make people uncomfortable. They should just hold your hand, or pat you on the back and just say a silent prayer for you and your family. elizabeth

  • Reply
    Charlene
    January 7, 2011 at 6:25 am

    Ditto on Amy and Elizabeth. Hugs and love. Hugs and love. And yes, people do mean well, but…ARGH!!!…hoping you know I’m holding your hand from over 2,000 miles away.

  • Reply
    Alina
    January 7, 2011 at 7:55 am

    Kim,
    I agree with Elizabeth…people are awkward and uncomfortable. Like you said, not one person can say ANYTHING to you that will even come close to consoling you. But I want you to know, FROM ME, that I think of you and Kay all the damn time. I’ve never met Kay, but feel like I have from reading your blogs,and looking at pictures…(well snooping through pictures in your home:) ). I read these blogs over and over, and share your website with many, many people. You are very much loved.

  • Reply
    susan boswell
    January 7, 2011 at 8:26 am

    Kim, I think of you and Kay so often. I hope you feel some of the hugs and love that are constantly sent your way by me and the folks out there whom you have never met … Folks whose lives this tragic event has touched. Any lesser person/sister/friend would have had this grief trapped inside them. We might have never known… But your gift of expression, art and passion permit us into a view of your broken soul, and while it is heartbreaking , it is such an honor to share. You are an amazing and beautiful woman. We love you.

  • Reply
    Mercy
    January 7, 2011 at 9:50 am

    Love you. Love you.

  • Reply
    Fremmie S. L
    January 7, 2011 at 10:49 am

    A very sad story. Your sister(who is very beautiful) died in a brutal manner that is inhuman.

    Even sadder is the fact that people never know what to tell someone who has lost a loved one. Sometimes we say things, hoping to lessen the pain, but it ends up causing more pain.

    I am one of the people who do not know what to say to someone going through a deep pain like yours, so I often keep quiet.
    You write in a descriptive moving tone. Your sister is proud of you.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 7, 2011 at 10:48 pm

      Simon, How nice of you and Mercy to write to me from Africa 🙂

      I appreciate your prayers and comments.

      Love love love

      Kim

  • Reply
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  • Reply
    Karen
    January 7, 2011 at 11:06 am

    Dear Kim,
    The husband of a friend of mine committed suicide the same month that your sister was murdered. The first time I spoke to her after the suicide, I know I babbled like an idiot. I couldn’t believe this was happening to her, I so wanted it not to be true. Afterwards I read that suicide survivors are often traumatized or further traumatized by the stupid things people say to them after the event. That the comments ring in their heads for years. I felt miserable, but I could only try to change my ways, to listen more than talk in the future and I have to say that sometimes I still feel wrong–it’s hard to stay in tune with the cycles of overwhelming grief followed by moments of lightening (in her case) and as bad as her situation is, there are elements to your story that are even more tragic. So please know that while some people will always be ignorant, others that seem so now may still manage to be there for you inn the future. You’re helping people to better understand the grief and rage of the survivors of violent loss. I feel so badly that you have to deal with ignorance as well as everything else, but please know that many people love you including some of those who may not yet know how to express it in helpful ways. Xo

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      January 7, 2011 at 10:49 pm

      Karen,

      I feel the love.

      You have been a great support to me over these VERY dark months.

      Thank you for that.

      Love love love,

      Kim

  • Reply
    Fremmie S. L
    January 7, 2011 at 11:38 am

    How sad. The way your sister (who is very beautiful) died.

    Even sadder is the fact that sometimes we never know what to say. I am among the people who never know what to say, so often, i never say anything.

    Your writing is so descriptive and true. Your sister is very proud of you, am sure of that.

  • Reply
    Dad
    January 7, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    Dearest Kim
    I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL———— one person, a friend said (SHIT HAPPENS) I could have punched him.
    But i think most people mean well, even if they say the wrong things.( I know I know) than keep your
    mouth shut OK. A friend of mine, his wife died unexspectively, and i told him Jerry i don’t know what to
    say but i am so sorry, and he said that was enough, i know there isn’t more you can say Bob, thanks.
    Love You
    Dad

  • Reply
    Julie G
    January 7, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    Kim,
    Words cannot express the deep loss that you and your family experienced and continue to cause pain and suffering. Nor can words bring back your beloved sister or our beloved friend. What words can do and your words are doing is helping others to feel and sympathize with the extreme pain and loss you are feeling. Words can also provide healing…..I do believe that you are forever changed by those tragic events in May. God has given you a special gift of expressing your thoughts in such a touching way that helps others who have not met Kay get to know her and fall in love with her. How she dealt with her difficult circumstances and perservered is an example of faith and love to others with similiar struggles. Your writing is the vehicle to tell others about her faith and struggles. Keep writing and healing…..it is a slow process just like learning to walk is. And it is OK to cry as often as you need to. That is healing too!
    God Bless you Sister!
    Love You,
    Julie

  • Reply
    colleen
    January 9, 2011 at 2:20 am

    The darkness sucks you in. the anger rages, the river deepins from your tears.o kim i wish i could take your pain away.Thinking of you .colleen

  • Reply
    zodiac vortex 3
    January 9, 2011 at 10:02 am

    It’s the best time to make some plans for the future and it is time to be happy. I have read this post and if I could I desire to suggest you some interesting things or advice. Perhaps you could write next articles referring to this article. I want to read even more things about it!

  • Reply
    Tina
    January 9, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    Really?

    REALLY?

    What is wrong with people….

  • Reply
    Jennifer Tuma-Young
    January 10, 2011 at 7:14 am

    Kim- I am without words, tears streaming down my face, and am in awe of your strength and honesty. I did not know. How very, very sorry I am.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      January 11, 2011 at 10:38 am

      Jennifer, thank you for your response. How quickly one’s life can change. I never realized that a heart could actually be split wide open.

  • Reply
    Kim Gagnon
    January 10, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    Love you with all my heart!!!OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXO X K
    Wine soon!!

  • Reply
    Elizabeth Defosset
    January 15, 2011 at 10:39 pm

    Nice site. Great writing style and very informative. Keep writing and i’ll keep reading.

  • Reply
    Linda
    August 25, 2011 at 12:49 am

    kim,

    found this site tonite. 2;43am. Crying all nite evertime I see Kay’s picture and the day Mike murdered her. I wish with all my heart I could take away your pain. Was able to see Kay several times the last yr. or so before this happened. It felt so wonderful to connect with her again. Missed her then and always will.

    Love,
    Linda, Kathy, Dan

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 25, 2011 at 7:33 am

      LInda,
      thanks for writing.
      Can you tell me who you are?
      Sorry. My mind isn’t how it once was 🙁

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