In Memory of Kay

And I Fall On My Knees


 

~~~My sister used to say more than once…. “Kim, if anything ever happens to me, you must take  my journals.  If you don’t want them, burn them!  Promise me.”

I never, in a million years, in my wildest dreams, in my conscious or unconscious mind,  thought I’d end up with her  journals.

    But I have them.  All of them.  Every damn entry since 1985.

When I swallow her words and sentences and discontentment’s up (a little at a time, or I’d die), I feel her breath smelling sweet and soft like sugar upon my skin;  I feel her tears intermingling with mine;   I hear her sigh that sigh, that silky, satiny sigh;  I feel her heart pressed against mine pounding, pounding as it did when we her kids hidden under our blanket-tent.

I hear her whispering:      Save me.      Save me      Save me.

 

      I couldn’t save her.   I couldn’t fucking save  her.

 I’m so sorry.      I’m so sorry, Kay.

Below  are some recent- random-wrenching entries from her last journal before the murderer placed a gun to the back of her head and shot three times.   

My heart is broken.

 Crushed.

 The pieces scattered.      Too many segments to gather up into a whole.

  It shall never be put back together again.

_____________________________________________________________

~~~~~~~ Some of Kay’s recent entires.

Day 1:    My marriage, as you know, is in turmoil & I think it is beyond repair.  I have no energy to go beyond where I am right now.  I’ve been with him for more years than I’ve been alone…. I am lonely. I am so lonely.  I don’t want this to go on.  Please direct me, God. I am alone in this.

I am Alone.

Day 2:    I need to know what I should do with the rest of my life….it is my  life.  I feel so alone.  I am lonely and fearful of my future.  Show me wisdom.

  Are you listening to me?    Do you hear me?     Do you hear me?

Day 3:    Michael’s birthday.  Oh, I love and cherish my children. I pray for all of my boys…for direction, self confidence and constant protection.  I pray for the  wisdom to be a good mother.  They are the loves of my life.

Day 4:    My life is  incomplete.  Mike and I are not working out as a married couple.  Please give me wisdom, direction.  I need love and affection.  Somebody who cares for me.  Somebody who respects me. I’ve never been comfortable with Mike. I don’t feel safe with him.  We are not compatible.  He does one thing;  I do another.  That is not a marriage.   I am empty.     My spirit is crushed.  He crushes my spirit.

  I have this tremendous worry that I will die before I get the chance to find happiness. 

How much longer?

     How much longer do I need to wait,  Lord?

Day 5:    Another Christmas has come and gone.  My marriage is ending.   It is ended.  Please allow Mike to understand.    I don’t know what else to do for him.  I look back in my journals and see the same pattern over and over again.  A bad marriage.  A terrible life.   I’m not happy.  I haven’t been for years.  What does he want from me?  I don’t love him.  I Don’t  love him.

Day 6:     I need to get Mike out of here. I need for him to leave this house and leave me alone. Please soften his heart so that he may walk away and not be a broken man.  I want the divorce to go smoothly.  Please allow him to stop harassing me.  I pray for my children.  Help me.   Please allow Mike let me go….

Day 7:  (Last entry May 8, 2010)

 My marriage is over.  Mike will not leave me alone.  He will not stop badgering me.  Constantly. He doesn’t stop.  It is too much. When I do things with him, it makes things worse,  not better.  But he seems to need me. … so I go with him when he asks.  Please help us to begin new lives…I am so happy that all of this is finally coming to an end. 

Thank you, God.  Thank you.  Thank you for loving me.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.

———————————————————————————————————–

A Note:  Several people have sent prayers…but none have been equivalent or touched on how I feel….how Kay felt….how the moments are sometimes sinking, sinking, sinking….

How falling on your knees may be the only way out….back into light…back into the world.

Back…but never in one piece.

This song/ prayer sent by my friend, Dar,  could have been written by me…It is me…It was Kay.   It is my prayer when I cannot pray.

May the angels come.  May they take me home.  May my knees fall on the ground often, often. 

Always.    Always looking up.

May my tired mind find God once more. 

Everywhere I Go lyrics

And i fall on my knees
Tell me how’s the way to be
Tell me how’s the way to go
Tell me all that i should know

And i fall on my knees
Tell me how’s the way to go
Tell me how’s the way to be
To evoke some empathy

Danger will follow me now
Everywhere i go
Angels will call on me
And take me to my home
Well this tired mind
Just wants to be lead home

And i fall on my knees
Tell me how’s the way to go
Tell me how’s the way to see
Show me all that i could be

And i fall on my knees
Tell me how’s the way to be yeah
Tell me how’s the way to go
Tell me why i feel so low

Angels will follow me now
Everywhere i go
Angels will call on me
And take me to my home
Well these tired eyes
Just want to remain closed

I don’t see clearly can’t feel nothing no
Can’t you hear me?

And i fall on my knees
And angels will call on me
Now everywhere i go
Angels will call on me
And take me to my home

And angel will fall on me
Everywhere i walk
Angels will call on me
And take me to my home

And angels will call on me
Now everywhere i go
Angels will follow me
Now lead me to my home Kay Marie was Murdered on May 26, 2010…..We shall meet again, my dear ….  Forever.  ALways.  I  shall never release you.  Never as long as I live.


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13 Comments

  • Reply
    Karly Bialas
    January 2, 2011 at 6:35 am

    I simply came across your blog ws sign and possess been reading coupled. I thought I would article my initial review. I dont understand what to say except that I’ve enjoyed reading. Fantastic blog. I will keep visiting this blog often.

  • Reply
    Buy Backlinks
    January 2, 2011 at 10:47 am

    I would like to start my own blog one day. This was a really nice blog that you made here. Keep up the success 😛

  • Reply
    Mercy
    January 2, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    Love you Kim.

    Anytime that i read about your sister, i am swept off. I admire the great love you shared, i feel your pain through your words…

    I wanna be like you.

    Mercy

  • Reply
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    January 2, 2011 at 7:00 pm

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Shirley Schlag. Shirley Schlag said: Heartfelt tears RT @krrobi And I Fall On My Knees http://bit.ly/dNW1jO #Angels #Domestic #Violence #family #God #going #i […]

  • Reply
    Kim Gagnon
    January 2, 2011 at 9:16 pm

    Beautiful pictures, beautiful song. So powerful. Love you.

  • Reply
    Facebook Tricks
    January 3, 2011 at 4:59 am

    Nice blog!

  • Reply
    Ginger
    January 3, 2011 at 8:28 am

    Kim … so many of these journal entries could have been lifted from my own journals kept during my marriage prior to my divorce … I was so alone … I felt disrespected, confused, hurt, resentful, scared … Unlike your sister, I was not afraid of my then-husband, but to MOVE … to take the steps to create my own after-life. I finally did, and for us, it saved our family. Your sharing of your sister’s words may help save another woman, and I thank you so much for your powerful sharing. I so wish her wishes of things going smoothly had come true…

  • Reply
    Dad
    January 3, 2011 at 9:55 am

    Kim
    I didn’t know what Kay wrote in her journals, but everything i read, she already told me.
    What a shame she had to live that way. I never thought it would lead to murder.( I love you Kim)
    Dad

  • Reply
    Kim Sisto-Robinson
    January 4, 2011 at 6:57 am

    Dad. My heart is so very broken….so shattered…Lost.

    I thank God for you. Every single day.

    I love you more than anything the world can ever give…

    K.

  • Reply
    Amy
    January 5, 2011 at 4:29 am

    Love, love, love to you, Kim.

  • Reply
    Tara
    January 16, 2011 at 7:02 am

    I’m just now reading this Kim, and I have no idea what to say. It must’ve been so challenging reading her entries, like looking into a dreadful rearview mirror. All I can say is that (from her words) Kay sounds like a phenomenal person. I wish I could’ve known her, but am grateful for the chance to have known you. Thanks so much for sharing this with us. Love you.

  • Reply
    nikky44
    February 24, 2012 at 11:06 am

    I’m reading all the posts, one by one, crying since first minutes, but this one just broke my heart. Loneliness is killing me, no one understands, no one wants to even know what it’s like, no one cares. I’m so lonely, so alone too

  • Reply
    Carrie
    March 13, 2012 at 1:10 am

    Kim thank you for sharing your sister’s journals and your pain. I cried for both you and your sister. I know it is little consolation but you are saving some other woman’s life by sharing them; I know it.

    I can’t express how deeply your words and your sister’s journals have impacted me.

    Kay’s journals could have been mine. For years, the same entries over and over. Try as I might I couldn’t make him happy but he wouldn’t let me go. I knew he was going to kill me, I almost looked forward to it because I couldn’t do it any more and then it would be over. I had no family to turn to, he used to taunt me with, “What are you going to do? , Go home to your mother?” and laugh. I often wondered how many of the women we hear about dying at the hands of their husband or lover knew deep down it was going to happen but ignored their instincts or tod themselves they were just being paranoid.

    I started my blog in hopes of saving even one woman from the abuse I suffered and hopefully make society. I would like to link to your site if that is ok with you.

    God bless you and your family
    Carrie

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