DECEMBER 26, 2010
~~“We Must Be Still and Still Moving.
Into another intensity. For a further union,
A deeper communion. Through the dark cold
And empty desolation. The wave cry, The
Wind cry, the vast waters of petrel and the porpoise.
In my End is my Beginning.” — TS ELIOT
Day 1 It’s been 6 months, 3 weeks, and 1 day. It’s been a lifetime, a helltime, a time of numbness, deadness, wretchedness, darkness, and nothingness.
I’ve come to the realization that God dulls the mind or we would die, die, die from the bottomless pain that enters our invisible core; this core that I never knew existed.
… Until now.
Yes, we would die. And death it seems, would be a relief to those who mourn. I understand completely now what Shakespeare meant when he wrote this:
“To die: to sleep…No more; and by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks.”
Day 2 When will it stop: This throbbing like a toothache; This grief like an incessant, maddening shade that follows me around from place to place. I can’t seem to get away from it. I can’t escape from its sharp claws that hurt me.
Day 3 I’ve always loved YOU God. Even through this. Even through this journey you are bringing me through, this unfathomable, insidious, dark journey; this crossing over that seems to be killing me.
Attraversiamo is heartbreaking.
Should I be getting better? Should I be accepting this? Should I behave as if my life is ordinary, extraordinary, worthy of taking another breath? Should I release her?
The psychologist said if I still feel like this is 6 months that I may need something more…. How the hell does he know? Has he lost his best friend, his soul mate, his blood of his blood, his heart of his heart, his soul of his soul?
I’m just wondering how one can dictate when one’s grief should end.
They are all bastards, bastards, bastards.
Because it never ends once it has been born.
Day 4 Tia and I made Christmas Cookies with mom. : Sugar cookies, Ritz peanut butter cookies, Mexican wedding cookies, Chocolate chip cookies, and Almond something or other cookies.
We melted, stirred, cracked eggs, poured vanilla, measured salt and flour and sugar.
A new kind of Therapy.
We giggled about Tia trying to organized everything, running around like a mad woman with a dishcloth wiping up dough and splattered flour. We laughed because she scolded me for using a hot pad to clean up the counter and then finding it afterwards in the soapy dishwater.
That’s where my mind has been…inside soapy dishwater.
We cried because Kay wasn’t there. We cried and cried because none of us had the chance to say goodbye or declare: I LOVE YOU, I love you, I love you. The murderer made that choice for us. He killed her before we had the chance to utter those words
One. More. Time.
She knows. She knows.
Day 5 Rummaging through Christmas cards, ornaments, bows, and nutcrackers.
The scent of cinnamon. The scent of Kay’s gingerbread men. The scent of the past.
I can’t dig too deep or I may find something that triggers me again, makes me drop to my knees again, makes me splash to the ground again.
Again. Again. Stay the hell away from me.
Day 6 There must be something wrong with me. The outside world is pulling me in one direction and the inside world is pulling me in another direction.
The outside is uncomfortable with my pain. Some people ignore me. Some people have not acknowledged my darkest days. The air is heavy. The elephant in the room is enormous.
One needs to hide their mourning. One needs to intermingle if needed. One needs to behave rational, sane, intact, normal………like some idiot that has been healed, cured, whatever.
I figured this out quickly.
Day 7 CHRISTMAS EVE.
My first year not having it. I couldn’t do it…. couldn’t allow those beautiful memoires of Kay to flood in, flood in.
Her standing at my front door with her hair curled so divinely….her standing in her lush red coat draping at her ankles…. her holding her bowls of salad, oysters, and baked beans….. her smiling her massive pink shiny smile.
Still surrounded by family: Mom, Dad, Kay’s boys, Alan, Leta, Faith, Alex, Andy, Dave, cats, dogs….
Love. Love. Love. I wanted to drown inside of it.
I was happy. I was happy.
It still wasn’t enough…
The best days of my life. Love love love you, K. Always. Always. Forever.