In Memory of Kay

Seven Days. Seven Nights. Forever.


December 15, 2010

Day 1:    Sun shines through my sliding glass door.  Warm.  Soothing.  She kisses bare skin.  This is how it used to be.  This is how the world was in those days.  

But then I remember.

 Reality bleeds inside like acid, like thick fog, like something unsettling lingering in air.

Black clouds. 

 I am reminded of the moment, all of the moments yet to come. The nows, the todays,  the  forevers.   I can’t look that far ahead or I may not last another day.

     I cannot live.  I cannot die.

Trying to find  joy is exhausting.   I am tired.  I  am tired. 

Day 2:     The days stretch out.  Almost as if each one is dragging  feet through mud, through slush, through shit.  Once I tried to figure out how to make them last, just a little longer, a little longer.  Now they  painfully, unbelievably, horribly extend into eternity.

  The ticking, ticking, ticking hurts me.  Hurts me like something sharp against organs, brain, heart.

 How can there still be ticking when your soul mate has been murdered?

Day 3:      Nobody knows.  Nobody understands.  They all go forward with life, with laughing, with the absurdity of breathing. They walk by and utter, “How are you today?  Are you doing good?  How was your Thanksgiving?”

  I want to scream:     I am incomplete.  My heart aches.  I am lonely.  I miss my best friend.  My Thanksgiving SUCKED. My sister’s kids don’t have a mother.  I don’t have a sister.  My parents don’t have a daughter.  And   hell with you  FUCK YOU for not knowing that.

But I smile an artificial smile.  I pretend.  I am becoming good at it. So excellent at being somebody else.  The mask is so damn heavy on my face. So damn heavy.  The feathers fall off….the lipstick fades into something muted. 

Suddenely the real me is revealed.

Day 4:    Went to mom’s today.  She bakes chocolate cakes to carry on.  She fries donuts to fill her womb back  up.  She boils fudge to memorize our history.

The scents of childhood are sad now.  We talk about how it used to be; how it will never be again.

 If I allowed myself to break open.  I mean really break open; I would not be able to return. I would most certainly drown inside my own salt.

We talk about how we’d bake Christmas cookies together, how we’d argue because the first batch would come out burnt. It  never failed.  We’d  gossip, laugh, forget about time,  and simply love one another.

 Now time is all I have.

Day 5:    Red and Green Christmas lights blink Off—On—Off—On… like a bad migraine.  I can’t comprehend Christmas without her; a life without her;  growing old without her.    

I want to pray, but can’t find the words. 

I want to sleep, but can’t close my eyes.

I go to the cemetery after work.  Sit alone.  I seem to always be alone even when I’m not alone.  I play “I Can Only Imagine” on my cd player.  I weep.  I watch the ornaments from Kay’s tree swing from side to side. Her stone is covered with ice.  I try to shatter it. 

How dare the ice cover her face.

I pound.  I pound.  I fucking pound until my hand hurts.

 I pound until the pain from my heart shifts to the palms of my hands.

Day 6:      Same thing.  Over and over again.  Get up.  Feed the cats.  Brush my teeth.  Make strong coffee.  Call mom.   Call hubby.    Call Tia.    Call God.

I must work.  This is also my reality.

I am rude.  The simplest things piss me off,  get my blood boiling.

For example, people assuming I’m good, okay, back to myself.

People writing inside a Christmas card “Have a Great Holiday!”   

Can’t they see?     Don’t they understand?  The ignorance and idiocy cause me to react.

Better off saying nothing, nothing, nothing.

Day 7:    

Last night  I laughed so hard, I peed my pants.  

It  felt like a drug filling my body…like something lost had been found…like poetry.

Had wine with Kim,  had hot coffee with Baileys, had a shot of something sweet, had more to fill the void.

Kim tried to teach me how to text, but neither of us could see the letters.  We passed her glasses back and forth like two old grannies.  It took me ten minutes to enter one single sentence.  

I hope the person who received my text damn well appreciated it. 

Then I started crying because Kay wasn’t there.  She should be with us.   She should….

Living between two worlds is HELL.    I’m not sure how to do it.   not sure. not sure.

Anyhow, somebody had left a big spider ring at the  table next to the bar.  A Black Widow or something like that.  I told Kim if she stuck it up her nose and talked to the cute dude at the next table  I’d give her ten bucks.

She did it for free.

Half of the Widow stuck out of her nose like a creepy- black- yucky- gross booger.  My god, I haven’t laughed like that for  months.

  Seriously.

I kept thinking… Kay would’ve loved this.  A spider stuck up somebody’s nose,  the cute dude sitting at the   table,   and especially,  me peeing my pants.

{To my comical girlfriends out there who make me laugh in spite of myself, who listen to me cry, cry, cry, who accept me when I pee my pants, who listen to my story over and over and over again.   I thank God for you.  I love you.  Always. Always.  Forever.}

My Best friend was murdered on May 26, 2010.  I shall never forget.  I shall scream it out into the world as long as I live. I shall never release you, my dear, dear K.

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21 Comments

  • Reply
    susan boswell
    December 14, 2010 at 8:42 pm

    Another powerful, personal tribute to the power of eternal love… I am glad a booger made you laugh, even if it made you cry. We are glad you are here dear Kim!

  • Reply
    Helen
    December 14, 2010 at 11:13 pm

    I just want you to know how your writing, your experience, your ability to convey your pain and raw emotion, help other people in their grief. That they are not alone with their conflicting emotions, their anger, and at times intolerance. I feel selfish at times in reading your words……you are helping me without getting anything back. Thank you for sharing all the intimacies of your relationship with Kay so we can learn even more of her beautiful nature………………..

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      December 15, 2010 at 11:56 am

      Helen, beleive me when I say…you are giving me so much back by listening to my story, kay’s story, my family’s story. So very much. xxxxx

  • Reply
    materace
    December 15, 2010 at 4:28 am

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  • Reply
    Łeba noclegi
    December 15, 2010 at 4:45 am

    Hi, nice read. Love whole of it. cheers.

  • Reply
    Kim Gagnon
    December 15, 2010 at 9:00 am

    Kim, I peed mine too!!!!!!!!!!!! I was laughing so hard too!! Tiny moments of uphoria are essential.
    Please tell Dave I’m so sorry I let Obama in & ask his forgiveness.
    P.S. I’d do it again in a heart beat.
    P.S.S. Don’t tell Dave that.
    P.S.S.S. I know Kay was laughing with us
    P.S.S.S.S. I love you always & forever too!!!!! XOXOXOXO K

  • Reply
    Kelly
    December 15, 2010 at 10:50 am

    Kim,

    I so look forward to your writings!!!

    I cry with you, I laugh with you, I scream in anger with you!! You have made me feel like a part of yours and Kay’s life with your wonderful wonderful way of expressing yourself.

    I know when my Dad passed away (and I am in NO way comparing your pain to my pain because to be honest your pain was caused by an asshole who took your sister away, forever…., my Dad was ending his journey on his own terms), I would find myself saying this time “last week” my Dad was still here with me…. this time “last year” I was at Mom and Dad’s laughing about what a dork he could be… to this day (twenty years later) I continue to play the “this time” game.

    Christmas is no longer Christmas, it’s a time of Music that makes me cry, people telling me to “just remember the good times”, etc… FUCK THAT! I want my Dad!

    I am in AWE of how you are handling EVERYTHING. I try to put myself in that situation and to be honest I must be the weakest person EVER because I think the only words I would be able to express myself with would be “Fuck it”. (Okay not that those aren’t words I don’t already use in my limited vocabulary (sp). But those would be the ONLY words I would mutter.

    I have said it before I will say it again!!! THANK YOU for bringing out “MY Inner Chick”!!!

    Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      December 15, 2010 at 12:01 pm

      Oh, Kelly,

      ~~~~so glad you enjoy reading my bitching, my crying, and my lamenting for my dear sister, Kay.

      Sorry to hear about your dad. I guess, mourning NEVER, NEVER STOPS.

      You are beautiful. Thank you for your support. xxxxx

  • Reply
    Tara
    December 16, 2010 at 7:27 am

    I love you too, Kim.

    “Living between two worlds is HELL.” That about sums it up. I wish I had some new words to console you with, but all I can offer is my ever-open ears and heart.

    The holidays (especially Christmas) are a time when you’re EXPECTED to celebrate and be happy, but when your heart is broken, it’s impossible to do this. Don’t apologize, and cry as much as you need to. I’m thinking of and praying for you every day.

    Love you,
    Tara

  • Reply
    Dad
    December 17, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    Kim, you are wrong about us not having a daughter ——— we lost one but we also have one we love
    with all our hearts. I do feel your pain, I think i have that same too. I miss Kay so much it hurts.
    All the walks and talks and laughter we had together i miss so much. But i have you, and that cuts
    the pain some.

    I love you so much
    Dad

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 17, 2010 at 3:02 pm

      i love you more than chocolate, daddy. so so so so so so so so mucn.

  • Reply
    Sue W
    December 18, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    Okay Kim,

    You know I read your blogs all of the time and always they move me, always I pray for you and the family, always I’m thinking of you.

    But the note from your dad… well, let’s just say I can’t read these at work any more. My co-workers think I’m nuts, or having a break down, or something.

    As always.

    I love you ALL. Wishing you peace and whatever snippets of joy you can find throgh the tears and beautiful memories the season brings

    Sue.

  • Reply
    Kim Sisto-Robinson
    December 18, 2010 at 5:50 pm

    And I love you, too, Sue. xx

  • Reply
    Caroline
    December 20, 2010 at 4:14 pm

    My sweet, sweet Kim
    I have no words for you, well, at least, not the words that will fill your emptiness & ease your pain.

    My heart bleeds when I read your entries. it’s like a drug I can’t seem to stay away from. I finally realized that it’s because of the brutal honesty of your emotion (in words). On the one hand,this is the only way I have of knowing how you are holding it together… I worry so much about you. However, on the other hand, I struggle with being on the outside of your twilight zone, watching, reading, listening to your words and feeling the echos of your pain and not being able to do a damn thing to help you.

    So…..as I said in the beginning, I have no comforting words of wisdom, but, what I do have for you my dear cousin, is my heartfelt, unconditional love. Please ALWAYS remember that.

    Any time, Any place, I am here for you when you are ready.
    Love, Caroline

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 23, 2010 at 8:13 am

      Thank you for loving me. I love you, too. I miss my old life. The way it once was. I miss it. I miss it.

  • Reply
    Alex
    December 22, 2010 at 11:40 pm

    Dear Kim,
    even if I tried, I could not find any words to comfort your pain, everything seems very superficial once on paper.
    Happy to see you peeing in your pants – and laughing!

    Sending you my love and thoughts, Alex

  • Reply
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  • Reply
    pozycjonowanie
    December 28, 2010 at 11:10 am

    Great Blog ! Regards.

  • Reply
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    December 31, 2010 at 3:00 pm

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  • Reply
    dream analysis
    January 23, 2011 at 1:34 pm

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