Kim's Blogs

Are Your Boobs Touching Australia?


FYI:  This is Not ME!

~~~~All right gals, here’s the dilemma. Half of us are wearing the wrong size bra. That’s right. We’re sauntering around town with sagging, wobbling, drooping boobies and let me tell you…it’s not a pretty sight. Women in America are swinging their ta-tas from side to side like old elephant trunks and it has officially become a crisis situation.

On a recent (repeated) Oprah episode, bra expert, Susan Nethero stated that 8 out of 10 women are wearing the wrong bra size.

What?

“Not only can the right bra eliminate sagging, it can make you appear slimmer and take years off your look,” Nethero says.

One can imagine, after this particular episode, bra stores were swamped with women desperately trying to elevate their shortcomings. Just the words “slimmer” and “years off” will do it for most women (i.e., me).

Lifting, separating, and rising up:

This is message Nethero is sending out to America’s women. Why would a woman want to walk around braless unless her breasts are perfectly perky? Not that I’m against breasts. I love ‘em. I just don’t want somebody’s nipples swaying in my direction (if you know what I mean). On the same note…why would a woman want to wear a bra that doesn’t support her beautiful, lush melons?

Every time I meet my girlfriend, Kristy (not her real name), I want to scream, “Don’t you know that your knockers are nearly touching the continent of Australia!”

But I can’t bring myself to say anything.

Would you?   Could you?

But then I saw something that changed my mind.

I thought I had the correct bra, one that shaped and contoured flawlessly. Yet, when I observed a recent snapshot of myself, I resembled my friend Kristy!  Instead of my massive mama’s touching the Canadian Provinces, they darn near touched the Dead Sea.

Why is it that we often don’t see in ourselves what we observe in others?

Why hadn’t anybody inform me of my swinging succulence…my collapsing Chrysanthemums….my tits touching my feet?

Next day I squealed up to Victoria’s Secret…leaving dust behind like Road Runner. The clerk, a pretty little thing,  nodded her head knowingly as I walked in.

“You watched Oprah, huh?”

She resembled Natalie Portman (I hated her right away): exquisite cranberry lips, emerald cat eyes, and her glossy ebony suit looked like something out of Cosmo  magazine.

She looked long and hard at my chest, grinning. “Yep, you need a little assistance, darlin’.”

The nerve of damn  super-models now days.

Natalie  led me into a powdered-pink dressing room where she measured and calculated my cup size. “I will assure you, darlin’, when you exit this place, you will not have dimples, back fat, or sagging.”

If I were a sensitive chick;  I might have assumed Natalie was insulting me, but I was past the point of giving a shit.

It was true, though.

When I left Victoria’s Secret that day, I was a new woman…perky and proud. Instead of my bra overflowing like Myra Breckenridge, my breasts were tight and taunt.

One cannot imagine what a new bra can do for a woman when her breasts suddenly become submissive to gravity.

Graviity Sucks!

Feminism embodies more than “let it all hang out, honey.”   We did.  We do. But now it’s time to dig the bras from the ashes, put them on, and hopefully we’ll not be swinging our opulence anywhere but straight ahead.

And if we sway anything,   anything at all…let it be our buoyancy, our brilliance, and our brains, honey…


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13 Comments

  • Reply
    Renee CK
    December 8, 2010 at 7:00 am

    My sister dragged me in for a bra fitting when I was 7 months pregnant. Talk about serious miscalculation! My Natalie (not nearly as stunning or put together) didn’t even know how to touch me. I’m sure the belly had something to do with that! I walked out disappointed and empty handed.

    I will be getting my correct measurements soon- and you’ll have to put up my new picture instead of my old one! (I wish!)

    xoxo

  • Reply
    Alina
    December 8, 2010 at 8:21 am

    I worked at Victorias Secret for a winter! Most have bras that the cup size is too small. And get a bra fitting every 6 months or so, womens bodys change SO much!!

  • Reply
    Alina
    December 8, 2010 at 8:22 am

    hmm…bodies**

  • Reply
    Amy
    December 8, 2010 at 9:23 am

    LOVE it! I used to be such a perfectionist about my bra-size. But I’ve gotten lazy and grabbed an inch size up here and there because they were on “sale.” You’ve inspired me to head in for a fitting! xoxo

  • Reply
    Tara
    December 8, 2010 at 11:01 am

    I didn’t know VS did that?! I might have to get in there myself. I’m a hopeless, Walmart-bra gal. I wear ’em for a few months, they wear out, and I go get a new one for $12. 😉 It would be nice to have something fitted, though. Glad you found what you were looking for!

    Love you,
    Tara

  • Reply
    Merci Monteforte
    December 8, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    I Love your website. I’m gonna post a link on my Facebook Page!

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 8, 2010 at 3:26 pm

      Thanks so much 🙂 !!!!

  • Reply
    elizabeth
    December 8, 2010 at 4:31 pm

    Great blog and I only lost the pencil under the breast contest a little while ago. It was a dark day for me.
    I am going to get fitted and it better not feel like it does now – just torture! My breasts are ready to confess to anything!!!
    love your funny and bitchy blogs! xx elizabeth

  • Reply
    Beryl
    December 9, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    I didn’t notice any part of you reaching for the Dead Sea my dear Kim. However, I’m certain that Victoria’s Secret was a lot cheaper than the journey to France narrated in a past issue of More Magazine where for a mere $3,000 the author was similarly measured and “treasured.” Her bras, of course, were handmade to order by the woman who handles the great ladies of Paris’s plums.

  • Reply
    Tanning Lotion
    December 10, 2010 at 11:26 am

    I only wear lingerie from Victoria Secrets cotton line. So comfy!

  • Reply
    pinging man
    December 24, 2010 at 10:06 pm

    This is one of the top blogs I have visited in some time, cheers for making this. Bookmarked and will be here for more.

  • Reply
    Sharilyn Sloanes
    January 22, 2011 at 10:09 pm

    I recently came across this blog and have loved the content. I look forward to future content and will definitely link to this and tell the people I know. Thanks.

  • Reply
    MaryJane Delarde
    January 27, 2011 at 8:51 am

    I Love your website. I’m gonna post a link on my MySpace Page!

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