Thank you E. for your hilarious story} (posted last year)
~So I’m at a soccer banquet this weekend chatting with this dude that I’m quite fond of. Have you met people like that in your life; you know, who after a few minutes, you’re thinking, “Yeah, I like you. I really like you!” It’s all very Sally Field. Well, my heart melts when I’m conversing with somebody who stares me strait in the face as if they really give a damn about what I’m talking about even if they don’t.
It’s a rarity nowadays.
At any rate, he’s telling me about his Black Friday experience and it’s worth repeating cause it’s fan-freaking-tabulous.
“I leave the house at 4:00 AM to stand outside of Wal-Mart,” he begins.
I’m shaking my head at this point.
“Shuuuuuuuuuuuute Up! Are you craaaazy—IN below zero weather?”
“Yep, 4:00,” he repeats. “I have a list of the things I want from the Thursday Ad: A lap top for 200 bucks, a flat screen television, and some other items that are half off for the first thirty people through the doors.
When the doors finally open at exactly 5:00AM, I’m running like a bat outta hell down the aisles slamming my stuff into the cart as quickly as I can. It’s like one of those shows off Jerry Springer or somethin’.
I got everything I wanted. And I feel fulfilled, satisfied, complete….”
He sighs loudly.
“WHAAAAT? WHAAAT?” I ask.
I can’t wait another second for him to finish his story.
“So I leave my cart literally for a minute to grab a greeting card, and as I twist my head round, I see this lady digging through my stuff. MY STUFF! She was barely 4 feet high and at least ninety years old. She’s holding a cane; she’s all grey and crinkly and appears to have osteoporosis, but obviously she’s energetic and burly enough to inspect what’s inside MY cart.
I yell from the card aisle….
EXCUUUUUSE MEEEEE, MADAM, THOSE ARE MYYYY THINGS!
She squawks back, “NO, THEY AAAAINT!”
“Then what happened?” I beg for more like a panting dog.
“I walk over to the old lady and assert as nicely as possible (cause believe me, I’m about to blow my lid)…
THAT’S MYYY CART. THAT’S MYYYY STUFF. MIIIINE.
And I swear to god, she looks me directly in the eyes, grabs her little wooden cane, and smacks me across the shin with it.
“Shuuuuuuuuut UUUP!” I can’t believe what I’m hearing.
He goes on….
“I want to whack her. I want to call security. I want to grip that cane from her chalky fingers and smash it in a million pieces.
I Want Revenge. BAD.
All of a sudden I see this massive headline inside my mind and I calm down, my blood lowers to a simmer… I inhale—exhale—inhale—exhale. I see an image of Jesus, Gandhi, and The Virgin Mary all at the same time.
The headline reads:
:::Local Soccer Coach Assaults Elderly Lady at Wal-Mart:::
I get on my cell phone and call my wife; I tell her, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is I got all of the stuff I came for; the bad news is an old woman took it away from me.”
MORALS TO THIS STORY: 1.Stay clear of old women with canes. 2. Never leave your cart unattended. 3. Material stuff will never make you happy. 4. Stay in bed the day after Thanksgiving, Dumb Ass.