In Memory of Kay

I Carry Your Heart


{~This blog is dedicated to God, Kay & ee cummings}

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                  —ee cummings 

~I’ve been angry at God for four long months.

I guess it’s just one more person to blame for my sister’s death and my unfathomable, unimaginable, unending loneliness.

What the hell,  He’s GOD.  Maker of Heaven and Earth.  The First and the Last.  The ALMIGHTY.   King of Kings.  The dude who split the Red Sea, and raised Lazarus, whom was dead as a doornail, to life.

And Yet–And Yet…

He allowed my sister to be gunned down like an animal, separated from her children, her family, her past, her future, and mostly, mostly, mostly,

Me.

I ask myself WHY… Every. Single. Fucking.  Day.

She’s at Oneonta Cemetery five blocks from where I live. She’s inside the cold ground, stuck in a shiny brown coffin that is ugly, ugly, ugly.

I find it astonishing that an entire family can suddenly transform into a Picasso Painting…

A hand hung in air, a foot dangling, a breast unattached from the body.

Sometimes I imagine it would be easier buried with her, secluded, gone, skin on skin, shoulder to shoulder, free of pain.

 Finally free of pain.

Sometimes I ponder how living is so much more complicated than dying.

She is wearing the silky lemon dress I bought her from TJ Max, her cute Calvin Klein jean jacket. She is wearing her favorite crimson Victoria Secret bra.  She is stained with Revlon Pink lipstick. She is not wearing shoes, which she loved, loved, loved. She is not wearing designer shoes with 4 inch heels, which she loved.

Who would have imagined that our lives would end up like this?

One year ago, an eternity ago, Kay and I went to the film,In Her Shoes.”

 

Cameron Diaz recited the ee cummings poem to her sister entitled, “I Carry Your Heart.”  We sobbed like babies, uncontrollably– two sisters who understood each word exclusively, perfectly.

 I leaned into Kay and whispered, “You will be reading that poem at my funeral.”

“No, you will be reading it  at mine!” She sniffed.

Wretchedly, excruciatingly, foggily, slowly, very slowly– I read it at hers.

I don’t remember. I don’t remember.

And even though my God has been generally silent since my sister’s murder…

Yesterday I felt His hand extending out to me as if saying, “Come.  I am here.  Still.  Come.”

COME.

Kay’s stone is directly next to a large birch tree, which we have hung glittery jewels, girly chains and numerous chimes on.

Engraved on the forest green granite are the astounding words of ee cummings:

We Carry Your Heart In Our Heart.”

I sobbed softly when I observed which row Kay was in.  I sobbed because of God’s tender mercies, because of the way he communicates to me through the dead poets and verse.

The sun fell upon my skin. And I looked into the heavens declaring,

Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.

Kay is in row ee.  She is next to a birch tree with pearls and pink beads dangling from the bare branches.

That is where she is.

Unexpectedly and beautifully, I felt His breath upon my face, Her breath upon my face.

I felt my pulse quicken like fluttering wings; two hearts beating together.

 Forever. Forever. Forever.

My Best Friend, I carry your heart … I carry it in my heart. 


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3 Comments

  • Reply
    Motpg
    August 1, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    I have been reading your posts about your sister and it is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry this terrible and senseless tragedy happened to her and your family and for the pain it has injected into your life. Your love can be felt physically through your words. This is the post that made me cry.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 1, 2011 at 6:58 pm

      Dear, Motpg,
      I never realized a human being could
      cry for one year strait, but I have.
      My heart hurts every. single. day.
      for our GREAT loss.
      thank you so much for your kind words.
      xx Kim.

  • Reply
    buyessayhelp
    November 4, 2015 at 3:02 am

    That’s a very painful loss. I hope you will recover, at least partially. She is still with you, in your heart, in your mind, in your poems..
    Please be strong.

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