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Raquel Welch, IS 70? SHUT UP!


Raquel Welch, 70?????

~~Okay, so I’m watching Oprah (again) because I love her quite abundantly and don’t know what I’ll do without her insight and insanity while walking on my treadmill. I mean, seriously, what will I fill this void with when she’s gone? Certainly not Rosie if she takes her place, or God forbid, Tyra- it’s all about my fat ass, Banks.

Anyhow, I’m watching the Big O and who do I see; Rachel freaking-gorgeous-unbelievable-age defying-Welch. That’s who.

And I don’t get it. Not one single solitary bit.

This woman is 70 years old, but it seems she’s gone all Dorian Grey. It’s appears her plastic surgeon is either a mastermind or a damn miracle worker. It appears I am envious as all hell about a 70 year old woman looking better than I do.

What the …?

“Look at me. I’m holding together just fine, I’m not doing it with no effort, I’m doing my yoga every day, an hour-and-a-half of that” —Raquel Welch

Al-righty then, you mean to tell me all I need to do is a bit of Shakti; a bit of Shashankasana; a bit of downward dog? If so, I’m pulling out my mat and mind this second.

The frustrating thing is- 99% of women Do. Not. look like this at 70.

I mean, shit, shit, and double shit. Are you Seeeerious?

And then a few years ago Oprah’s guests were Diane Carroll, Cheryl Tiegs, and some other mature women… Suddenly Oprah gushes and points to Diane Carroll who, by the way, happens to look striking, but one can most positively observe that she’s had a bit of tucking, plumping, cutting, and pulling done. Any Woo, Oprah points to Diane and squeals,

“THIS IS WHAT 70 LOOKS LIKE!”

I jumped up from my couch and screamed (like some crazy lunatic)

“NO! No! Hell No!”

Sure, perhaps this is what 70 looks like with a bit of Botox, babe. (Not that anything is wrong with that) Perhaps this is what 70 looks like when your Hollywood Nip/Tuk doctor takes your excess skin and pulls it over your face like an expensive egg-white mask. Yeah, perhaps this is what 70 represents when, yes, I’ll just say it, ONE HAS A FRIIIIICKIN FACELIFT.

I am not against plumping and lifting and cutting. Let me say it again… I am not opposed to a bit of fat from your rump pumped into your face. Nope. That’s all cool with me.

What annoys me is when somebody declares, “This is all me. I had no help. I used loads of olive oil. I do an hour of Yoga a day. I don’t use soap on my face. I have lots of sex. I don’t eat red meat.”

SHUUUUT UUUUUUUUP.

Just say it. Tell us the truth. Stop lying. Stop behaving as if you’re all Hollywood and Hollow.

Don’t let us walk around thinking that we should look like that at 70, okay? Don’t make us feel bad about ourselves because we have a few wrinkles, crow’s feet, or Nora Ephron’s sagging neck. And please don’t say this is what we are supposed to look like if we are taking care of ourselves.

Now, will you pardon me while I go get an injection from my Ass to insert into a few of these wrinkles…?

Raquel On Oprah:


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