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Tyra Can Kiss My Fat Ass

~~~~I C-C-Cringe. 

 I get flip-floppy somersaults performing in the pit of my tummy.  I get a slow, steady hot flash. And then I blow, baby….

This is what Tyra Banks does to me, or should I say Ms. Fricking Know it All, or should I say Ms. Oprah Wannabe, or should I say Ms. Narcissist with a head the size of a Montana?

First of all she’s screaming “Kiss my big fat ass!!”   But that was only for your benefit, wasn’t it, Ms. Banks?  I mean cuz now you’ve lost that big fat ass and you’re walking around like a skinny bitch with an attitude.  I guess you didn’t really like the curves, did ya? 

So the other night I’m watching her show for the lone reason that she has my girl on, Blythe Beck; they’re talking about food and how wonderful Tyra is, and Blythe is sort of gaga eyed saying stuff like how lucky Tyra is to possess all of those wonderful enterprises, and rather than focusing on Blythe (whom is taking over the world culinary sector and is her Guest, after all)  Banks says, “Oh, and don’t forget that I have my own talk show!”   All the while she’s stuffing her face with the ribs that Blythe so graciously brought her.

               I am drowning in the sugary superficially and sticky barbecue sauce.

I’m thinking, “You’re in the wrong chair, Sister.  Blythe should be in your chair.  You’re an embarrassment. You’re like one of those chicks in high school that all of the girls hung out with, but secretly couldn’t stomach.  Like one of the Mean Cheerleader Chicks that thought she could bat her eyelashes and get anything she wanted out of life because she was pretty.

Before a taping of her show recently a source tells the publication:

~ “You could hear her going on and on because she was standing right behind the stage curtain. She’s talking and talking. Meanwhile, you have the entire audience waiting almost two hours for the taping to start.”

“She leaves us waiting, and everyone is sitting there complaining, and then she comes out and doesn’t say a word about it. She didn’t even say hello, she got right into her script. She acted so cold towards everyone. She’s a phony. She had the audience prance down the street and then release black balloons. –Celebrity News

Kind of reminds me of “The Office.”  You know, where the cameras are filming all the time and the characters know it, so they act all phony and counterfeit, and annoying as hell.  Banks has no substance or softness…. sort of like running your fingers over a cat in the wrong direction. And I’m wondering why American women are so transfixed on her inarticulate words, which she gives us ceaselessly in large doses.

               Emptiness.    Substanceless.   Black Balloons floating in air…

I Do. Not. Identify with this woman.  I already met her  back in high school and I didn’t like her.

….Oh, and one more thing, Ms. Banks—

You aren’t, or never shall be—an Oprah Winfrey—whom continually speaks from her mouth, her heart, and the wisdom of her soul….

Yeah, her soul…

…Opposed to one who verbalizes directly from her ass.

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