In Memory of Kay

I’M STILL BLEEDING


~”My God, My God, Why Have You Forsaken Me?

Yes, I’ve been asking my Lord this.   A Lot.

I’ve been questioning, pondering, screaming, weeping, lamenting, howling, and bleeding instead of praying.  I can’t seem to find  the right words through the tears, the tears, the tears.

The salt is drowning me. And I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t confess; it would be easier to just drown, damn well drown. It would be easier to not know what happened, to not breathe, to not remember, to allow the moments to melt into other moments.

But I keep waking up to the same reality. A different kind of sunlight. A new darkness.

I asked my husband the other day, “Did Mike really do that? Did he really kill my sister?  If so, how can my heart continue to beat? If so, why am I still walking?”

 

How can I live without her?  How can I listen to the radio, do dishes, wash clothes, make supper, and smile a fake smile minute after minute, day after day, year after year, birthday after birthday, Christmas after Christmas?

Sleep.  Awaken.  Sleep.  Awaken.   All of those minutes without her. O’, to now sleep would be utterly abundant.

I went through Kay’s clothing this week.  I lifted her long winter coats, headbands, scrubs, and leather purses to my nostrils to inhale her, feel her, be with her.  I searched her pockets for something, anything. I found receipts, change, matches, pink lipsticks…lots of pink lipsticks.Kay

  Anything to grasp onto.

Her favorite perfume, Sensuous, filled every corner of the room.  And I cleaned out her big hairbrush to stroke her dark brown hair one more time; one more time…

  There will never be another time. Except in heaven, my Sweet.

When this man decided to murder my sister, he altered several lives. He did not care. He did not care. The Son of a Bitch, did not care.

Kay’s beautiful boys, Aaron and Jordon, are living with my Saintly parents. Mike’s sister is wearing his gold wedding band, writing poetry, and planning his memorial service for July. His mother is mourning in some remote cabin in Brule, Wisconsin, and his brother has been drunk for three weeks; nobody has heard from him since.  Even her three cats have been uprooted, betrayed, and removed from the house they grew up in.

I keep hearing Mazy crying and meowing in the back seat. I keep hearing people whispering- “You’ll survive this. You’ll go forward.” I keep hearing three gun shots.  I don’t give a damn about the forth.  I keep hearing the beating of my heart, the beating, the fucking beating…

And I don’t understand how my heart can continue beating…

Because I am still bleeding.  I am still drenched in red wine and salt and sorrow.  I am like a child who does not know whether she is lonely or hungry or thirsty…

 I am longing…

For my soul-mate to walk though the front door with that gigantic grin of hers, for her to kiss me on the cheek with those plump pink lips, for her to love me, love me, love me.

Because NOBODY will ever love me like that again…

 Kim 

Kim & Kay FOREVER.


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11 Comments

  • Reply
    If He Hollers, Let Him Go « Totsymae.com
    August 21, 2011 at 4:20 am

    […] folks. On a much more serious note…a VERY serious note…some of you may be familiar with My Inner Chick’s blog, which pays tribute to the memory of her sister Kay, who left us as a result of domestic violence. […]

  • Reply
    InsideJourneys
    August 21, 2011 at 6:11 am

    You’re so eloquent in your grief, so raw and so clear.
    Reading this, I remember how I felt when I lost my father – I was angry seeing other people walking, talking, doing normal things. How could they, I thought, when I just lost the most important man in my life? I was mad at God for a long time after I lost my mother suddenly a few years later.

    I can’t imagine what it’s like to lose someone close to violence but you’re giving me a glimpse of it. The pain, the anger you feel is palpable. I can’t imagine what goes on in the mind of a murderer. What in the world could drive someone to do something so heinous, so reprehensible? I can’t imagine.
    Your sister sounds like a beautiful soul who deserves to be alive, to feel the breeze on her face, to shade her eyes from the sun, to feel the love and embrace of her family. She’s in heaven now watching over all of you, sending you the words to keep her alive.
    The love you share keeps you strong, keeps you going. In time, the pain will lessen but the love will always remain. It never dies.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 21, 2011 at 7:56 am

      ——–Inside Jouneys,

      your words move me. Beautiful. Yes! She does deserve the breeze on her face.

      Mouning is like water….Sometimes the water is still, sometimes it is rippling & sometimes it covers me completely.

      On those water covering days, I cry and cry and cry.

      I will go on…But nothing remains the same without my dear soul-mate. And yes, she is in Heaven.

      And I am here.

      Ahhh, that is the rub. xx Thank you for your words of encouragement.

  • Reply
    Carolyn
    August 21, 2011 at 7:13 am

    Young lady, time heals all things, trust me. I was a victim of this domestic violence and I thought that I would never get over it, but life really goes on and one day you will wake up and your pain will be eased. Go ahead
    and grieve and cry it’s good therapy, but it’s not going to bring her back. Focus on the good things you shared and thank God he allowed her to be in your life. All is not lost, let what happen to her be a lesson for you. At the end of this dark tunnel ask yourself, what have I learned?

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 21, 2011 at 8:01 am

      —-Carolyn,
      I am not there yet.
      I shall never be completely whole without my soul-mate & best friend.
      You found a way out of your domestic violence. (thank Jesus)
      She did not.
      He KILLED her. Shot her 3 times in the head.
      And our family is less because of it. Her kids have no mother. I have no sister.
      It is so easy for others to give advice when they are not walking thru the darkness.
      Thank you for stopping over.

  • Reply
    Annie
    August 21, 2011 at 11:01 am

    Kim,

    I truly am so sorry. I can’t imagine losing a sister, especially to violence. He took away a cherished and beloved best friend…a mother of two little boys who need her…and everyone who loved her is left to painfully grieve. It’s not fair. It’s beyond sadness. My heart and prayers go out to all of you.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 21, 2011 at 11:23 am

      —Annie,
      thank you for your kind words.
      they are so much appreciated. xx

  • Reply
    Ariana
    August 21, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    Kim,
    I just read Totsymae post and had to come and read your story. I’m so sorry for you, for your sister, for her sons, for your parents, for everyone who was effected by this horrific crime. I don’t know how one survives this lost, my heart is with you.

  • Reply
    nikky44
    February 24, 2012 at 10:05 am

    🙁

  • Reply
    Claudia Schönmetzler
    January 22, 2013 at 12:30 am

    Hi,
    I so feel your pain, I lost my sister in June 2001 due to a freak accident (SKYDIVING) and my son (21) in May 2012 due to a car accident (passenger)
    Your words are so ‘familiar’ to me……….
    keep up the strength..lots of love and light to you.

  • Reply
    Noeleen
    November 23, 2013 at 12:51 am

    “a new darkness” Man, you got me there.

    Kim, it is years beyond this post, this moment. I hope you feel all the power you indeed are. You’re great, being out there. Bless you.

    Domestic violence, so cowardly.
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