In Memory of Kay

MY SISTER’S MURDERER


My

~This morning my mother phoned the mother of my sister’s murderer.  I’m not surprised by this act of empathy because my mother is a living saint. “Saint Shirley.”  She said they both sat on the telephone and cried and cried and cried.  That’s all.

Who would have imagined that the son that grew inside that mother’s  womb would kill the daughter inside my mother’s womb? But it happened. It happened two weeks ago.

And the world I knew ended. 

On May 26th my world became dark; like a candle snuffed out, like the sun dissolved, like every corner of the universe was suddenly consumed by shadow and shade and shit.

A flower left out.

My sister’s soon to be ex—husband made the decision to shoot her in the head three times, wrap his arms around her, and then commit suicide.  I can’t help  wondering why he didn’t kill himself first. I can’t help wondering why he didn’t just die.  I could have gone to his funeral and survived. I might have shed a tear for his pathetic existence.   I could have gone to work the next day. I could have gone forward.  I could have loved my sister for another fifty years.  I could have…

Stayed the same.

She was walking out the front door to take a walk.  She was texting my dad.  She had one hand on the door knob perhaps thinking about what she would prepare for dinner.  She had the rest of her life to think about. A life without him. Liberation. Freedom.  Me.  Always me. I would have loved her forever and ever.

We had tickets for Sex and the City for the May 27th.   We were leaving for a girl’s weekend in August in Minneapolis.  We were planning Father’s Day.  We were….

Intertwined. Tangled. Contained by one another’s roots.

Everything stopped in one minute.  All things darkened and dimmed in one minute.  Life lessened and flowed into a million narrowed, rotten, useless, insidious minutes.

I loathe those minutes. Every. Single. Day.

When he shot her; he shot me.  When he put the gun to her beautiful  head, I wonder what he said to her. The coward that he was, I assume he said nothing.  I hope not. Oh, Jesus, I hope not. I don’t want his acidic voice to be the last thing she heard. I hope she heard the chickadees chirping, the mowing of grass, the yellow canaries in her brown feeder, the whispering of the future.  I hope she heard the voice of God calling her home.

I hope…I hope…I hope…

In the meantime; we are picking up the pieces that Kay’s murderer left behind. We are going through her house, her dishes, her clothes, her nine bags of half used lipsticks, the snapshots of her life. 

The strange this is; I was doing okay until I saw the small food processer my mom bought her for Christmas.  There were still bits of nuts inside from her famous chocolate chip cookies. 

And I can’t stop crying. I just can’t stop crying. The world is so much less than is was. I am less.

And I don’t know where to go from here… 


Subscribe To My Inner Chick

Never miss an update!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

You Might Also Like

31 Comments

  • Reply
    Karin L Burke
    December 15, 2010 at 8:38 pm

    Wow, thank you for this. It’s so important to hear the story of abuse, not only from the victims or the abusers, but from the loved ones whose lives are shattered as well. You’re a wonderful witness. pls see my site for lots of stuff on domestic violence and verbal abuse; I’m wondering if I could share this there or if you’d write something for me?

    Best, and my deepest condolences,

    Karin

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      December 15, 2010 at 9:44 pm

      ~~~yes, Karin,

      please send on my site to others. I added your site to my fav. blogs.

      thank you.

      Love. love. love.

      Kim

  • Reply
    Tweets that mention MY SISTER’S MURDERER :: My Inner Chick -- Topsy.com
    December 16, 2010 at 10:22 pm

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Shirley Schlag, krrobi. krrobi said: RT @krrobi MY SISTER’S MURDERER http://bit.ly/fPA9qB #Domestic #Abuse #Families #Forgiveness #Kay #Kim […]

  • Reply
    Kristin Allen
    May 3, 2011 at 7:09 am

    Hi Kim,

    Thanks for stopping by my blog. I came to see who you were and well, I’m completely humbled that someone as talented as you would visit my blog. And I’m horrified by what has happened to your sister, and to you and your sister Tia and your family. Your blogs are full of horror, rage and grief – everything you’re writing is so relevant and so important. I have no doubt that Kay loved your post on skinny bitches out, voluptuous in. (I loved it, too.) And that she still laughs when you laugh, and cries when you cry. And that she, mostly, is still loving you from where she is, and sending you comfort. In the meantime, this site is a rocking tribute to the love and devotion of sisters -something we can all appreciate. Sending you love and comfort and hopes that a brownie is in your near future. xo!

    Kristin

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      May 3, 2011 at 9:32 am

      ~~Kristin,
      ~~~thank you so much for your lovely words.
      I am not sure how i found your blog, but i loved your writing & sasinesss:)
      ~~you know, the thing that keeps me going and somewhat sane….is knowing
      i will see Kay again; that we will be together again (someday).
      I shall visit you again xxxx
      PS. BTW: i’ve been eating too many brownies lately and way too much wine….

  • Reply
    Lady Goo Goo Gaga
    May 24, 2011 at 7:28 am

    This is heartbreaking – you are a great writer! God bless you and your family.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      May 24, 2011 at 11:07 am

      ~~Dear, Lady Goo Goo Gaga,
      gosh, that was fun to write your name.
      ~anyhow, yes, our lives have become quite sad…
      thank God for the written word & blogs like yours for distractions.
      xxx Kisses

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 11, 2011 at 3:35 pm

      Lady, Goo Goo,
      Thanks for popping by 🙂 xxx

  • Reply
    Melanie
    June 9, 2011 at 1:04 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story. I, too, lost a sister to DV this past January. Believe me when I tell you that I know your pain. I wish I had words to help. But as you know, there simply are none. I am so sorry for your loss.

    • Reply
      kim sisto robinson
      June 9, 2011 at 2:13 pm

      ~~~Melanie,
      My heart goes out to you, too.
      I still don’t know how I am surviving this…how I get up each morning.
      I’m not quite sure how to live without my sister, soulmate, & best friend.
      To be completely honest…
      IT SUCKS BAD.
      Somenow it feels better to know you understand the DEEP pain.
      xxx

      Warmly.
      Love Love Love,

      Kim.

  • Reply
    tilly bud
    June 11, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    I can’t begin to comprehend your loss. Thank you for sharing what must be difficult for you.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      June 11, 2011 at 3:56 pm

      ~~~More difficult than one can EVER imagine…
      Thanks for stopping by Tilly Bud xx

  • Reply
    Monica
    August 8, 2011 at 9:44 pm

    Kim,

    You consistently leave me the happiest, sweetest comments. Reading your blog recently, seeing your beautiful smile in your Twitter photo, I would never have known about your sister.

    This post is written so beautifully poignant, a testament to your love for your sister. Well, if she didn’t know then, she knows now, the infinite depths of your love. I am touched, truly touched, and I thank you for sharing such an intimate story.

    Sending you lots of love and hugs your way, my friend.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 9, 2011 at 7:18 am

      —Monica,

      Kay knew. We told one another we LOVED each other everyday. Yes, We talked every single day.

      Thank you so much for your lovely words.

      So strange you would say that about ‘NOT KNOWING”

      —-my daddy said, “Kim, people reading some of your posts would never know what you are really going thru.”

      You see, I cry A LOT about my new reality.

      Love Love Love. XX

  • Reply
    Thomas
    August 24, 2011 at 6:40 pm

    I feel so horrible for you…it is though I feel your words like it is yesterday to you… oh how you touch my very core with your pain…

    T.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 25, 2011 at 9:36 am

      —Thomas,
      for me, it happened yesterday…
      yet I’ve already forgotten my angel’s voice.
      I will never be whole witout her.
      Never.
      thanks for visiting x

  • Reply
    Cindy Taylor
    August 30, 2011 at 5:53 am

    Kim, I am so sad for you and your family. I can’t begin to understand your pain. xxx

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      August 30, 2011 at 7:41 am

      –Thank you, Cindy,
      One learns to live with the pain. What else can she do?
      I shall never be complete without my sweet sister. Never.
      thanks for reading. x

  • Reply
    Thomas
    September 24, 2011 at 4:02 am

    i come back to this post weekly. I cry every time I read it.

    T.

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      September 24, 2011 at 7:05 am

      —T,
      You are beautiful.

  • Reply
    Rae
    November 15, 2011 at 5:03 am

    Kim,

    Heart-rending words to describe the most harrowing of experiences. My heart aches for you, your family, the grief that you labour under.

    When you love someone as completely as you do your sister, you do feel diminished when you lose that person. I know I’ve felt – and often still feel – that way with my mother’s death.

    I feel for you, I really do. There are no real words for that.
    Rae recently posted..In MemoriamMy Profile

    • Reply
      Kim Sisto-Robinson
      November 15, 2011 at 6:54 am

      –Rae,
      Thank you for feeling me, understanding.

      You know. don’t you?

      No words can really express that darkness & loss.

      I shall feel it forever….as you will about your mother.

      xx

  • Reply
    Tere Anne
    November 18, 2011 at 6:45 am

    Kim,
    I just read this post, as I wanted to find out what happened to your sister, since I am a newer follower.
    I am so sorry for what happened. I cannot imagine what you go through every day.
    You have every right to be angry, upset, frustrated, etc.
    Words cannot express how sad I feel for your loss.
    Kay is there watching you and smiling each time you send out your blog and the links to help us each make a difference.
    God will keep her safe and they both will keep you safe.
    Keep smiling and looking to the sunshine.
    Tere
    Tere Anne recently posted..Wednesday Blog Hop – Follow Me WednesdayMy Profile

  • Reply
    Susan
    December 15, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    I am trying to comment through my tears. You write so beautifully about such terrible pain. I am moved to say the least. I wish for you joy within your life amongst the vast emptiness left by her absence. Words just can not describe how sad I feel for you.
    Susan recently posted..Seriously, This is really happeningMy Profile

  • Reply
    Asian Chick
    December 21, 2011 at 9:10 am

    Oh man that’s…very sad.
    I don’t really know what’s appropriate to say, but I’m sorry for your loss and hopefully you are in a better place right now.
    I am deeply touched by your words.
    Asian Chick recently posted..Lil Asian Dancing Around + Cornmeal Protein MuffinsMy Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      December 21, 2011 at 11:03 am

      Dear, Asian Chick,
      I ‘m still crazy and mourning..

      I think I shall mourn my entire life…

      Loved your blog. X
      My Inner Chick recently posted..The Questionare My Profile

  • Reply
    Liberty
    December 30, 2011 at 9:48 pm

    Wow… I don’t think I could live if anything happened to my sister. As you described your relationship with Kay, it mirrors my feelings for my sister. We always joke that we are twins born 4 years apart. You are a strong woman to bring awareness so that someone else’s life might continue. My heart is heavy for you as you continue to mourn and remember what could have been.
    Liberty recently posted..Blog/Life Recap of Quarter 4My Profile

  • Reply
    nikky44
    February 24, 2012 at 9:56 am

    I love you

  • Reply
    Manal The Go Go Girl
    January 26, 2014 at 11:25 pm

    Kim,

    I’m still in tears and I’m so sorry for your loss. Damn it, I never understood why people take someone else’s life before theirs.
    My heart aches for you and hope that your pain has eased a bit by now.
    I’m sending you lots of prayers and a huge hug 🙂
    Manal The Go Go Girl recently posted..Dear Cousin Moe, WHY?My Profile

    • Reply
      My Inner Chick
      January 27, 2014 at 8:36 am

      Dear, Manal,

      thank you for reading my mourning.
      The pain never ends, but one finds one’s purpose.
      I shall ALWAYS miss my angel. Always & Forever.
      thank you for reading, dear. Xx
      My Inner Chick recently posted..Slices Of SoulMy Profile

    Leave a Reply

    CommentLuv badge